I'm too boring for DH

[Wowserbowser88]

Not even sure where to start with this one

Dh has been off with me all week. Snappy, short answers to any questions and just not engaged at all.

He had a drink tonight and finally admitted that he thinks i'm too boring for him. Because I don't have many friends. Don't go out and when I do its usually with work friends.

He thinks I am a terrible friend because I don't have many so I must be.

I don't go to any clubs or activities etc and we don't go out at the weekend often.

Here's the thing.. we have 2 children (8 and 4.) Both work full time and up until a year ago he worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) so I could never make plans as he was always on shift. Even now he often works shifts. tho less of them and has weeks where he is on call 24/7 so I can't do anything

He also goes to football most weekends all day on Saturday so i'm at home with kids and he may stay put in the pub after until late

He was away with work last week and said he sat in a hotel room just thinking how badly he'd messed up by marrying someone so boring

He seems to think people, even with young children are out socialising every weekend and we're not and the children will suffer because of it

One hundred percent this!

Imagine listening to someone whine about you instead of having fun conversation!

Your idiot of a DH needs to learn that life is what you make it.

I'm not surprised you feel numb.

But please don't internalise the rubbish he has thrown at you.
Of course you are good enough and of course you are enough.

His dissatisfaction with things as they are is about him, for whatever reason. Possibly another woman or just an inability to grow up. But it is not about you.

The question now is whether he is good enough for you. I would say no & that you deserve better.
As a PP said, if he is like this now what would he be like if you faced a crisis together such as you becoming unwell?

Just wanting the good times all the time is not compatible with life with young kids. He just sounds selfish & immature.

This.

Remove all the boring things from your life.
Stop

• doing his boring laundry
• Cooking his boring dinners
• and having boring sex with him.
• stop organising any in law admin - that his boring job now.

Make yourself. your children, your finances, your friends, your family, your first priority.

Don't bother organising meet ups with WAGs of his friends.. he will only criticise.

Basically start living for yourself.. because that is what he is doing.

My husband told me he needed a more exciting life than I was giving as his reason for leaving me a year ago, we’d been together 18 yrs . He worked away in the week , we had no family support within 2 hrs and our youngest is disabled and can only be with me or him when not at school due to her care needs . So not a lot of scope for me to be less boring as a full time carer on my own . Of course he was gaslighting me and I found out a week later he was having an affair and had been for a while . He’s now moved 90 mins away from us so I’m even more “boring “ as a single parent 24/7 as our disabled daughter can’t deal with the separation and won’t go and stay with him . But I’m glad to be rid of someone who tries to blame me for his own crap behaviour and shortcomings .
I don’t think there’s anyway back for you really , hopefully if you separate you will get more time to do what you want when he has the kids and he won’t be able to go out every weekend .

Maybe he should do some parenting so you can have a life?

I'm raging for you. The actual nerve of him.

Hey OP .
You sound like you’re married to an 18 year old who is a Jack the lad 🙄.
He feels your 4 year old & 6 year old will suffer because you guys don’t go out every weekend !!!!
He’s a plonker to say the least for him .
I know he’s your husband, but Jesus Christ I hope you’re not taking in any of what this idiot is saying.
Seriously OP , he’s a fool .
How badly he messed up for marrying someone so boring ! , I know that must sting listening to him say that , but I hope you realise you deserve so much more than him .x

This. He has a foot out of the door already and is lining up to blame you @Wowserbowser88

I would divorce him for the comment about sitting asking himself why he had married you. I would be reversing that PDQ !

This

OMFG the AUDACITY of some men. Where does it come from, this entitled arseholery? Sorry to say, but it sounds like when he was away with work, something might have happened that he retrospectively may be trying to justify by saying you're boring. Even if that's not the case, what a horrible thing to say to somebody you're supposed to love and be part of a team with. Downright nasty in fact.

So but he does not deserve you, what a horrible, hatful nasty man. Tell him to F off and find someone less boring then.

