What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

Well when they get ill or need a care home you’ll know what you have to do won’t you?

If they’re teens already then the ship has truly sailed to be asking this question. Everyone is set in their ways now so what are you expecting to change?

There’s doing this and there’s being an arsehole. Didn’t you see the post about the MRI?

If you are planning to do little or no care for them as they age, you need to dial back on the level of effort you're putting into them now. This will let them know not to expect anything from you later on.

Sorry they sound a bit rubbish as grandparents. What were they like as parents?

My own grandparents many years ago rarely took us out or had us stay over. Only a couple of times. However my step grandmother used to mind my brother when he had chronic asthma but for money. My own nana just didn’t do things like nativity plays or anything like that. Maybe it was a generational thing. As my nana got older I think she felt guilty for not being as involved as she could’ve been.

Why are you the only fool running after them. They sound absolutely horrible and so undeserving of a second of your time. What are you teaching your kids? That when people treat you better, you still run after them? I would become very much unavailable from now, stop all the invites and leave them to it

That’s a really shitty & selfish thing to do to a friend- let alone your own daughter!
prioritising a social lunch over supporting your own daughters health needs is unforgivable.
but on MN we’re made to believe the current retired generations social needs are far more important than anything else & above any other generation. I’d be devastated if my parents let me down when I really needed them like this. When ppl are retired they have plenty of time to have lunch with friends- having an MRI scan for health needs (especially around looking after children & working) isn’t so easy to re-arrange.
but here in MN we’ll be told the retired/GP’s priority is to have complete freedom to spend 100% of their time focused on their own social life & looking out solely for themselves & sod anyone else in their family whom may need an hour or two support for an important ad hoc hospital appointment!
yeah id match this same mentality & thought to their needs. When they may need some support to attend a hospital appointment maybe you’l prioritise a friends lunch instead in the same ‘thoughtful’ way they did when you needed them

My DM kept a relationship going with her mother and father (they divorced and remarried). My grandad was very much into himself and talking about himself and he could get into furious rages. My nana also didn’t have a good relationship with my DM in her 20s. But my DM always stayed fairly close to them re distance and always invited them around and went round to their homes.

My family are a bit like this. I could match their energy but I feel guilty - it's not in my nature to be distant, uncaring, unhelpful etc. However, my husband has a very long memory and says he'll cast back all the excuses we've received over the years right back at them if/when they need our help in the future!

I think they are missing out here.some GDP seem oblivious to their grandchildren! I was practically co parented by my Nan. every WE and Wednesday evening sleepovers.my My mum and stepdad would babysit ,and we would go out with DC .as well.they weren't up for CC though and that's fine. Do they have other DGC .how are they with them?

Siblings and I had zero relationship with grandparents. There is one grandchild and my parents are reserved about it they wouldn’t babysit or have DC overnight and in laws have even less to offer. It is sad. I’m glad though DC has other people who care more deeply.

When I was a child my parent's put my nine year old self and my five year old brother on a plane from Sydney to Dublin by ourselves to stay with my grandparents. My mother came to collect us six months later. Yet they won't offer to have my children overnight.
They see absolutely nothing wrong or strange in this. As far as they are concerned, they are wonderful in every way.

I am sorry OP. They sound similar to my FIL and his wife. They live 1 mile away and see our 2 children (their only grandchildren) when they drop off presents at Xmas and birthdays, and maybe 4 more times a year (instigated by DH). Weirdly though they have bought loads of toys for my children to play with, they just don’t invite them round. They invited my eldest (2.5) round for the first time ever last month. My husband then messaged a few weeks later saying would they like to have her again and got a reply “we’d love to but sorry we can’t commit to anything right now”. They don’t have much of a social life so we don’t know why they don’t want to see her. Also my husband has had recent mental health problems which they are aware of, so adhoc childcare would give him a bit of a break but they still turned down his request for help.

