What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

Well, I’d expect more engagement than that. They sound very disengaged. At the very least it’s rude to accept meals out etc and never reciprocate. I think I’d be matching their energy from now on. Do they expect help in other areas from you? I think in all adult relationships there needs to be a balance unless other circumstances (like ill health etc).

DP’s parents aren’t very present but I can see that’s due to complex reasons (and I get those reasons) and they do message us. So I think it does depend on individual circumstances but from what you’ve said here, it sounds just a lack of interest from your parents.

I don’t feel it’s about ‘expectations’ as such. It’s more about the natural instinct most of us have to show an interest because we care. I can’t imagine having zero interest in the lives of family members, particularly at milestone moments like starting school, sitting exams, going to uni.

However I would add that I think the ‘expectations’ thing can become problematic, as evidenced by the many threads from parents who expect gp to provide babysitting, or school pick ups, often on a regular basis. And there are often threads criticising gp for not following the prescribed routine to the letter. I’ve also noticed the ‘tit for tat’ thing where childcare almost becomes a bargaining chip: ‘if they don’t do it for me, then I won’t help them if they become frail’ … that’s really unpleasant when you see the relationship has strings attached.

Ideally you would hope gp would be interested and involved because they want to be, not because of some veiled threat that they’ll get no help later on unless they do x,y and z now.

I don’t think you’re entitled to any kind of childcare but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re talking about.
Yanbu to feel upset that they don’t seem interested in spending any time with their family and that it’s always you making the effort, I can understand it makes you feel unimportant.

YANBU. My mum has to work part-time as she is on her own, so can’t afford not to. She has made a lot of effort over the past 7 years to spend her week days off with me & my children, and will have them overnight on a Saturday so my DH and I can go out. She joins in with days out, birthdays, etc.

She feels guilty she can’t help more when she’s at work (I have reassured her that she does a lot and I know she has to be there financially), she would love to be retired sooner to offer even more flexible help. So yeah, for GP couples who are retired I’d be disappointed too if I were you. 💐

I would think that for some reason they don’t like you or your kids ? Unusual but does happen

I’d be really hurt too in your shoes. However, they make their own choices and all you can change is your own behaviour. As many have said, I’d match their energy. No more invites to dinner and certainly no invites to eat out. I’d also do what I wanted at big occasions like Xmas and birthdays too without considering their feelings. And what goes around comes around. When their health starts to fail and they need support I’d be suggesting to call taxis and adult social care if I didn’t want to help. They prioritise themselves and it is only reasonable to do the same. I suspect after they haven’t seen you for several months they will get in touch. Then let them do the running around for a change.

Your parents sound detached as parents and the same as grandparents. Sad, and it was unrealistic to hope they might change at this point. Your thoughts/feelings that they weren’t and aren’t great are understandable.

The DC likely don’t feel close to their GPs and are likely fine with it, since it’s a different relationship.

Wouldn’t be treating your parents to regular meals out etc when it’s never reciprocated! That’s Stately Homes thread territory!

I agree with your framing crossedlines. These things shouldn't be transactional or controlling, but I definitely do/did things for my parents because they did similar for theirs and were interested in their grandchildren.

What has OP sown though? There is no evidence that she has treated her parents badly or set unreasonable boundaries for them. She has never asked them for childcare.

They are obviously completely uninterested in their grandchildren. If they are telling their friends that they are doting grandparents, they are liars and hypocrites.

Perhaps they know that teens and grandparents seldom have much in common. Teens usually want to spend time with their friends or gaming or doing sport.

My dm spent time with her first dgcs until they were about 5, then found them too boisterous. She was early 60s.

I think it's best to expect no help. They see their dgcs at Christmas and Easter. That's not unusual. I'm 62 and would expect to help out in an emergency but not regularly. After that age, things can get very tiring. I'm fit. I still run and work full time but by the end of the day I'm shattered.

It's bit of both here in my opinion.

Your use of language makes you sound entitled. Asking what you should 'expect'. Also, saying you had to hire babysitters because your parents 'let you down'. Had they agreed to babysit then changed their mind at the last minute thus 'letting you down'. Or were you 'let down' because you had expectations arising from a. Sense of entitlement?

The lack of interest from your parents in your children's lives is a shame though. I can't imagine being like that about my grandchildren.

Yes that’s pretty crap of them. My ILs aren’t great but they’re fab when they see our kids. My dad is great and messages my kids (late teens) and takes them out for lunch. When you say your parents are active would they play golf with them? Maybe just ask? Sometime they need a nudge. I had to ask my dad to take my son for lunch(he was struggling mentally) and it’s built a lovely bond, my dad wouldn’t have come up with it himself.

