What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

That is very sad. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much of an expectation on them over the years for childcare which is purely up to them but anyone would expect parents to love and take an interest in their grandchildren’s lives at the very least. Sadly that appears to not be the case and you can’t change who they are unfortunately .

Whilst I understand the frustration (we're still waiting for MIL to organise something for the kids Xmas presents...), there is no level of expectations here that would be reasonable.

It's their life and their choice, they don't owe you or your children anything.
Don't go out of your way to accommodate them when they suddenly decide to show up though.

While I wouldn’t count on them for anything that requires having to get someone else to help out if they leave you in the lurch, some people are just too sucked into their own life, personally I’d keep in contact because I’ve been the person who forgot to keep in contact with relatives and they’ve come back to me and I’ve appreciated it. If nobody makes an effort then all that happens is the kids lose out but I get not everyone feels the same and you’re probably wrecked trying. Tempted to tell you to tell them you wish they were in contact more but I don’t know if that’s can of worms territory!

This 100%. If MN is to be believed, grandparents are kept away from babies for weeks when they are first born, then 'allowed' to see them when the parent sees fit with a list of dos and don'ts, expected to provide free childcare with another prescriptive list, expected to accept they know nothing about raising children because 'we know better now', not show too much interest brcause 'they have had their turn' and generally treated like commidities to be turned on and off when their adult children demand it.
Is it any wonder they just think it's more bother than it's worth?

I'm speaking generally here, just to be clear. Having read so many threads about grandparents, I often note that the parents often issue really strict instructions about how grandparents should care for grandkids. And get cross if those instructions aren't complied with to the letter. That particularly applies when childcare is offered, as though it's a job description.
I'd suggest many grandparents step back because they feel that they won't do right for doing wrong.

So they weren’t fully engaged as parents but you hoped they would change when GC came along?

I understand your disappointment but this is who they are.

Many children grow up, as you did, without involvement from GPs and do just fine. If you feel you want to take a step back from them, that’s OK. Would they even notice? 💐

It’s disappointing yes.

Ive actually walked the walk and matched their (lack of) energy and now do not ever see or contact my mother, my ILS and am very LC with my dad.

The very revealing aspect of this is as predicted and the litmus test… they have not been in touch either, at all in any shape or form.

I kind of guessed that none of them gave a shiny shite about me or my kids and now I actually know it as a fact.

Nothing lost because there was nothing there in the first place.

I did say it did not neccessarily relate to the OP but was a general observation of family expectations.
Is that OK with you?

Are they likely to have expectations of you when they’re older after having not been bothered.

That’s really rubbish. I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable at all, just sadly maybe unrealistic given they were never very child-focused as parents either. They’re missing out but unfortunately you can’t make them be interested.
This is on them not you.

They’re pretty hopeless and I’d be disappointed but there’s literally no point expecting anything. They’re showing you they’re not bothered and no amount of talking to them or asking them to be involved will make any difference. I wouldn’t want people in my life against their own free will anyway!

Just wondering how this relates to the specific situation OP is describing. Perhaps start a separate thread with general observations on the topic.

I am speaking specifically here - the OP's parents sound like a couple of selfish people.

Not everyone has kind and caring parents .

I am sorry OP, that sounds very hurtful.

My parents are close to all of my children individually but they love children in general, were foster carers for many years and also keep in touch with some of my friends from when I was a teenager. They aren't afraid to be busy and don't particularly want a quiet life.

I think the issue here is that your parents possibly aren't that interested in other people full stop.

Tommyrot. You show me one (1) post from all these alleged Mumsnet posters who have gone non contact who are also bemoaning that the grandparents aren't coming over enough. Absolute idiocy.

OP I would be really disappointed with this situation, I grew up with grandparents on both sides who were not involved in our lives for various reasons (mostly their choice). I didn’t realise it at the time but I do feel quite sad about it now. Especially seeing how my mom is with my kids and what I have actually missed out on when growing up. One set of grandparents lived next door, the other set a 10min walk so there was no excuse. We’re not talking childcare, just interest in our lives. My parents live thousands of miles away and yet have a great relationship with my kids and the kids can’t wait to spend their summers with them. I don’t think there is much you can do about it other than bring it up directly with them if you think it will help. It’s a huge loss to them in my opinion and they will start realising it more and more when they get older and start needing more help and connection with family. Mine definitely realised but it was already too late. You can’t go back in time. Sorry to hear you are experiencing this, it’s really sad.

So they have always been sociable and continue to be so in retirement? They have lots of interests and get out and about lots?
I think you need to accept they are living the life they want.

Actually I have always been there for my parents and I look after them well. I invite them over for meals and we take them out for meals, but this is never reciprocated. I accept that they have retired lives, but I would love for them to at least show some love and interest in their grandchildren. My kids are good kids, and have learned to get on with absent grandparents, but it does upset me seeing other grandparents championing their grandchildren at the sidelines and mine show no interest.
They were unreliable of the few times I asked them to babysit. Either had double booked themselves or made such a song and dance of it that I gave up years ago.
I’m pretty sure my parents will expect us all to run circles around them when they come to ill health or get less mobile, but I have to admit it makes me feel more like reciprocating their effort as I get older, because they have never really been there for me and they are not there for my children either.

My ils would be the same. I feel we had to train them! It started off they would do childcare 1 day a week and we paid them. As the gc got older they continued with a school pick up 1day a week, we fed them. As the kids got older, it became less convenient so we would collect the kids from their house after school and somehow its evolved that we go for tea 1 day a week. We are so much more engaging with the pils and the bil/sil, but we had to really engage with it.

Stop doing it OP stop making any effort at all and then when they want contact those 2 times a year say you are busy. Why should it all be on their terms?! You might as well have no contact with contact this low.

It’s odd that you assume your parents will expect you to run circles round them if they become ill. Tbh they sound like a fit and active couple who are enjoying the benefits of retirement.

I do think it’s very sad that they show no interest in your children, I can’t imagine being like that. But like I said earlier, living 5 minutes away, maybe they were worried they’d end up being free babysitters so pulled back from the start.

They have missed out on so much. I’m retired and my happiest times are spending time with my grandchildren. I’ve still got a great social life, loads of friends and lots of interests, but I fit all that in and manage some school runs and babysitting. You can’t force your parents, but when they need looking after, or one of them dies and they’re lonely, I know what my response would be.

If OP has teenagers, she's been a parent for the better part of 20 years.

But speaking as a parent of a 2yo, there was nothing wrong with me sticking to a max once a week visit with my newborn and them only coming when he was a couple of days old at home (ILs first in case you want to bitch about that).

My son loves his grandparents, and we didn't want or need a lot of people "helping" us in the early days. Just a few social visits were fine, and didn't in any way prevent bonds developing.

Of course it helps that none of our parents were giant babies who refused to develop.a relationship because we wanted a bit of time to ourselves.

I don’t get it either. The lack of interest is hurtful. But if you’ve already mentioned it, I don’t think they’ll change. We have one set like yours on my side but I wasn’t expecting much, they weren’t good parents. Thankfully DH has a nice family. When my eldest went off to uni it was really apparent. My side saying “where’s she going again” when they knew or “I wouldn’t go there, it’s an awful place”. Dh’s side celebrated with us and she received cards, presents, money from numerous very generous relatives. She WhatsApp them, sends pictures etc. Doesn’t bother with my side though as they couldn’t be less interested.

It's a shame they are showing little interest in their family. I would try still inviting them, but if they keep being unavailable I would possibly make myself deliberately unavailable the next time they wanted help.

You should definitely be able to have expectations of close family members, it's what holds society together. It's shameful when people let family down.