6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

You obviously want to take care of your parents OP, but it has to work for all of you. You don't sound very keen to move yourself, and neither do your parents want to move here. Is there some middle ground, eg arranging extra household or caring help for them, keeping in touch closely online, and continuing the 3 month per year visit?
FWIW, I think it was a good idea to ask DS whether he'd like to move, so long as you let it drop now until a decision has been made. If you do decide to move, you'll be able to support him much better now that you know his initial reaction.

Think how your love for your DS means you don't want him to give up the nice things in his life, how it's making you feel (and he's only six).

Your parents love you the same way, they would want you to keep the lovely life you've established over their needs/wants. If they don't, then you definitely shouldn't move!

Knowing your kids are happy and settled with friends, community and job security is already a gift for them, you see them a lot, it's time to stop feeling guilty.

Honestly, a few sessions with a therapist would be well worth it to help you reset your thought patterns and stop feeling this guilt.

There is zero reason to move except guilt and they is YOUR problem, not your husband or son's problem.

You think you may have a better quality of life but you had jobs you like, your son has a school he likes and you all have good friends and relationships. What "better quality" of life would it offer? A bigger house and garden? I'd rather live in a small property with great friends around, a good job and a child who likes school than live in a big house which might not have those

Once again thank you all so much for your replies. I've read each and every one of them, though I won't be able to get back to each of those! Have a lovely weekend and thank you for taking the time to reply - got a lot to think about.

At 6 you dont ask them about decisions of that magnitude, you tell them.

I think it's inappropriate to include them in such an adult decision. You give them choices like chicken or fish. Kids will always pick familiarity and comfort

It sounds like none of you want to go and youre using his no as an excuse.

You’d be mad to give up a life you love for the unknown. IMO!

You're the parents and decide what is best for you as a family. At 6 they adapt very quickly in general. Xx

Don’t do it. Don’t move your lives and your child if you don’t want to. Most parents wouldn’t want that. Work out how you can support them in ways that don’t turn your lives upside down.

He doesn’t know what’s good for him, and will settle quite quickly, not good to let a six year old to dictate on such important decisions anyway.

I didn't want to leave Scotland as a 6 year old but, guess what? My parents were in charge... Children are given too much agency now, in my opinion.

I don't have direct experience of this, but I imagine any child doesn't want massive change. If you move there it might turn out to be the best thing or it could be disastrous. Without doing it, there is no way of knowing.

Well my DNephew at age 6 didn’t want to move half way across London but he had to. From a flat to a house.

I won’t lie and say it’s been easy but his old best friends at his old school he sees one sometimes but not the other, they fell out. He’s still not entirely happy with the new house but he can moan a bit.

I’d just go ahead with your plans.

I moved primary schools at age 8 for a year and hated it much preferred moving back to my old school and friends. My DB on the hand was fine. At the school we first moved to.

It's important but if it's the only reason it's not enough to upright your whole life when you love where you are.

These are adult decisions and 6 year olds don't get a say. Adult needs don't trump children's wants.

A 6 year old child cant make a life decision like this?!? They have no life experience to date. Bonkers that you've asked them.

I think I stated a hundred times now that my child is obviously not making this decision. It was a light - hearted "How would you like to live near grandma and grandad" kind of thing.

I'm not going to go into this again but thank you everyone for posting.

We moved countries when Dd was 8 she didn't get a vote. She knew we were moving and why wasn't too keen (also elderly parent who needed us there) She settled well and is doing just fine, has nice friends and is at Uni.

I moved countries aged 5 and apparently absolutely hated England when we first moved here, but I can’t remember that at all! In my mind I really liked my new friends and loved having my new pet. So yes move him if you think it will be a better life for you, or better for the family now.

We moved our children aged 4 and 6, and they settled pretty much instantly (although it was within the same country, and there were obvious big advantages to them of moving, as we moved to family farm right beside the sea).

Pretty sure they speak English in Oz.

If your parents are the only reason, what happens when they die?

Six year olds will understand the moving and all it causes. I wouldn’t move from a nice life here to one I don’t know about.

Well if that’s the case, why did you post on here in the first place then ?

Because as with a lot of posts here - the asking of the child wasn’t the real issue but op wasn’t ready to face her real thoughts yet so has needed help working it out

If your parents are the only reason then I absolutely wouldn’t move. And knowing that, and what a lovely life you all have now, surely they wouldn’t let you anyway?!

If you are very happy with the life you have where you are , I wouldn’t consider moving in a million years .
You spend 3 months per year with your family OP .
As another pp has said that is a good compromise..