I'm too boring for DH

[Wowserbowser88]

Not even sure where to start with this one

Dh has been off with me all week. Snappy, short answers to any questions and just not engaged at all.

He had a drink tonight and finally admitted that he thinks i'm too boring for him. Because I don't have many friends. Don't go out and when I do its usually with work friends.

He thinks I am a terrible friend because I don't have many so I must be.

I don't go to any clubs or activities etc and we don't go out at the weekend often.

Here's the thing.. we have 2 children (8 and 4.) Both work full time and up until a year ago he worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) so I could never make plans as he was always on shift. Even now he often works shifts. tho less of them and has weeks where he is on call 24/7 so I can't do anything

He also goes to football most weekends all day on Saturday so i'm at home with kids and he may stay put in the pub after until late

He was away with work last week and said he sat in a hotel room just thinking how badly he'd messed up by marrying someone so boring

He seems to think people, even with young children are out socialising every weekend and we're not and the children will suffer because of it

Also this! He wont have much time for all day football and drinking when he has the kids 50/50.

You deserve so much better than this arsewipe, whether he has cheated or not

What a nasty, horrible, uncaring, insensitive man.
This must’ve been a shock to you.
New year, old DH out.
Legal advice
LTB

This will all be a hard read for you OP. Hope you take the opportunity to do something about it, but do it for you- not him. He’s an arse.

He’ll have less time when he’s parenting alternative weekends, or in the shorter term giving up alternative Saturdays or looking after them on Sundays.

I think there’s two things going on here.

1. He’s horrible and a terrible communicator. Unless there’s a big backstory, how dare he speak to you like this?
2. You do seem to be spectacularly incompatible. If my partner used the fact that we had an 8 year-old and a 4 year-old for not doing much outside work and the children, I would get frustrated too, as socialising, maintaining friendships and holding onto pre-kids identities is incredibly important to me. (Though I would never voice my frustrations in the appalling way your DH has…)

It might be time to go your separate ways.

This is gaslighting.
You are boring because you dont socialise much but cant socialise much because you work fulltime and have childcare responsibilities because your DH doesnt share childcare as he's socialising when not working.....
Hes a cruel man.
He may be starting "the script" of the cheating man.

This @Wowserbowser88 you tell him you haven’t been able to do all this because he puts himself first and doesn’t parent 50% of the time. I bet he is no catch either. The cheeky fucker!

Going out and socialising or having lots of friends aren’t things that make a person interesting. Not doing these things is a result of circumstance, not a boring or defective personality. If he doesn’t understand that he’s ignorant and childish. You deserve better OP

So to summarise, he hasn't taken to fatherhood and instead of accepting he needs to be morenpresent, he's going to sulk, start fights and blame you rather than face his own shortcomings. Dick.

I would leave him , then either 50/50 care or every other weekend. Make sure you know the football schedule. And try and time for his weekend.
Or go to football with him.

You do seem to be spectacularly incompatible. If my partner used the fact that we had an 8 year-old and a 4 year-old for not doing much outside work and the children, I would get frustrated too, as socialising, maintaining friendships and holding onto pre-kids identities is incredibly important to me

With his shift work & socialising, there's not much time left for Op!

What an complete and utter arsehole

I was told this by my exH who worked away three/four days every week & indulged in hobbies at the weekend... 🤷‍♂️
Long story short it was all part of his demonising of me to make himself feel better about his long term affair.

Some people (usually men) really struggle with the time "in the trenches" with young children & can't accept how it has inevitably changed their lives or changed the life & priorities of their partner.

Is he quite immature generally? Because it's quite an immature view to have that other people in your position are out partying or, indeed, want to be.

Be prepared for the idea that he might have someone else or want someone else.

If he has someone else or wants to have, it's not about you, it's about his immaturity and his inability to accept his responsibility to you and his kids at this moment in time.

And, if things end, it's pretty certain that at some point he will regret it.

What a complete tool. I am so sorry. Realistically i think you'd agree that you can't stay with someone long term who is willing to talk to you like that so I'd get my ducks in a row to move on. I doubt he wants the marriage to continue either if that's what he's saying (even so its an awful way to talk to the mother of his kids). Agree it might be one of those scenarios where he wants an excuse to not be the bad guy from the marriage breaking up and him seeing his kids once every fortnight.

My not DH did the very same thing to me. I realised eventually after a lot of soul searching he was actually with other women. He’s now my EX H and I’m now married to the most wonderful man. I wasn’t boring, he was just looking to blame me for his infidelity. When I did leave him he begged me not to. Best thing I ever did. You can’t come back from an apparent DH saying such cruel things to you. Tell him to fuck off, stand tall and go and do things for yourself without him. X

(Haven't RTFT yet, but too incensed not to respond straight away!)

Tell him in order to be less boring, you will cease to do the things you find boring yourself:

Sex with him
Washing his grimy undies and rank clothes
Cooking for him
Cleaning up after him
Talking to him
Looking at him
Being in the same room as him
Listening to his gaslighting

Tell him it will make you happy, so he should be happy 😊

Tell him you don’t have time to socialise and make friends as you are doing the majority of childcare plus working. Does he look after the children on his own? I would not put up with that and tell him that he needs to step up as a Dad so your life is not just childcare, housework and working as you have no personal time for yourself.

Oh he can fuck right off.

Get yourself ready, when he comes in tell him 'im off out, see ya later' and fuck off out.

He's 'default parenting' you, so do the same back, if he would just inform you he is going out without asking if thats ok, do you have plans etc etc, do the same back.

Find stuff you want to do and stick it in teh calendar. Tell him 'oh I realised you were right i DO need to go out and do more stuff without the kids, so I've put some plans on the calendar and ill be out xyz nights from now on'.

If his response is anything other than 'thats great have fun' start planning a speedy divorce (And tbh I'd start planning one anyway as he's being a prick for a reason).

Are you having a laugh !!!???

The irony is that he sounds boring. He thinks his life is superior to yours (and lets not mention the fact that you have facilitated his life) but he sounds like a bog standard dull as ditchwater man with no imagination and greener-grass syndrome.

He sounds fucking horrible! I hope you are ok OP. What a spiteful arsehole

My ex use to tell me I was really boring too. It just turns out I lost myself in parenting cos I was the only one that fucking did any!

Since we split up, I was able to embrace my boringness and found some people equally as boring as me, and I can go for my country walks and tuck myself in bed at 9pm cos I’d rather get up at 6….

Those are awful things to say. I assume he wants a divorce? I’m sure you do now.

Yep this was my first thought too

I'm so sorry.
That's dreadful of him.
You deserve so much better.

I think you should start making plans to divorce him.

He's beginning the "its not my fault I am unfaithful script"

Follow his advice ... take a good look at yourself. You have your work and your children. Do you have him? Do you love him? Does he love you? What do you want?