6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

My dh moved not country's just primary school when he was 8. He still talks about it now at 36. he feels it had a huge effect on his teenage years. Went from being popular and outgoing to struggling to make friends as a result became shy and withdrawn for most of his teens years. He has turned into a happy amazing adult but he talks about that time with such sadness. We promised to never do that to our dc. 6 is younger of course and children are robust but don't rule out how difficult it would be for him

However small it is, I am sure there other people from there on MN! Malta. Though I would have thought that was near enough to visit more frequently.

I can understand this is a difficult decision, but please don't let a 6 year old dictate your life decisions.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. My parents made me move without consulting me and I hated them for it. I also believe it altered my life trajectory. I’m happy as an adult and have made my peace with it but now I’m a parent, I do sometimes wonder why they put me through it. I would never even consider doing it to my child unless it was completely unavoidable.
The people saying you shouldn’t even consult him are so wrong. It’s heartless. Children are people too.

He’s 6. He does not dictate adult decisions.

You are obviously very unreasonable to take into account a 6 year old’s opinion or even to have asked him. Can’t you just keep visiting? My parents travelled twice annually to the other side of the world to visit grandchildren, for years. The grandchildren were already at school in the UK but had to go back when they arrived in the new country so we’re doing reception style work having already been through that year. I don’t think it sounds very fair on your DH either.

At six you should explain why you will move and understand what you can do to make it easier on DCs. However, you are the adults and at this age you have to decide what is best.

Just to counteract some of the stories above, we moved when I was a child and it was absolutely fine. I settled quickly at my new school and was happy there. It’s not the case that moving is always horrific for a child.
I still don’t think you should move though, because you don’t actually want to!

I was moved from one end of the country to the other when I was 7. It took me 6 years to recover socially and emotionally.

Only do it if you’re certain. And the younger you move the better.

When you say it might be for the best, you're really only thinking it would be best for your parents. All the other bits and pieces you've mentioned are you trying to convince yourself that there might be something there for your family, but really you know you're stretching. Your life is here, DH has a good job that suits family life, you have good friends, you love where you live.

I think you'd be mad to give all that up out of guilt. You see them for a quarter of the year, you can do everything to support them while you're there until you next visit.

The most telling part of your posts for me is that you said after you've been visiting you look forward to coming back home here to the life you've built as a family. That should tell you everything you need to know.

You really don't sound like you want to move, so I wouldn't. You already spend a lot of time over there so have a lot of time with your parents.

I think your 6yo is not the issue. They can't know whether they would like it or not. What makes a massive difference is if his parents are happy. We moved an hour away when I was 9 and it was very difficult, but that was because my parents were unhappy and took ages to settle there (forced to move for work in the 1980s recession). It was an unhappy time for the whole family. Think carefully about whether you can build a happy life there for all of you.

Oh goodness me that sounds so tough. Did you find to difficult finding friends? Hope you are doing well now.
That's what I'm afraid about as well which is one reason why I'm dithering!

I think you probably hit the nail on the head here! Seeing it laid out like this makes lots of sense...

Oh no, see this is what I'm afraid of....

Op that says stay here.
You go say they last 10 years your DS would be 16, that is not a time to be moving kids around.
Or he might decide he doesn't want to leave.

I think you need to do whats right for the long term future rather than your parents.

Yabu to move because you don't want to move.

Do your parents actually want you to move?

I have the strong sense that you’re projecting your own ambivalence onto your DC.

They say it's not necessary but of course they're just being nice!

@neeedingsomesunshine why ‘of course they’re just being nice’ ?? They very probably DO mean they don’t want you to disrupt your and dh’s life and employment, your dc’s school and friends. It’s tooo selfish to want or expect a settled family to uproot everything to come and look after parents, especially if your dh will struggle for work and friends. It’s also pretty awful to expect your dh to move under these circumstances. I’d feel very resentful if I was asked to up sticks, leave my great job/home/friends/area to move countries to care for my in-laws just because my spouse felt they ought to.

Also, imagine if you did move and he was really unhappy - surely your parents would then feel horribly guilty in that scenario? Obviously, they shouldn't feel guilty, but I imagine I would in that scenario.

That's true I suppose. I feel that I've really failed my parents by not being nearer though....

decisions made out of guilt are not usually good ones

Why? Why do you feel obligated to be near them? They chose to birth you. They don’t get to choose what you do with your life.

Think about why you did uni in the UK?

was it because there were more opportunities here? If so don’t you want that for your son who is interested in STEM

Your not failing your parents by living your life - they are choosing to stay where there is sun and that is on them