When I first went back to work they said they’d like to look after her one day a week, and they cancelled on us 3 times in the first 5 weeks so we put her name straight on the list for nursery. When I was pregnant with DD2 and going for a scan we asked if they’d like to look after DD1 (we asked my mum to be backup) and they said “yes we should be ok unless anything comes up”. We haven’t asked them again.

Its been helpful to read other comments as I’m also of the opinion just not to bother with them unless they instigate it, but it’s not my father so easier for me to say. DH has been going to counselling and a key take away is that you can’t change other people, only your reaction to them.

So that means not supporting your child when they really need help or showing any interest in them?

My dad is the same, only see him at Christmas and birthdays but it's what ive got used to, he's nearly 70 and doesn't like disrupting his routine so just comes on special occasions

I feel this a lot. I'd really love to have family contact, interest or a willingness to spend time with. Sometimes I think it's them, but under that is a rejected, unappreciated child. I try not to give it headrace, but my parents were disinterested from the get go. Expecting anything now would be silly, illogical. But a bit of me does. The village is an absolute lie.

I do think involved loving parents are more likely to go on to be caring, supportive grandparents. That's what I see in other families anyway. Also some parents I guess just want their (perfectly justified) freedom, with longer old age I guess there's more socialising to be done, more of a retirement to enjoy. But i do find my parents generation are particularly self-centred, not very interested in volunteering etc. Good luck to them, but, bridges have been burned. I'm not 100% they know my address now.

You don't expect anything, as they're independent people with their own lives, not putative childminders. If fit and well, this is the time when they should be making the most of hobbies, travel and friends...... as you should, when your retirement comes, OP.

Er, friendship has deep emotional ties! Grandparents probably have friends they've known for 50+ years, and been through a huge amount with. Friends are people we choose and love - these ties are the closest if all.

MIL is very much the same OP. They let us down most times they hinted at helping when our two were small, and she's never had any interest in their progress, successes or interests. My eldest is now 13 and I am quite confident she couldn't tell you what instrument he plays, what subjects he enjoys or what else he like doing. It's really heartbreaking, so I do understand how you feel.

(my mum was my exactly great as a grandma either, in terms of helping us, but she always showed enormous interest in the kids and wanted to know how they were doing, which made big difference, and my kids remember her fondly.)

They have their own lives! I’d absolutely never expect anything from my parents, however their choice was to be hands on grandparents! I find it strange that people expects grandparents to want to turn up to everything!

It will be interesting to see what they will be like when they get ill and older.. you can't just magic up a relationship then when you have time for one.. My parents were active and involved with all 7 of their GC... they had their own lives too for sure but all the GC had proper relationships with them.. now they are older and more frail the GC.. all in their twenties text, call, make the effort to see them unprompred when in their home town and genuinely care about them.. I dont think your kids will have that relationship.. ultimately its your parents who will lose out and thats sad.. concentrate on your own family

If I’m lucky enough to become a Granny then I’ll be on hand 24/7, I’ll do whatever is asked, I love my 3 DC and cannot imagine not being in their lives if they have children, I will find a balance of helping-like my wonderful parents did
I loved having my Mum/Dad around when my DS’s were young, my DM died suddenly when they were 6 and 3, my DF died 6 years later when my DD was 6 months .
They were so patient, kind and understood my children completely, it was a very special time.
I would love to be just like them if I have the chance, time will tell
Your parents have missed out, you can only try, definitely their loss, never understand this thinking.

For your own sanity, expect nothing. You’re a grown up, they’re grown ups, so you each offer the relationship whatever you’re happy to offer. If what they offer offends or upsets you, then distance yourself like you would with any other relationship that offends or upsets you.

You don’t “expect” a certain level of effort from other people. You see what they offer and make your own choices based on that information.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel upset though. Just remember that you being upset won’t change their behaviour, so all you can do is protect yourself.

On hand 24/7 - whatever is asked. 😮Are you for real? I hope I have more plans in place than being this dedicated to being a grandparent.