I'm too boring for DH

[Wowserbowser88]

Not even sure where to start with this one

Dh has been off with me all week. Snappy, short answers to any questions and just not engaged at all.

He had a drink tonight and finally admitted that he thinks i'm too boring for him. Because I don't have many friends. Don't go out and when I do its usually with work friends.

He thinks I am a terrible friend because I don't have many so I must be.

I don't go to any clubs or activities etc and we don't go out at the weekend often.

Here's the thing.. we have 2 children (8 and 4.) Both work full time and up until a year ago he worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) so I could never make plans as he was always on shift. Even now he often works shifts. tho less of them and has weeks where he is on call 24/7 so I can't do anything

He also goes to football most weekends all day on Saturday so i'm at home with kids and he may stay put in the pub after until late

He was away with work last week and said he sat in a hotel room just thinking how badly he'd messed up by marrying someone so boring

He seems to think people, even with young children are out socialising every weekend and we're not and the children will suffer because of it

I would hazard a guess that he’s actually bored and is projecting it onto you.
He works, goes to football and then the pub. He’s hardly setting the world on fire is he?!

Well if he has such a great life, a great social life, amazing friends, tell him that’s wonderful and you can be included in that! He can sort out and pay for babysitters whilst you’re all out with the football lot….he can babysit 3/4 nights a week whilst you join a gym and enjoy a drink in the bar with the new friends you’ll meet there. You can inform him you’ll like to join a dance class together (insert other hobbies here) so you can meet new friends and socialise together in something new. Also tell him you’d like to work part time so you can have the energy for all this , plus he’d have to 50% of the school drop off and pick ups so you can get to new classes at your new gym to make new friends.

And I’m serious with all the above. Just do you can see how serious he is. Is he comparing you to the football wives? To another woman/crush? Are the football husbands all sit down the pub swapping notes or something??

What does he do in terms of childcare?
I'm wondering if he leaves the majority of it to you.

Oh good lord he's got the whole bingo card of 'reasons why I had to leave my dreadful, boring, frumpy wife' going on there. My exhusband did exactly the same 30 years ago. He started a shiny new job when our children were 3 and 2 and suddenly he needed new clothes for the ' dress down Fridays '. He started going to the pub with them after work. They were fun and exciting ( they got drunk and smoked and I'm asthmatic and was basically entirely responsible for our 2 children all the time so , in his eyes I was desperately dull because I wasnt interested in doing either). One of them had a boat so he started sailing with him and a couple of others ( they were divorced and child free so that added to the 'oh you poor thing your wife is so dull')He started an affair with a 17 year old from the cash office, left us and started the bingo card of midlife crisis man ...sports car, balding so always wore a cap or gelled his hair to create a solid nest over the bald patch, sexy flat in town, cowboy boots ( they were a real low point). I was dull, boring, physically repulsive, having sex with me was a chore. Why didn't I have nice clothes ? Well we're spending all the disposable income on Levis and boots so you can strut about at work . You have my absolute sympathy Op. It sounds as if he's creeping that way. You have a job abs slightly older children. See a solicitor and protect yourself. Make plans .

This 100%

What a truly disgusting piece of shit your H is - please consider your future here and do not tolerate this nonsense anymore. Unfortunately I agree with others, he has probably had his head turned and is lining up his excuses to leave.

Look after yourself and put yourself first xx

OP - everything else aside. Start taking out a bit of cash each week - or getting cashback on the shopping - get a little wedge of emergency cash and hide it somewhere (I unzipped the back of one of the sofas where the cover went on and kept it in there) and tell no-one.

If nothing bad happens, then you won't need it and it'll be fine. If something bad happens knowing you have a few hundred (I had 1k by the point I ended it - and a little go bag for me and the kids in case I just had to get out of the house for a couple of days) stashed for any kind of emergency can take the immediate worry out of the situation.

If it doesn't go tits up though, never tell him. My mum made the mistake of admitting to having an emergency fund and my dad didn't speak to her for weeks - he said he felt betrayed that she was keeping secrets (lets not mention the stuff he did over the years that a) led to the fund being necessary and b) did without telling mum until after)

I agree. He’s likely already shagging someone else and wants you to do the breaking up or he wants to.

Get rid of him - then you both win.

He's taking the piss going out all day every Saturday when you've got you g kids together, and he's trying to deflect that by claiming it's you being boring. Tell him you want every other Saturday to yourself so you can stop being boring.