Lots of teens have no real interest in spending time with grandparents even if the grandparents have been involved.

my parents were fairly involved considering they lived quite a long way away and my dad had cancer for a long time.

neither my mum nor my dad would ever have dreamed of texting them directly or taking them to McDonald’s though (to be fair they were foodies and hated fast food).

we did do a lot of family things together - holidays, my parents came and looked after them for weeks at a time while I worked when our school terms didn’t quite align (I was a teacher).

I did have to bribe my teens to do it though - in a we can stay at a posh hotel and you can order any room service you want if you come to great aunt betty’s 70th that the whole family will be at sort of thing.

Not a ‘bit of both’. OP has explained that her parents had agreed to babysit and then pulled out. Her OP gives the impression that she’s asking what others think is reasonable to hope for (‘expect’). Her hopes / wishes don’t seem unreasonable - though unlikely to be fulfilled by her parents

and my dad is 82 and in poor health and still manages it. He has a great laugh with my boys.

"They're liars and hypocrites."

Wow, you're very judgemental ! You have no idea what age does to your resilience. At 60 I simply don't have the reserves to look after small energetic children.

Absolute reciprocate the effort that they put into their children/grandchildren when they want you to run around after them and provide care when they become ill or less mobile.

Distant family relationships work both ways. They don't get to be a completely hands-off and distant parent/grandparent but have entitled and unrealistic expectations of the help that they expect to receive from the children and grandchildren that they have ignored and neglected over the years.

Seriously? These are grandparents not second cousins.
I feel for you OP.

My parents are the same. They live 10 mins away and no interest. They can't hold a conversation with me or DD as they don't know our interests or lives. They don't know what time buy DD for Christmas as they dont know what she likes.

I

My parents invested a lot in my children, DH's parents, virtually nothing.

We could never understand why there was such a difference, we just had to accept it.
I would treat your parents, like for like, and only invest as much as they do.

This is not tit for tat but hopefully will stop you feeling hurt or resentful at their lack of contact.

You can't force a relationship, but also you don't have to look after them if required to do so in old age.

For me my expectations of childcare were low (our parents were not retired and lived too far away for staters!) Even if local I don’t think our parents would be the kind to drop everything to assist on that side of things on a regular basis.

BUT, and this is a big but, they truly want/ed to be part of our children’s lives and have done a lot of adhoc babysitting over the years. To the extent that our children spend a couple of weeks in the summer with them, and another set takes them away on holiday. The focus has always been about bonding, getting time together as opposed to helping us out perse (but then it does of course help us out as it gives us some time alone which I think is really important).

I completely understand GP not wanting to be in the coal face of child rearing again, but I think it’s very sad if they don’t want to build relationships with GC. Parents do have to be willing to let that happen though, I know lots of parents wouldn’t be comfortable with the trust and flexibility we have afforded GP.

My mum hasn't seen my eldest in 7 years and never met my youngest. It doesn't stop her telling everyone how close they are, how much she looks after them and what a doting nan she is though. My 84 yr old nan has seen them a few times a year and she lives 250 miles away.

Some people prefer the image rather than the reality.

Think of it the other way round.

"Our adult daughter lives 5 mins from us but we only see her occasionally as she's so busy living her own life......."

They don't owe you anything. They are fully formed people in their own right, they don't just exist in relation to you.

They did their part bringing you up, that they owed you, now it's your turn with your kids.

They are happy, healthy and doing their own thing. Be pleased for them.

My parents were always interested in my kids lives (they both passed away before my children reached ten). My in laws would probably have never seen my kids if we didn’t arrange anything. They do (did, only one, who is actually step grandparent, still alive) love my children and engaged with them when we took them round or they visited. They never ever reached out to them or spent any time alone with them. And they had no relationship with my stepchildren (their first grandchildren) as they didn’t like my DH’s ex, and my DH always blamed himself for not pushing it more. Oddly they said how delighted they were when my eldest stepson reached out to them when he had his first child, as if the ‘rift’ had been entirely his fault!
So expectations? Apparently none if you look at how you were brought up (and maybe how they in turn were brought up). It’s sad, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can be wonderful. One would hope if their parents loved them they would love their children’s children, and show interest and want to spend time with them. Society expects that, but individuals do not always live up to that.

This is so sad that they put more value on friendship than family. I do wonder if friendship is easier as there are no emotional ties. Perhaps they find that easier.
what I can tell is that if one day you are a granny there will be a whole other experience happening for them.