6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

Move !
we moved from the UK with my 9y 5y and 4m old last year. When initially told we were moving they weren’t keen. It’s a big change from all they know.
fast forward a year and the children have settled so well and are thriving!
good luck

My DH is lovely and supportive and says as long as he finds a job he would be willing to give it a try. The problem is, he's much more introvert than I am and I do worry that he'll have a hard time finding friends etc. Also it's difficult to find a job- no such luck yet.

We moved from England to Wales when I was 7.

I had a large group of friends in my previous school, was outgoing, chatty. That changed massively when we moved. I never really managed to find "my people" again in my new school, it took until sixth form, so 9ish years. I became much more introverted as a result.

Obviously I can't say life would have been better if we hadn't moved, as noone knows that, but moving definitely had a massive impact on me.

If your son is happy and settled where he is, I'd put some significant thought into whether moving is something you really need to do.

You're right- I really shouldn't have. I suppose I was testing the waters! I won't bring it up again and only tell him if we were to actually move.

I don’t think your son not wanting to go is the biggest issue.
You don’t really want to move and the decision is solely based on your mum and her health.
I know all families are different but I think making such a huge decision just for her is really risky and would she want you to?
I just don’t think it’s a great reason to disrupt everyone’s lives.
Is there anyone else to support your mum?
If not would she move to you?
Sorry to be blunt but what happens when your mum dies? Would you come back or would you feel you’d be there for good once you move?
What are work prospects like there?

Oh I am sorry, that sounds very hard! That's exactly what I mean and what I am afraid of. He has such a lovely group of friends, the school is warm and supportive, it feels like a huge risk to me to take him out. As you say, it is hard to predict what would have been if...I hope you are happy now in adulthood.

Maybe I just need to try and visit more- we spend most of the summer there and most half terms.

I'm not a different country, but several counties away.

DH and I have spoken about moving to be nearer them regularly, but the fact is that the only reason we'd move would be for them, and there are a lot of reasons to stay where we are.

Lifestyle could be good with them, but it wouldn't be a massive improvement so if not for them, we wouldn't even consider moving there.

You need to ask yourself how important it is that you're near them and weigh it against how important the rest of your life is. Then make the decision.

At 6, a child doesn't get a choice, they go where is best for them. But make sure it is best for them.

Speaking as someone who moved schools constantly from the age of 9 to 15, including moving countries, counties and different education authorities (years ago mind) I was determined that my children stayed in the same school, with the same school friends as much as possible. Come the finish, I had to take the youngest out and move them to a local village school due to bullying issues and crap teaching at their then primary. That was when they were 6, and they kept friends from both schools into adulthood.

I was moved overseas at a young age, and back again as a teenager, would I recommend it? Difficult one, as I loved where we moved to and didn't want to come "home" but I had no choice. It disrupted my education big time, but I got to live in a fab country, and I treasure those memories. Hard decision.

It sounds like you don’t really want to go either. You don’t need to feel guilty about staying. It’s one thing to feel you should be close to your parents, it’ entirely another to actually uproot your family’s life and go back to a place you chose to move from. Your 6 year old will be fine wherever you are fine. But to move countries, both adults have to be fully up for it.

Why did you even ask?

To be honest, it was kind of an accidential move for me. I did a year at Uni here (exchange student), loved it, found DH, made a life here. We always planned on going back but it's as if the universe keeps us here... It's so hard to find a job where I am from (it's a high income country but lots of places are remote and academic jobs can be hard to come by), etc etc.

I would think carefully about your reaction to your son's reaction.

If you were really confident in your decision you would probably have asked a different question more along the lines of how do I persuade him that it is the right thing to do.

You are questioning whether it is the right thing I would pull on that thread a bit more and see where it takes you before making the move and once you have decided you need to sell the positives of the move to your son. If you feel unsure about the move he's going to feel unsure about the move

I think you probably need to worry less about your six year old’s reaction and more about whether moving will really make sense for your family, most of all whether your husband can actually get a job an what that looks like. Better not to put the cart before the horse - if you really plan to move, get it all set up and fully reconcile yourselves to it and then tell, not ask, your six year old, focusing on the positive reasons you have chosen to move. You’ll find that doing the research for the move - schools, where you would live and what activities you’d do, what your husband will do, will clarify whether you both actually want to move. We were offered a move with my husband’s work a couple of years ago in, on paper, somewhere idyllic, but it became clear that the reality would be that I would be looking after the kids and he would have seen them quite a lot less than in the U.K. and that wasn’t worth it for us - it would have been worth it for some people though for the sunshine and other elements of the lifestyle. There are always trade offs and you need to work out what those are.

Could your parents move here?

Stay where you are. You are all happy here. Parents should not expect their children to uproot their lives to care for them.

Don't worry, I'm very happy as an adult. Got a lovely wife and child, a good group of friends, a good job, I'm satisfied with my lot in life and I like who I am.

And it's not like I was a loner in school after we moved, I had a group of friends. But I was very much on the fringes of that group, the hanger on rather than one of the core group. I didn't feel like I found a group I was really a part of until I was 16.

I do think it's had an affect on me to this day. I'm quite quiet. I take my time and consider pretty much everything I say before I say it. And I don't remember being like that before we moved. Obviously I was only 7, but I remember feeling in my element, and then never quite feeling like that ever again after the move, always slightly wrong footed.

I would absolutely love that, but they would never do this (used to their sunshine and have a great house where they are)!

YABU. Giving a 6 year old this level of say and influence is crazy too. Woman up, OP! 💪

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. Yes, this is what I mean- my DS is so confident now, and seems so settled, he's also really good at STEM and the provision for this is much better in the UK.

Also if we moved abroad, even if my DH was to find suitable work, there would always be a commute whereas now, he works from home and we have lots of family time.

I know, I know. Not sure what I was thinking to be honest!

Would your child have to learn another language.
Have you had an involved conversation with your child, or just casually said “how’d you like to go live next-door to DGM & DGF?”.

He speaks the language pretty fluently as we spend quite a bit of time there, and I buy him books in that language as well.

I did list a few good points but he was having none of it, as pp said though, I think I was a bit silly to ask him this.

What you do is take responsibility as an adult for making the decision and don’t put it on the shoulders of your 6 year old.

Don’t change plans due to a 6 yo opinion.

tbh it sounds like you want to use his opinion as a reason not go because you don’t want to.

what is best for you, your husband, and child?- your responsibilities are to them fist

if your mum needs help, could she move to you?

Because I was wondering if he'd like to see his grandparents more often? And if he would like an adventure living somewhere else?