6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

You are the adult. Kids that age cannot make informed decisions. They are just not old enough to be competent.

I'd not be moving.

Your dh is an introvert with a job that enables work from home and family time.

Your ds has friends, a nice school, and interest and possibilities in stem learning, etc.

It seems a no brainer to stay put.

I'd just look at if you can visit home country more often, and can they visit you etc.

6 year olds don’t get a say. 👍

You are the adult .

Do it whilst he is young and adaptable.

I wish I had rather than stuck it out until kids finished schooling at 18.

I don’t think a 6 year old should get a say. He’s still young g enough to settle in a new place. It would be harder when he’s older.

I do think you should be very certain before making a big move. You don’t really want to be changing your mind and moving back.

Where would you be moving from and to?

Is it possible that you’re using your six year old as an excuse because you don’t want to go deep down?

He's 6, it's not up to him if you move or not. Having said that, I wouldn't move somewhere that I didn't believe to be in my child's best interests in order to support my parents.

This.

We waited till decision was made before telling the kids - because we didn't want them to be worried about something that may not happen at all.

Once made they weren't going to get a veto - so it was about us preparing them and making it sound exciting so we didn't pretend that they would.

This seems to be the OP feeling obligated to do this move - but it also comes across and it's an entirely self made obligation and she trying to convience herself it will all be fine - likely will be but if she only one pushing it though and because she feels guilt so if more likely when bumps hit that's a hell of a burden.

Six year old are great but they aren't known for their long term planning or insight into oppounties in different countires they often tend to like the known and safe. This is an entirely adult decision and then it's helping the child to deal with the implications of the decision.

I wouldn’t underestimate how much this could impact your son. We moved when ours was 7yrs old, away from his 2 best friends, it took a very long time for him to settle and I still feel guilt about the impact it had on him 10 years later. I don’t get people saying he doesn’t get to have an opinion, why not? He’s a person with very valid opinions. Of course the final decision is yours and you need to weigh things up but I think it’s pretty sad how many people feel his opinion should count for nothing.
It doesnt sound like you really want to move, I worry you would really end up regretting it.
Having his Dad at home more counts for a lot and sounds like there would be much less family time if you move. Is it really worth giving that up just for your parents?

I was that chid at the age of 7. My family moved half way around the world to my dad's country. Like a pp, I had a really hard time, was bullied (because of my accent and general 'foreign-ness') and it took me a long time to settle in. I was super homesick. I used to go to bed and hope that when I woke up I was back home. What didn't help was that my mum also hated our new situation for quite a while and bad-mouthed the country and our move (she is from another country all together so yeah, that was all a bit confusing).

The plus side was, I got to grow up with all my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and that was pretty special and we are still all really close now (well, the grandparents are dead, but....)

Anyway, if you do do it, don't be like my mum, all doom and gloom. Good vibes and positive energy for your kid!

I moved my son across the country at 7, so obviously not to say scale as your potential move, but my advice would be stop talking to him about the move. Change is stressful for children and he doesn't need to be stressed out unnecessarily. It's much too early to be having these discussions with him. About a month before the move you can start reading books about moving, use google maps to look at his new school building, look up fun places in the new local area you can check out and maybe plan a good bye party with his friends.

But for now stop talking about it infront of him and let him live his normal routine.

Don't ask a 6 year old for an opinion. Children who are that young get adjusted pretty fast. And if it's a country with an outdoor culture and great weather it'll actually be better for him.

To add, my son settled fantastically once we moved. Within a month he was in a new routine and settled with the decision to move.

Can your parents move to be near you? I haven't read the whole thread, sorry

It’s fine, children don’t ever really want to move
i never did and we moved countless times (lived in 6 places before I was 16, went to 3 primary schools and 3 secondary)

There is a reason why 6 year olds cannot make decisions .
if you think his day to day quality of life is better elsewhere go for it .
Moving is hard but done early is much easier .
whereabouts do you want to move too op ?

YABU for even asking the question.

A six year old isn't capable of making long term decisions of that magnitude.

If you move he will settle and the new place will become home. He then won't want to move back.

The adults have to decide.

I don’t get people saying he doesn’t get to have an opinion, why not? He’s a person with very valid opinions. Of course the final decision is yours and you need to weigh things up but I think it’s pretty sad how many people feel his opinion should count for nothing.

He's six - a child. I'm not saying he should not have an opinion. I'm saying he shouldn't be misled into think his opinion is going to sway the adult decision making process.

It's too much to put on a young child and if he say no and they move it's hardly great for him feeling in control or being postive about the move.

I also think parents should actually parent and sometime that does mean making decision kids aren't happy about because the adults hopefully are considering everything not just the short term. Older kids are more capcity they have to do same but 6 - that's way to young to really understand implications and opportunties.

Also the OP seems to be hiding behind the six year old being not being keen when she clearly not keen herself - I think she need to hear it's okay for her to say no if she's not keen.

I totally agree with the posters who say that a six year old is too young to have major in put in your decision and will adapt if moving is what you chose to do. However added to the fact that you and DH don't actually want to move, not moving seems sensible!

It's got to be Australia

It isn't but the country I'm from is very small and I don't want it to be outing as I hardly ever meet anyone from my home country in the UK 😅

Not a decision for a six year old to make, or even have input into imo

To everyone, thank you all so much for your input..I've clearly been thinking too much about this and can't see the woods for the trees anymore.

Really grateful for all your perspectives. I'm taking it all in and doing a lot of thinking.

My DH moved schools when he was 5/6, so modern Y1. He hated it and was miserable. He made no friends and sat on his own in the playground. That was over 50 years ago. MIL says she still regrets it. They moved back 18 months later. DH was adamant that we would never move our DC from their schools unless absolutely necessary eg redundancy and new job.

There is no way I would make this move, OP.

Isn't your child more important than your parents?

I agree with pp's who said 3 months is already a good compromise.

However, it is your decision and your 6 year old doesn't get a say. A 16 year old would.