This! Absolutely. Put yourself in the centre of your thoughts and decide what YOU want. Maybe it's not him?

This.

I'm now looking at somewhere to go during half term. I have the week off as there is obviously no possibility of him taking any of it off

So trying to find somewhere just me and the kids for a few days for some space for all of us.

Excellent plan. Make sure he pays for it - if he complains say you’re trying to be less boring.

You are NOT boring, you are a busy working mum.

Totally agree with this.

This is really nasty stuff. He wants out for whatever reason and he’s setting you up to make it your fault

Reading this brought back so many memories! I’m. It saying my situation was the same as your now but my ex husband started acting like this we had two small children his life didnt change at all, I had friends till I didn’t because I couldn’t spend time with them they stopped asking, he worked I was a stay at home mum , that also meant I did everything for the kids I Cooley ask him to look after out children because that was my job I would have to ask a grandparent to look after them and hope ask wish they never asked why their dad couldn’t. Anyway he was having an affair with someone from work he he was making excuses for how bad our life together was because he had a bit of excitement on the side. Either way don’t listen to him but agree with him hes right you do need friends and I urge you to Go and get people in your corner because the friends you have are the family you pick xx

He wasn’t the n the hotel room alone - he’s cheating - I’d bet my house on it!

He may or may not be having an affair (he probably is or at the very least considering it) but he is definitely one foot out the door and looking for ways to blame you for it.

Enjoy your half term with your children. Get sorted as much as possible for a life without him - financially particularly. Tell someone in real life how he behaves.

If you do have another conversation about what he said tell him there is nothing more boring than a drunk or a man up his own arse. And often when he is away you sit in your bedroom and think how badly you messed up by marrying someone so immature and boring.

I’m so sorry. I really hope you can see how awful this is, how entitled and cruel and unkind and ungrateful. Repeatedly telling you you’re boring and not good enough is abuse, and you don’t deserve it. I hope you and the kids have a wonderful half-term without him, and I hope it shows you life without him might be wonderful. You deserve better than this arsehole.

This makes me really sad
What an absolute shit he is

He's back-tracking because he knows he's gone too far, too soon and skipped a few pages of the script in his drunkenness. He's supposed to spend a few months subtly undermining you first to you, his friends, family and himself, before he leaves for the other woman.

Another scenario is that he actually has sex with someone in that hotel room last week and is determined to absolve himself of the guilt by making it your fault.

Check his phone and check your finances.

Let me tell you what’s boring.

Boring will be him seeing his DC every other weekend (and not going to football or the pub) and a Wednesday night. He’ll be bored cooking them dinner and having to come up with things to do with them.

Boring will be him having to give you maintenance and other money whilst he’s trying to pay the rent on his 2-bed flat.

Boring will be him flipping open a Frey Bentos and some peas for one whilst you are at home snuggled up with your DC, happier without him.

OP, I’m at the age where I know how to handle a dickhead like him.

What you need to do is start acting like you just don’t care, and that you can get by without him. Take charge and book your time away. Start doing things for you. Let him see that when your relationship dips, you thrive, you don’t wither. That, actually, you do better when he’s not around.

Show him that you’ve checked out. Don’t let him strip your self worth. He may just be setting you up to split up and make you feel it’s your fault, and even convince himself so.

Next time he belittles you, laugh and give it some back. Show him that he’s dispensable. And he is. If you can get by financially, thank him for his sperm donation, but you have no need of him now.

So he goes away, then comes back snappy and irritable and believing your marriage is a 'mistake' all of a sudden? Whatever is going on here, I'll bet my house its nothing to do with how many friends you have and how often you go out.
This will be about him. Something he's done, or something he wants to do and he's trying to put the blame on you.
I strongly advise you not to get into conversations about whether you're boring or not, but ask him what exactly has caused him to question his marriage all of a sudden, and what he wants to do about it. Don't be fobbed off.