What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

Yes, there's no guarantees as you've proved, but you and they got some pleasure out of it at the time.

In relation to the question. You can't make people be interested. It's either there and becomes naturally or it doesn't .

Children won't actually suffer from having little grandparent effort . It's the parents that are more important

HNRTFT but I really understand why you are disappointed and probably feeling quite hurt. Myself and my friends who have grandchildren are involved in their lives .
My mum was very hands on and my children as young adults always enjoyed seeing Grandma ,she was a fun quirky lady .
I have tried to be the same with my darling Grandchildren,visit regularly,have the oldest for sleepovers,trips out and pick up from school and nursery.
We both work part time so we ensure that we also have time to ourselves and not over commit.
Am not sure what is the right advice but I personally would recommend that you keep up contact with your parents because all this NC business I read on MN is not typical of the majority of families.

I’m older than 60 and I look after my very energetic grandchildren. It does tire me, but I’m perfectly capable of it.

One of my children lives just up the road another 20 mins away and I love helping out and spending time with my grandchildren. I have ten, 8 boys and 2 girls from 3 to 20 and absolutely love the time I get to spend with them. As a pp said, we've done school plays, nativity, hospital appointments, dental visits. I've also seen the other side with visits to police stations and searching for a runaway so it's not all rose tinted. I'm sorry the OP hasn't experienced some of this but just as there are great and lousy parents the same can be said about grandparents!

It's mind boggling isn't it. My gran died 2 or 3 years ago and never once stepped foot in the house my parents bought in 1991. I don't recall her being at our house 5 mins walk away ever either. Grandad only been in it once because he was a decorator and was doing cornicing for the parents. Got dragged to theirs once a month or so. On the other hand, my maternal grandparents who were their neighbours used to book a holiday cottage on the next street over every year, I was at theirs to help them with cleaning or shopping every weekend. They lived 10 miles away.

My own parents often drove 3 hours each way to get my eldest when I had awful pnd, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week at the worst. Mums coming to spend a week here next week so we can go sun ourselves for my 40th. Has taken my older two out for a meal and shopping to celebrate exam results. Whereas fil was very involved in the two older dds lives then when we had the dts he all but disappeared. Now I haven't seen or spoken to him in about 3 years and I won't ever again unless I get the option to tell him he's a selfish self centred cunt.

@ Katypp Definitely has a point here!
OP you have implied that your PIL are too busy with their social life to make time for their DGC.
Could it also be that they have decided to go LC with you because of something about your family’s lifestyle/ opinions or something that they don’t like?

My parents have been retired since I was in my teens and got heavily into the cruise/luxury/long haul travel thing. They were always unavailable for this reason. I didn't need or expect childcare from them but it would have been nice to have some kind of relationship with them. It hurt to hear "We thought about sending the DOC a postcard from places we visit but we go to so many places we couldn't do them all so we've decided not to do any." After a while they didn't even tell us when they were away we just had to guess. Once my phone rang really late at night and I was worried to death because it was my dad and I did know they were on a cruise. "Oh good you can hear me? I just wanted to check my phone works in the West Indies. Now I can phone Geoff <hangs up>"

But even though they were completely self-absorbed in their late 50s 60s and 70s it doesn't help with the guilt now they are old and can't travel. I feel constantly guilty and worried about them. They live quite a distance away so I can't visit very often. I can't just shrug my shoulders and say you reap what you sow because they are isolated old, disabled people now and it would be heartless to say it's my turn to fuck off on holiday and show no interest. Sorry OP it's a rubbish position to be in.

I hate this opinion that you shouldn't expect grandparents to care about their grandchildren. I think that is ridiculous. Surely they should want to have an interest in their grandchildren and by default their own children? Its incredibly selfish.
Both of our parents are not interested in our children or us either. All retired and do nothing but watch TV all day. They couldn't even tell you what year they are in at school. Its sad. They are missing out on so much. The resentment it causes is awful. I won't be around to help in their old age.

The relationship with teens will be non existent if it hasn't grown from them being tiny. Its not about what is expected but about what they want to do. My teenage grandchildren come here voluntarily like it was their second home That did not happen overnight but cumulatively.

