6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

Thank you, that's exactly it, no idea why I'm being bashed by people for just wanting to hear my child's thoughts 😅I literally just wanted to know what their thoughts were and if they were excited by the prospect of it.

If you all wanted to move apart from your 6 year old then I would say move because at 6 it’s best to make the move now.
However only moving for your parents, with an introvert of a husband from a place you really love and have good friends/jobs I wouldn’t go.
Your parents won’t move to you as they love the sunshine and their house, but you feel guilty so think you should go there instead?!
As a parent I would feel awful if my children when grown thought they had to uproot themselves and possibly make themselves miserable for me. If your DH can’t find a job etc what will you do then?
I would stay put and try and up your visits and make sure they know they can spend time here if your Mums health allows.
One of my sons friends grandparents come to the UK for a few months every summer and then they make sure they visit Christmas/Easter which sounds like a better balance then reluctantly uprooting.

Moving to the other side of the world (I'm assuming Aus or NZ) out of guilt when you don't really want to sounds like complete madness to me. I can't imagine prioritising my parents over myself and my child.

I think you'd be completely mad to move when you're so happy here.

Oh my goodness of course I'm not letting him make the decision, I was lightheartedly asking him if he liked he idea and he said no! Is it really so terrible to ask your child's thoughts on something?

I am obviously not basing my decision on his answer, dear me

Thank you very much for your input!

(I don't know why everyone seems to think we would be moving to Australia, to be honest. We aren't😅)

This.

Whilst I 100% agree with those who say that this is the adults' decision to make, it sounds like nobody in the family actually wants to do this and that it might not work out very well at all.

You should do what's right for YOUR family, OP - not make what could be a terrible decision out of guilt.

If you got a call saying both your parents had been killed in a car crash today, would moving to your home country still be on your radar?

It doesn’t sound like this would be a good move for you, DH and DS, but would be for your parents and it’s a combination of guilt and feeling you should move back because you always planned for the uk to be temporary.

As others have said, 6 is a better age to move than later. You just need to be certain this is a good idea.

Thank you, that's a lovely reply and so thoughtful. Great idea about the visiting arrangements!

No, but the fact that you don’t seem to really want to go, or to see anything amiss with your current life, may mean you’re hearing his reluctance more loudly because it’s echoing your own?

I know a little girl whose family moved when she was 6 and she still says she misses and prefers the UK even now. Says she prefers school in the UK, the food, her old friends.

But she has settled ok and is doing better. It's hard for them so just be supportive as much as you can if you choose to go.

He's 6. I wouldn't let him decide what he has for breakfast let alone where the family lives!

Once again, I am obviously not letting my 6 year old make a decison about this, I was merely asking their opinion.

That's what I was thinking.
Op it doesn't sound like you really want to move. Only move if you really think it is for the best for your family's future.

I know a family who moved and within months of touch down the grandad passed away.

From your updates OP, it seems that deep down you don't really want to move back to your home country, but feel obligated. It's noble of you to consider the move, but is it the right decision for you all? If you're moving out of obligation, then you're not moving for the right reasons.

If your parents had already passed, my guess is that moving back to your country wouldn't have entered your head. What happens if you do move back to your country and your parents pass away? Would you want to stay there? Or would you want to move back to the UK?

You could potentially disrupt your son's life now but again in the future, if you decide you want to move back to the UK. The further up the school ladder you son climbs and the older he is, it will be much harder to simple move countries. What if you moved to your home country, you ended up staying until your son finished his education, and you decided you wanted to move back to the UK and he didn't?? You could be stuck living in a country, you don't want to live in!!

To move to another country, you have to want to do it. If you're doing it out of obligation, there's a huge possibility of none of you settling and being unhappy. I don't think you should move.

That your 6 year old doesn't want to go is one thing- he is very young, kids are very adaptable he would be fine and it was daft to ask him: what 6 year old is capable of making a decision like that?

What interests me more is your reasons for thinking about going.

"to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now"

If you don't really want to, your husband doesn't really want to, your child doesn't really want to... Why go? I bet your parents don't expect it of you- you seem nice and caring and pleasant which suggests your parents are probably lovely people too and unlikely to think you should give up a life you like in a place you love to care for them?

Oh that is so sad! To be honest, yes despite it being wonderful there, I think we are all happier over here... if my parents were no longer I'm unsure I'd stay there.

“A lovely place but boring”…New Zealand then? 😂

Thank you so much for your reply, you are very kind.

Yes, it is out of obligation to my parents. However also, because on paper it has a very high quality of life. I have for some reason always felt a little bit out of place there though and was much happier in the UK (I've got good friends there still, but some things are very oldfashioned and nobody ever moves).

So I sometimes think maybe it might be, for a few reasons, better for us in the long run if we did move. I don't know if that makes any sense really!

I think a 6 year olds opinion does matter, I don't think he should be the decision maker but his views should definitely be part of it.
If you and DH are happier living here, what makes you think it would be better for your DC to be there? I think it would be a mistake to move when none of you really want to.

OMG I so want to know what country you're from!

Staying simply based on a 6 year old’s opinion is a bad idea, but moving just based on a feeling of obligation towards ageing parents is perhaps a even worse idea.

(And I say this as someone who’s currently having to dig their heels about not moving back for that exact same reason)

If you move, you are changing the entire trajectory of your son’s life. You need to be sure that you are not creating any citizenship or work authorization issues for him once he is an adult.

You should not be thinking of this as a change you can just easily undo. The longer you are there, the harder it will get to move him again. Right now his life is malleable, but soon enough he will be making plans for his own future.

Are you saying you’d move back again should your parents die?

I think that two moves would be disruptive. I would think carefully about whether you want your child to grow to adulthood in this place and culture, whether you want his to grow up this nationality. Or whether this is a temporary move for a few years.

But on an individual level, it doesn't matter if on paper it has a very high quality of life if aspects of that life don't suit you and your family as well as somewhere else does. From what you write, it sounds like a lot of reasons to stay here and not that many reasons to move back – many of which are a bit 'well, it should be better eventually, look at the statistics' or 'I feel I ought to' rather than actual convictions about things that will better suit your family.

On moving children, I moved multiple times as a child. I never had any trouble settling into a new house, different surroundings, different school system, etc., but friendship groups were varied. Sometimes I quickly found a new group of friends, sometimes it was hard – sometimes for years, especially in primary school where it's a relatively small pool of possible friendships. If you're struggling for good friends at school Monday-Friday, friends at your weekly football club don't entirely make up for it.

Maybe because I didn't have a good relationship with my parents
But I would never of put my parents needs above my childrens
Or my own in fact
So in your shoes no I would definitely ot be moving
If your parents need your help and care ,they knows where you are and are grown adults able to decide to move near you if they feel they they need you