6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

I would advise not dithering. Most 6 yr olds will settle well if moved. But if you wait it’s much harder for them.

He's only six, you are the adults, you get to choose. Will he get over it? Well, who knows? Some DC are very adaptable and others are very stubborn, but six-year-olds aren't the best judge of what is best for them or the rest of the family. We moved house (from a crappy rental that had endless maintenance issues) to our own home (much nicer!) when our DS was six. He didn't want to move, stated that he would miss the curtains in his room (which were horrible!). He's now 18 and we laugh at how ridiculous he was being.

A 6 year old doesn’t need to be asked his opionion
He’s not a decision maker
You can involve him in exciting plans to move and manage his feelings which is a different thing
this age would be much easier than a teen and before secondary school

If it is best for your family you move now!
It would be much harder to move when he gets to high school age.
You are the adult, you make the decisions, this is too 'big' for a young child to understand and he may resent you in later life if you don't go!

Thank you guys. That's what I was thinking. It's difficult as we have a lovely life here where we are and I really don't know what to do. My parents would be the only reason to be honest but of course, that's a very important reason.

6 year olds do not get to make those sorts of decisions.

At 6 he doesn’t get a say, you tell him what is happening and support/ prepare him for it.

it fair enough he doesn’t want to move, it sounds like you also don’t to some extent. However, you have the ability to assess and determine its for the best, at his age he doesn’t.

He's six - you shouldn't have even asked him. It should have been a long discussion with your partner, then they can be told once it's final.

I wouldn't be letting a 6 year old dictate such a thing. It's entirely up to you

He's 6 , you don't ask him you tell him what's happening.

Are you planning a move that you don’t want? Moving for your parents feels a very bad idea to me.

He's 6

Of course it's going to be scary for him but he'll find new friends etc.

Better now than when he's older and disrupting his education

Im not sure how moving solely for your parents in a great idea?
How poorly are they? They might not be around for long, then you’ve uprooted everyone for no reason.
spending 3 months there is already a good compromise I feel

Are you the poster considering returning to Austria? Sorry if it is not you

I wouldn’t move JUST for my parents. There’d have to other compelling reasons.
You’re setting yourself up for resentment all round.

A six year old doesn't have the mental capacity to weight this decision. The adults need to decide what's best for everyone!

How old and well are your parents? If and when they pass, would you be looking to move back? Eg more disruption.

I think if you’re all happy here, you should stay. Moving purely for two people is a big risk when you have a child already settled and doing well. What if you’re not happy there?

At the risk of sounding harsh, your parents won't be around forever, and moving country is a huge decision. Take your child out of the equation. A six year old's opinion isn't part of the decision. He will adapt either way.

Consider where you want to be after your parents are gone. Would you move back at that point?

On the other hand, I can see many arguments in favour of being near your parents while they are still alive. How easy is it to visit them now? How many times a year do you visit?

I'm on the same country as mine and only visit 3-4 times a year. Moving closer to them would not suit me at all. But in an emergency I could be there in six hours.

A very tough choice. Good luck.

I moved to the UK when I was 7 and even though I was excited it was a brutal upheaval and took me a long time to adjust. The schools, the food, the weather, different language and social rules. I wanted to go back "home" for a while.

I think you shouldn't have asked his opinion about it and presented it as a given fact because now it looks like his opinion doesn't matter - but it's too late now.

I would also urge you to think carefully about whether you want to move there or feel obligated. What would happen if your mother suddenly died? Would you still move? I am sorry to be morbid but these are things that need to be considered.

Are there good job opportunities? Presumably you moved to the UK for a reason and you decided to have a child here and didn't move back when he was too little to have an opinion. It's important to ask yourself why.

Your employer allows you to work abroad for 3 months of the year, but would they allow a permanent move, or would they need to set up an office in that country and therefore it wouldn't be worth it for them?

I'm from much further afield than Austria, but don't want to be too outing apologies!

You don't ask his opinion

He's 6

Thank you, no I know that you are right. I am very torn- it is a lovely place but a bit boring and we have really made a wonderful life where we are in the UK- great friends and work, etc. I still have friends over there and enjoy going but I am always very happy returning to my "normal", everyday life.

Yeah, I don't really really want to- I'm sure we'd all adjust and have a lovely life there as well though. But we are settled here. I'd just feel so guilty not moving back!

It seems like there's more of an issue than asking a 6yo if you aren't even sure yourself if you want to move. Honestly I wouldn't move back just to be with your parents if you've built a life for yourself here.

What does your DH think?

It really does read that none of you actually want to move. I get that you would like to be nearer your parents, and of course they would like you nearer, but at what cost if you all resent it a few months in