I'm too boring for DH

[Wowserbowser88]

Not even sure where to start with this one

Dh has been off with me all week. Snappy, short answers to any questions and just not engaged at all.

He had a drink tonight and finally admitted that he thinks i'm too boring for him. Because I don't have many friends. Don't go out and when I do its usually with work friends.

He thinks I am a terrible friend because I don't have many so I must be.

I don't go to any clubs or activities etc and we don't go out at the weekend often.

Here's the thing.. we have 2 children (8 and 4.) Both work full time and up until a year ago he worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) so I could never make plans as he was always on shift. Even now he often works shifts. tho less of them and has weeks where he is on call 24/7 so I can't do anything

He also goes to football most weekends all day on Saturday so i'm at home with kids and he may stay put in the pub after until late

He was away with work last week and said he sat in a hotel room just thinking how badly he'd messed up by marrying someone so boring

He seems to think people, even with young children are out socialising every weekend and we're not and the children will suffer because of it

I agree those things are importsnt, the problem is what with shifts and his own socialising and the fact OP works too there are little in the way of ‘slots’ at convenient times for her to do any socialising -

How about you spend time with people YOU like, and he tries to get on with their husbands?

His contempt for you isn't related to you not having a cartload of friends. He's almost certainly looking elsewhere and trying to justify it to himself.

That is horrible of him to say. Sorry I haven't read all the replies, but none of this is on. If, if he has realised that he would like to make changes to life now the children are a little bit older, then there are much more respectful ways of saying it to you.

But he is being horrible, and completely dismissing all the work you've done to keep the house and kids going while he worked shifts!

Yeah she isn't 'using the fact', it's a trap many women are backed into.

DH#2 and I got together at a time in our lives when there were lots of wild parties, and for the past decade we've settled into a quiet and comfortable routine. Now and then I ask him if I'm dull or boring nowadays, and he laughs and says I'm the best woman in the world and he is pretty dull and boring himself (he's not, by the way), and that's just the way he likes it.

I'm sharing this to give you a glimpse of what happiness looks like, because (based on my first marriage) I know how hard it can be to picture.

Your DH simply doesn't love you, I'm afraid. 💐

As others have said tell he's right and from now on you are going to the gym/dinner/pub after work each night and then out for afternoon tea/drinks/clubbing each and every weekend. He can forget football, he has DCs to parent without you.

How dare he! I too think he's looking for a reason to leave.

It’s actually very normal for (usually women) to embrace the family life and reduce their life to work and children. Usually due to childcare issues, work life balance and finance. Men are more likely to have their life plod along in the same way as before they had children. (This isn’t everyone but is backed up by data linked to schools eg: in traditional nuclear families women are more likely to receive a penalty notice than men, women are more frequently listed as first priority for school contact etc..)
your husband is being unreasonable a) because he’s being a rude pig about it and verbally attacking you b) not making any effort to change the status quo in order to facilitate you regaining your former independence.
I would certainly be looking to build myself back up and getting a network around you. Reach out and arrange to catch up with some old friends or school mums. He’ll be flabbergasted when you tell him you’ve realised how you’ve neglected yourself and that you’ll have to make arrangements so you’re not both out at the same time- he’ll have to sacrifice some of his time.
once you start it will just take off.
ive just touched on a little thing to help you find yourself again- I haven’t really touched on your relationship with him and the horrid things he’s said.

He's a mean, nasty, abusive arsehole. Get rid of him would be my advice sadly as any trying in this relationship will be a waste of time for you. If you separate you will have a bit of time for yourself when he has the kids as option A. Option B where he cant be arsed seeing the kids and you still have rid of him is still preferable if he's that sort of bloke, and I'll bet he is just by this little snapshot.
You are obviously being a good mum and diligent person in prioritising them. I dont go out much either as a single parent of small kids, but i'm 100 percent happier withought a similarly mean man who said similar sorts of things. Solidarity.

Nothing wrong with you . You sound like the vast majority of mums i know. Especially with young children.
This is all him . His personality . Him obviously wanting a care free life with no responsibility and probably a woman who's main aim is to go out and get drunk and have a laugh .
Basically he needs to grow up.
Or he is or is thinking about having an affair and this is his way of deflecting blame.

