What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

The MRI example shows you that they are completely unreliable, so you shouldn’t ever expect anything from them. If a friend treated you this way (showed little interest in your life and kept letting you down at the last minute) I’m guessing you would fade them out?

It’s sad, because most people would expect more from grandparents (or more accurately most grandparents would want to be more involved by choice) so I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect them to follow through on a few things they have agreed to help with, but you know what they are like now.

On the bright side, you won’t feel obliged to run around after them when they get a bit older!

I’d probably stop contacting them and seeing them until they’re ready to have a conversation about how they have been rubbish grandparents to your DC, and not reciprocating your efforts. No point brushing it under the carpet, they are oblivious to what they’ve done and how it has made you feel.

Absolutely reciprocate their efforts.

Many of my peers are entering the elderly parents life stage, and generally the support offered is in a similar league to the involvement that the parents gave, whether that's physical or emotional.

For practical reasons my expectations were low, but I've been disappointed in how uninterested DM is in my children, and I can see patterns repeating in her golden child, scapegoat dynamics. As she's got deeper into old old age, she's become more entrenched. She'll give Farage plenty of conversation topic energy, but can barely bring herself to ask how DS1 is. I'm out of emotional energy to chase her, which has been made harder by her proud stubborn refusal to adapt to things like mobile phones (ironically she used them in the 90's but decided that she wasn't going to learn to read a text message) leaving her dependant on a landline she can barely hear.

Ultimately she has made choices that make our relationship harder and I have limited capacity to fill that gap.

Fortunately she has a golden child who lives locally. Credit to him, he does a great job (although he gets less of the negativity, and internalised misogyny).

For me, this particular instance would mark the end of my relationship with my parents. Choosing a friend's friend's lunch over the medical and childcare needs of their own daughter is unforgivable. No way would I be making any effort with them. There would be no further invites. And I would absolutely not be helping them in their old age.

oh my @Marmalady10they sound horrible- certainly not my experience with my parents who are wonderful and at the drop of a hat would be there for me, dh and their grandchildren, emergency or not.
Isn’t that what you do for those you love ?

I guess I just hoped that when they retired they might become more family focused and want to make the most of time they missed when they were working.

This reads to me like they're behaving how they always have, but your expectations are that they should change and behave accordingly.

You have made me feel old. I am 60 and I could easily look after energetic children.

This.
Match their energy.

They sound like crap grandparents and parents.

I would slowly stop any efforts towards them and see how long it takes then to make any.

Sounds like you actually expect very little and they put out even less. I bet they have helped out social acquaintances more than they've helped you out.

Historically I can see why you're upset with the lack of engagement over the years but it sounds like this is just who your parents are and I doubt you will change them now.

Also, your children are now teens - do they really want their grandparents at every school event etc?

By the time my daughter was a teen (actually even before) my mum in particular was an absolute liability in public and would have mortified both me and DD at any school event (and did on a few occasions).

@Marmalady10 100 per cent the above quote.
If they weren’t there for you as a child, they won’t change for your children. Reciprocity is your best bet.

That’s terrible. I’m sorry you’re lumbered with such selfish, horrible parents. You’re a more patient woman than me, I fear!!

This is absolutely spot on!!

That's a shame OP. It's very disappointing to think that your DC have missed out on having interested and loving grandparents, as without doubt, it enriches lives. However, we play the cards we are dealt, not the ones we'd have picked. So there is no point dwelling on it. Make only the level of effort with them you're comfortable without resentment, and without expectation. Accept the limitations of tjeir offer, and focus on what your DC do have rather than what they don't.

I think that’s sad for your parents and DC.
PIL aren’t very involved and live a distance away, my parents however have helped us loads with childcare and babysitting, always there for nativities etc, as a result they have a lovely close relationship with both DDs which is positive for everyone

Actually they sound awful. If a friend treated you like that you would drop them. I think you should take a step back. I realised that I was the one always contacting my parents. When I stopped they would message and say 'we haven't heard from you in ages' (as if it was my job to stay in contact). Once I took control I felt better though and cared less.

No expectations but in your case I would wait for them to suggest something.

I could have written this post and your original post about my PILs. It's really sad. I have just matched their zero interest and disengaged with them. Appreciate that must be so much harder when it's your actual parents.

Are your teens at all interested in having their grandparents at their events/ doing things with their grandparents? The average teen doesnt always want parents around and has little interest in older adults.

Honestly OP, that is really shocking behaviour from them.
I would be very concerned for your self esteem that you would accept this.

This is not nofmal behaviour at all.
This goes far beyond not being interested.
This is genuinely awful of them.

DROP the rope.
Step away.

Your original question was ‘what can I reasonably expect of retired grandparents?’ And I am afraid the answer to that is nothing .

They are adults who are in the final third of their lives, they have worked hard and brought up their own family and they want to choose how they live their lives. That’s their prerogative and, however sad it makes you, you don’t get to expect anything from them.

I am an ‘involved’ grandparent and it brings me enormous joy to have these little people in my life. But not everyone feels like that and you just have to accept the reality of your situation. Celebrate your close nuclear family, take pride in your independence and take credit for those achievements.

We are very close to our children and grandchildren and I feel your parents are the losers. But …and there is a but …sometimes I do feel exhausted by it and I may sneakily admire your parents for setting their boundaries.

when you take them out for meals, do you pay for them or do they pay for themselves? If you pay for them, stop.

Exactly this. .

After observing people I think.

Some people don’t enjoy the company of children, they had children but your parents I assume are at least Gen X. I’m almost 60 and hopefully the last generation where not having children made you odd. It was just expected if you married that you would try to have them.

Some people and I think I only know one couple like this are so bonded they need no one else and that includes their own children and grandchildren. They don’t dislike them they are just not needed.

Well, I’ve always been interested in what the GCs were and are doing. They're adults now.

But, I had a busy life, when they were little, caring for my elderly parents, and a DH with health problems.

So, no, I never got involved in anything but occasional and emergency childcare.

It’s not a right that grandparents should provide childcare, and be endlessly on hand.

Grandparents, like parents, do have a life of their own.