What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

Why? It gives some people so much joy, my mums grandchildren were her life, they are so close to her as adults now and absolutely adore her. She still had a social life and holidays though

Nah sadly that seems to be fairly common among boomer GPs :( im aware there are those who are the exception but I see this happening fair often now

Until they’re elderly and want help from the people they ignored.

I don't see it like that. Mostly our generation have our kids with us now till they are almost 30 years old. We get very little time to ourselves - they eventually move out and not long after have babies and then we're expected to continue (grand)parenting and looking after our elderly parents.

My generation left home at 18 (or earlier) - our parents had plenty of time to themselves, the grandparents didn't live as long or were put in homes (actually in our house the grandkids were expected to care for the grandparents until they went into a home).

I will be having some lovely time to myself and no doubt spending lovely time with my grandkids but not 24/7, drop everything - that's many steps too far and no worries about the threat of lack of the elderly care, the money we have saved will be well spent on providing us with the care we need, we wouldn't dream of putting that kind of expectation on our kids - we have seen what it does to families and we wouldn't do it to ours.

I will be having some lovely time to myself and no doubt spending lovely time with my grandkids but not 24/7

Of course you should have time to yourself and not be expected to provide fixed childcare. But the OP’s parents aren’t interested at all, they bailed when she needed an MRI scan and I think has said her parents are expecting help when they’re older.

I’m honestly of the thought of matching people’s energy.

It's very disappointing but you can't expect anything. My parents were the same. When I finally, quietly commented that we were not that close as a family, that they had never had DC to stay or taken them out for the day, or shown interest in their interests, my dad's eyes opened wide in surpise. He had always thought we were close, and it had never occurred to him that the lack of effort on their part meant we had drifted apart.

Its hard however I met my friend today and the grand daughter is 2. Its full on. It would have been nice if my mam showed interest in the kids. They grown now so I dont need help. You lucky if you get good help.

And can i ask why not?
Plenty of threads on MN encouraging utterly selfish behaviour imo (particularly around Christmas when there were plenty of threads where posters thought it was absolutely fine to leave (most likely) MILs alone because they wanted Christmas as 'family time'), cutting down on visits because they are too tiring etc.
'They're your children, not hers', 'They've had their turn', 'genrly explain we know better now' and so on .... putting yourself first is very much the order of the day now.
Why can't the courtesy of pleasing yourself only and having boundaries not be extended to retired people too?

I honestly think that some people think that a close family relationship is purely down to shared genetics. The idea that they actually have to make some effort in a mutual relationship or it will die doesn't seem to occur to them.

I find that really disappointing and sad they are so uninvolved. I grew up with a gran and grandpa that were very involved in our lives. We lived quite far from them but often would spend a week or so with them during the holidays and then see them at Christmas if we could. When we moved closer to them I'd still have a sleepover when I was 20 odd, loved having that relationship with them.

I don't have my parents so my children never know them but they are very close to their grandparents from their dad's side. They have always taken an interest in their lives and even though two of mine are young adults they go and visit their nanny and grandad frequently.

I wonder if they are repeating their own relationships with GP. Mine weren’t local but both of DHs were to him.
The expectation was he was to visit them on their own when he was old enough, do things for them, listen to them. I don’t think they were expected to be ‘interested’ in their GC.
Im not saying it’s right but I think a lot of people had a relationship like that. They never went out of their way to come see them.

It's absurd to "expect" anything from anyone. Regardless of who they are.