He’s either cheating or planning to cheat.

I would make it my mission to get instantly more interesting and fuck off out twice a week leaving him with both kids. I would dress up; short skirt, low top, high heels and give him a cheery wave then change the password on my phone and then join a very busy WhatsApp group so my phone started pinging a lot. Oh the fun I would have.

It does seem too OP that he wants you to arrange get together with his football mates wives - that’s all very convenient for him - all people he knows etc , no effort needed or required to build a rapport with people he doesn’t know!! No consideration for the fact that unless you also know the wives well ( you may do) it’s far more of a thing to socialise with people you don’t know/don’t have a connection with etc — has he suggested getting together with people ‘you’ know and their partners? Colleagues or not?

I find your thread title and op really sad. You’re placing all the blame on yourself, worrying about what you could do better. Have more confidence. He is horrible. Nasty, mean, unkind, lazy, selfish. I would pay precisely zero attention to his thoughts because they aren’t worth a dime. Rather than worry about what he thinks about you, have a good long think about what you think of him.

Thank you for all the responses, I have read all of them so can't reply individually to all but I truly appreciate all of them

Today has been hard. Was up most of the night thinking. Then had kids swimming lessons this morning. Went on my own obviously and then a party for the youngest this afternoon.

He has kind of apologised, said he was drunk and didn't mean most of what he said. He did say he still think we could be doing more socialising and going out more and that he finds weekends where we don't do a lot hard

But i'm numb. I think I am done. His words didn't really mean anything to me and I can't look past the absolute contempt and nastiness in which he spoke to me last night

Its also not the first time this has happened. We have had various arguments over the years, it always xome back to him saying i'm not good enough, what i do isn't good enough, he wants more from me etc and I just don't have anything left to give

I've arranged to go out for drinks with some friends from work Monday after work and we're being civil in front of each other for the kids.

Good luck OP and great idea to get out a bit for yourself whilst you work out your next steps / if this relationship has anything left in it. He can at the least get a taste if everything you’ve been doing for him and your family.

What’s stopping him doing something with the kids on his own at weekends OP? And giving you a bit of down time to maybe do a hobby/ socialise? What’s with this need of his to socialise together?? Oops I forgot- he’s got football and mates to see and needs you to hold the fort !!

I’m sorry OP. Look after yourself and don’t make any hasty decisions .
start rebuilding a village around you. At the moment your confidence is low but it will get better with or without him.

Has he ever arranged a babysitter and a day or night out for you both?

Perfect

Your DH's delightful enlivening conversation is about your qualities...my goodness he thinks that he is exciting ?

Your DH's dragging down bullying is...is the most tedious, boring, conventional misery a pathetic misogynist can offer.

You are nurturing life OP, holding things together. He is take take take ...and still bored? An inadequate bully. He is the very defining of a Bore.

Could he manage the kids as much as you do currently and do all the things he wants you to do?

I think you can take your time, contemplate what you need and want and then say you've had time to consider and you're going to set him free, to be the best that he can be...which sounds like someone who wants to be somewhere else...it's really not you, it's all him here.

It's good that he's apologised but he should never have said anything like that in the first place - or the times before.

I'm glad you've had some clarity of thought on the situation. You can see exactly what he's like, and it isn't pleasant.

You must be reeling.

Whenever I’ve had relationships where a guy is ‘disappointed’ in me or compares me unfavourably to other women I’ve always looked back and regretted staying. Because it’s never been fair and always a reflection of their dissatisfaction with their own lives.

If he’s unhappy what is HE doing to change things for himself. You’re already at full capacity and it’s STILL not enough. That’s on him and not on you. It’s very telling that he expects you to organise the social events with his social group. He’s not going to be sending out invitations or cleaning the house, making canapes and decanting crisps into bowls while wrangling the children now is he?

TBH if you’re not enough for him when going full blast then what happens if you’re ever ill or bereaved, if the shit really hits the fan. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be seen for dust. He just wants things his way and doesn’t seem to want to put any effort in. Screw that. It’s not a partnership it’s servitude.

And this!