I think there should be no expectations around babysitting, care, chores, running around etc. I get the impression you would have appreciated some babysitting and childcare when they were younger. In my view the have done their share with their own children and some enjoy the freedom retirement brings. Yes of course it is heaven sent when grandparents step in and help us out as saves us precious funds and a family feel.

I know many grandparents who will do an odd day here and there but are way too busy with pub lunches, walks etc to want to commit to a schedule. This is something to be celebrated as they are achieving well socially in life.

I do find it sad however more on the messaging side, little good luck messages with exams and yes inviting them over more. Seeing their plays it’s these things in my view that count. These are the key parts of being a grandparent imho.

Although a trip was your fathers interest this would have been a big deal to him, so inviting your children is actually a lovely thing.

Maybe suggest some ideas?

You can’t EXPECT anything. You may receive and you may not. We never had any help at all off grandparents or family. It is what it is. And you can’t force anyone to be interested in another person. I think it’s bad but that’s just how some people are. Nothing to be done.

Teens? Ma6mybe they should go see their grandparents

My dad is exactly the same, never bothers with the kids. I have to text him to see him cus I wouldn’t hear off him. i just don’t get it, I’m not expecting a babysitter just to take an interest.

I think we all know the saying “you can choose your friends, but not your relatives”.
But, I would be correcting their lies on social media.

I have a similar situation, no interest and I only see them if I do the inviting, which I do much less now after years of it. I’ve accepted it now, and just hope I have a closer relationship with my kids when they are adults/ if they have their own children.

People say not to expect but I don’t understand how you’ve not to expect help from the people who brought you into the world when you have an mri scan! Jesus I would help a neighbour in this situation let alone my own daughter who is do anything for to help, as did my mum and dad, I’m very grateful for the family I have and I’m sorry you don’t have that op but I’d pull back if I was you, you owe them nothing either if that’s their view

I think it's just the way some people are - you maybe should revisit your expectations - this isn't new behaviour. I get that it's disappointing but getting upset won't fix it.

Sounds like they had children because it was the "thing to do" rather than them actually wanting children.

I think it's really sad that they aren't interested. However, sounds like there is little you can do to change them now so unfortunately, you just have to live your life with the small amount that you do see them.

Don't let it bother you anymore.

I think your parents just aren’t interested in being grandparents.

I’d back off and see if they start to make requests to see you and the kids. I expect they won’t but then you have your answer.

I think you’re going to have to accept they aren’t the sort of grandparents/parents who take much interest.

Wonder how this will change when they are older and finding life difficult - they may be expecting you to help out then. You’d be within your rights to do very little for them.

My dad lives a ten minute drive from my house and no longer makes an effort. Never asks how the kids are and never responds if I message asking how he is. He always seemed annoyed if I made an effort to visit him too and honestly he's not a very nice person in general. I've stopped making effort since the kids pointed out to me that they're not "cousins names" so grandad doesn't care. He does everything for my sister who lives a similar distance and makes loads of effort to bother with her kids whilst not caring a toss for mine. So now I don't speak to him and removed him from my social media. He doesn't seem to care. I expect nothing from him yet my sister only really contacts him when she wants childcare or wants his contribution to yet another new car she has her eye on

Grandparents can and usually are interested in their grandchildren. However, they don’t always feel the need to get involved in childcare. 🤷‍♀️

My retired parents live one village over, they probably see my teenagers a few times a year, hardly ever ask about them or even me really. I probably saw my nan once a week at the same age but we had a very different relationship.

There shouldn’t be expectations, most hate going to school plays etc for their own children certainly don’t want to sit on uncomfortable chairs for grandchildren.

I don't think that babysitting has to be a given but my parents enjoyed seeing me & would come over every week which also meant that they saw the GC then.

They sound like crap grandparents and frankly I’d step back a bit from inviting them to things . My in-laws were similarly not involved with our kids and now my kids are adults they have very little to do with MIL who is their remaining grand parent . My late mother was an excellent grandparent and our eldest in particular was very close to her and was even living with her prior to her death so it isn’t as if my kids aren’t sociable with their relatives .