6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

The asking your DS is a red herring really… deep down I don’t think you want to go!

Why leave a life you love ?! You spend most breaks there and 3 months a year that’s already a lot - you probably see them more in this arrangement than if you moved as if you moved you will have working, commuting, sporting events birthday parties etc etc to factor into everyday life.

What happens if you move then you or your DH don’t like it and then once your parents pass but your now teen son doesn’t want to move back?

You need to think long term about all the scenarios- uprooting your happy life for a poorly mother who won’t move to you sounds madness to me.

@neeedingsomesunshine if you would move back once your parents had died, it seems wrong to uproot yourself and your family to move now. As a parent I would feel very guilty if my dc did that for me. If your parents won’t move for you, there can be no pressure for you to move for them. Why can’t you continue as you are? Misplaced guilt? What if you moved, and then your dh and dc didn’t settle, how about that guilt? Would resentment creep in - because resentment is worse than guilt, and more damaging to relationships….

Of course it is. Now he said "no" and you will do it regardless. How do you think he'll feel?

This. I have been through the poorly elderly parents thing twice now (distance not so great as yours) and the conclusion we came to (and I still feel we were right) is that its not a good reason to move especially with the employment thing.

Nor should ill parents. That's the only reason they are going back.

They should put their own family first. Doesn't sound as if they want to move any more than their son does.

Erm she doesnt want to go either.

Maybe I'm selfish but my parents always said that they brought me up to have a life and I shouldn't make decisions around them, so on thst basis I wouldn't even consider moving my child to another country to support my parents.

Not because i dont love them but because there is zero pressure or obligation and as much as I would be desperate to help them, my head knows that my DC doesn't deserve to have their lives uprooted when acceptable alternative care is available (even if it isn't your/their first choice).

I would personally never want my child to plan their life around me. Like my parents, I firmly believe that I gave them life to live and would hate them to plan around me. I want to watch their journey.

I moved 5 times in my childhood, not just houses but countries. You child will be absolutely fine and it has plus points and minus points. And to be honest, as nice as it is to consider the wishes of a 6 year old, it shouldn't be what you make your plans on. Children are adaptable.

However, sounds like you all love it where you are....

Our youngest was 6 when we moved.

It was presented as something that was happening because it was decision was made before the kids were aware. It took ages to sell the house and years of DH working away in week so long time working towards it. It probably helped having older siblings and as we had to decouple buying and selling a long summer with family - which was nightmare for me and DH but kids enjoyed. They started new school very quickly and it all went smoother than we expected bar actually getting our stuff here.

However we got stuck in previous place - a good on paper option and it was a job Dh only had two years before being made redundant. Made huge effort to fit in and make most of it - but terrible neighbour and unfriendly location it was a huge reflief to be gone - worst place I've ever lived - though I have happy memories of the kids childhood there though even oldest remembers little of it. Prior to living there I'd have said we'd have been happy anywhere - we lived in various locations before and it was always good.

If you are all happy where you are I'd really think if you actaully want the upset of a move just to make other family members happier.

PP presumed Oz or NZ because OP mentioned distance, sunshine, outdoors life but if it's another language then no. We're all curious!
Seems to me life is good for you where you are so don't move. Have your parents actually suggested you move back? Was your long term plan to head home anyway? Maybe more frequent but less lengthy trips might work better than one extended visit and start looking at local support systems for your folks.

I would not swap my child’s future happiness in a great place you all love for somewhere boring that you don’t want to be. Your parents won’t be around forever. Can you move them to this country?

If you want to stay and your son is happy, you should stay. You shouldn't put your parents' care needs above your own family IMO.

I wouldn’t mine because you don’t want to move.

So you don’t want to move. You think your husband won’t make friends. Your child doesn’t want to move. Your husband’s family presumably live in the UK. You and your husband have jobs you like. You both have friends. Your son is happy at school.

If I was one of your parents I’d feel very uncomfortable about you moving back just for me, when there were so many good reasons to stay where you are.

Can you put some items in storage and rent your home out, then move for a fixed trial period, say 2 years?

In that time, help set your parents up for the future. Are they living in a home where they can safely age in place? Do any modifications need to be made? Is it close to transport and services if one of them had to go into aged care and the other couldn't drive etc.

If you could really help them out for a fixed period of time, it gives you a lot more options. After two years, if you're all loving it, then maybe sell up in the UK. If you're hating it and wanting to go home, you can do so, but knowing that your parents are as well set up as possible for aging where they are.

So why didn't you read the part where no one wants to move before posting your shouting block capital rant...?

Ended up giving inappropriate advice because you couldnt be arsed to read the context.

I have some experience. Because we were aid and development workers we moved our children fairly regularly. They accepted it was our way of life, but did not like it. In our final move, the younger one (aged 8 or 9) absolutely seethed with resentment for a long time. I would say it has permanently affected them, in both positive and negative ways. You never know how a child will handle that life until you're living it.

Your family of you, Dh and your child come first. If your parents weren't in that country any more you would probably not stay. Your life is here, friends, jobs, school.

I would stay here. Plans come with plot twists and yours was a year here as a student which turned into a life here. As much as you planned to move back that hasn't happened. I understand feeling obligated to your parents. I moved a distance away from mine, not another country and my Mum was fully supportive because I had to live my life, just like she lived hers when she moved 30 minutes away from her own Mum.

Indeed!

You shouldn’t have asked his opinion, really, he doesn’t get a vote.
But since you have, I’ll bet he’s picking up on some of your own ambivalence. He must be very confused.

I can understand why you asked OP, however, I would imagine that almost all kids are going to say 'no' to the suggestion of leaving all their mates and moving abroad (even if it's a place they are familiar with). I am not saying it's a good idea to move but I wouldn't allow the fact your Son is not keen to sway you too much.

I would be more concerned about the fact that you don't want to go. I say this as someone who currently lives somewhere she doesn't want to for the benefit of her Mother 😂However, in my case, I am 2 hours on a train away from where I would ideally want to be, not the other side of the world.

What matters is whether you and your OH really want to move - doesn't sound that way.

My husband is retired now but both him and his brother are still really unhappy about a move away from friends at 7 to a place not that far away but with few friends. They still talk about it and his dad has said now it was a mistake.

So if the DS knows his own mind, he might have a point.

As someone looking after elderly parents, get them support, maybe live closer or sort work to be flexible but moving to support them as the main reason for the move isn't always the best idea.