He’s met someone else.

He's bored with himself and his life and trying to paper over the cracks with shallow, transient activities. He can't admit this so has cast around and found you as a reason for his discontent.

There is nothing wrong with you. He's just picked the wrong word to describe you. What he ought to have said is that you are 'responsible'.

Besides, boring is a relational adjective. Maybe he can't bring out the best in you and isn't even trying to do that.

This man is utterly disgusting and a vile abomination on you and your children. He is devaluing the work you do, in and out the house, that enables him to work shifts and have all the leisure time he wants.

He is rewriting history. I bet his head has been turned by someone 'exciting' ie, who isn't bogged down with work and children.

Stop enabling his leisure time, TELL him you'll be alternating weekends, and go and build a social life for yourself in any way possible. There are walking groups, running groups. or go to the gym, sit in a cafe with your book, reconnect with old friends, honestly just go and sit in cafe with your book or watch something on your tablet. For the price of a coffee and cake you can have a day out by yourself if there's no one available to hang out with. A social life and friendships are important for you so I hope you manage to do that, just for yourself.

Long-term, divorce the vile creature, he has nothing but contempt for all that you do for the family and him. Let him find out how exciting his life can be when he has the kids every other weekend and half the school holidays.

Well isn't he a twat.

Love how he is blaming you for everything.

I’m not sure he’s realised quite how boring he is? Moaning about his wife, swanning off all day for football on a weekend and unable to communicate in a respectful way. Honestly, who does he think he is? I imagine he is incredibly smart, witty, kind, playful and romantic. Or…maybe not? I think this is his internal projection that he is boring. And it looks like he is. I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is or how long he has been behaving with an apparently overinflated ego but if he can’t muster basic decency on how he communicates as a grown man then I think you should seriously consider your options.

I’ve been married 25 years and rarely have any of my husbands male friends had a wife I got in with.

We’ve got together with various couples over the years and I’ve made efforts but I’m not here to waste time with people that I’ve nothing in common with.

Do you realise you've married a total ass, and you should be planning your exit?

I hate to be so blunt because I know how painful this is, but speaking from experience it sounds like he is checking out and looking for a way to blame you. I wouldn't say you should just leave but I do think you should prepare yourself. It could be something fixable but he has to be willing to talk. My ex went like this and said some similar things but we had been together a long time and I really didn't think for 1 minute he would leave, but he did and it absolutely floored me.

I hope its fixable and I suggest you try, just don't let his next move take you by surprise

Well is he organising weekends out?

Is he organising things with other couples?

My husbands raised something similar years ago in a much kinder way. I explained to him I don't need a boat load of friends, never have. I have a few close friends. Never done couple friends. If he wanted people over or go out as a group then he needed to organise and facilitate it as my plate is full with work and kids.

The part I’m missing is that you can be very interesting and still have two kids and a full time job. Bored is a lack of something to do. Being boring is having nothing to talk about of any interest. Being social doesn't make someone interesting.

This completely

Call me cynical, but I think he's cheating - he's listing the other woman's 'qualities' and justifying to himself why he's done the right thing. I would ltb.

You are not boring, he’s an absolute gaslighting Twat.

He could have seen a woman he knows, and unrealistically compared you both; as this woman could have no responsibilities and be v social and ‘fun’. But realistically in a few years she could possibly meet some twatty guy and be bogged down in parenting and has to stay in, cause hubby is out with the mates constantly!

I can guarantee that if you started wanting to go out with friends more, and he had to step up and be home more with the kids at the weekend, he wouldn’t like it one bit! Hes an arse OP! He should be your biggest supporter, not criticising you all the time.

Oh no, he sounds horrible, what nasty things to say about you when you do so much for him and your children. Sounds like you were happy with the set up and he’s not. I would try and do more things for yourself and leave him with the children on a Saturday, see how he likes it. Make sure it’s something purely indulgent for you, spa alone or with friends, or nice hike somewhere or visit family etc. i hope your okay and hopefully he will apologise for what he has said.
Unfortunately my ex was similar luckily i figured that out before kids as knew I would just end up being a single parent.

Well he doesn't sound very supportive. Only you know him OP is this out of character or does he often come out with these 'gems'. What kind of father/husband is he in general?

I don't think I could ever forget he'd said that or forgive him. How awful he thinks so little of you when you're doing your best.