6 year old doesn't want to move- but it might be for the best?

[neeedingsomesunshine]

Me and DH are thinking of moving to my family's home country (to help with my mum who's a bit poorly, and generally because we would like to be nearer them, not really because we want to. We love it where we are right now).

It's on paper a lovely country, very outdoorsey, better weather, my son spends lots of time there. We brought up the idea of moving there permanently (at the moment we spend about 3 months a year there- long story, I can make it work with work). However he hated the idea- he made it clear that he likes to visit but absolutely doesn't want to move there. He loves his school and has many friends so I do feel terrible taking him away from this. However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

AIBU- stay for your son's sake
YANBU- move now

To be honest it doesn't sound like the best move for your husband or you, never mind the 6 year old. It is hard to be away as your parents age but I'm not hearing much of any sort of benefit to your family other than more sunshine.

Your husband is a keeper just for offering to do it. Given he can work remotely, I'd just up the amount of time you can spend with your parents and have the best of both worlds for as long as you can. Worth remember that the older your son also gets, the easier it is for you to down tools and go solo visiting with your husband holding the fort at home.

In our house, 6 year-olds don’t get a vote in these big decisions.

You don't ask him, you tell him.

We moved when I was 7. I wasn't given a choice or opinion. My parents made sure we knew what was going on, and I remember lots of boxes and the removal lorry. We stayed with my mum's friend Diane while they unpacked at the new house, and we were taken there later that evening.

35 very happy years followed.

Wishing you luck. 🍀

6yos can’t make major life decisions, especially not when they affect the whole family. They don’t have the capacity and it’s not fair to give them the responsibility. The grown ups make the decisions and then work out how to make it work for everyone else.

Some children don’t settle well after a move. Only you know whether your DS is adaptable enough to cope with a new school etc.

One of my relatives moved abroad to a country they had often visited. One of their DC became so stressed that their hair fell out, they stopped eating and refused to leave the house. The family moved back here within a year and their DC took several years to recover.

He’s only 6. This is your decision and he will adjust and get over it. Better to do it at this than when older

Oh gosh really!! The poor kid- what a shock. I bet the parents felt terrible, but I'm sure they did their best!

At 6, I wouldn’t be asking their opinion.

None of you really want to go and you sound to have a very happy and settled life here.

Your parents, presumably, have more flexibility to move but don’t want to either. If they don’t want to give up their home to be closer to you, why would you give up your home, husband’s job and your settled life, to live closer to them?

I love my mum dearly and she would love to see more of me, but I’m not uprooting my life and that of my children, when she only has herself to consider and still won’t do it to live closer to us!

if you are really giving him the choice - then your answer is clear : don’t go, he doesn’t want to.

If you aren’t giving him a right of veto why on EARTH would you consult a 6 year old on such an important decision? he’s told you he doesn’t want to go and he is now going to resent you and the move if you overrule him.

On the one hand I think having an opportunity to live in another country is a great thing for kids, and 6 is actually a good age to move.
It gives them more than one perspective on life, helps them to see the world as our neighbours, gives them chances to do things they might not do at home.
On the other hand, moving country is a huge thing for a kid, and in some ways things are never the same again.

I work with families who move to and from the UK. It is a big thing to do. And in your case, your son is already getting many of the benefits of this life by spending 3 months a year in another country and already speaking 2 languages.

The thing that stands out to me though is that you are thinking of moving out of guilt. That isn't a great reason to move, and it isn't a great reason to uproot everyone. How well does your dh speak the language? Can he get a job at his level in this language?
If you moved and it was for 5 years, could you move back into similar jobs in UK, or will you have burnt all your boats?
If you don't wnat to, then the answer should really be, then don't move.

My family did a lot of moving when I was a child. Us kids were never consulted on whether or not we liked the idea of a move, we were just told that we were moving. Adults make the decisions, you only complicated this by trying to get his approval for the idea.

We all did fine and nobody's hair fell out.

Or maybe you didn't want the responsibility of making a decision for your child? You put a weight on his shoulders that should be on yours.

(I decided to divorce and move countries with DC 6 and 9. The responsibility for the decision was mine. I'm the adult)

You shouldn’t give your 6 year old a choice like that really, it’s too big a decision for them to make.

But I voted YABU as you’ve said you don’t want to move, your DH is willing to ‘give it a try’ if he can’t find a job, which he can’t and even if he does it wont work as well for your family as his job does now. So very clearly you’d only be moving out of guilt, rather than choice.

He's 6. He doesn't get a say.
Kids adapt.

At 6, you make the decisions, and he will adapt fine.

I think your bigger issue might be if you want to move back when he is a teenager. At that point, the new country may feel very much his home, and a move would be much more disruptive to his education. If you return to the UK, he may only come temporarily, and/or may opt for uni in the other country. So do think carefully about whether this is the right decision in the long run.

It sounds as if you have a fairly good set-up that enables you to spend a fair amount of time visiting your family. Is there enough flexibility to allow you to choose when to go over if there are times when help is particularly needed (eg post-operative care)?

(DD's friend moved back to her parents' home country when she was 10, to be near grandparents. She settled okay, but pushed to come back to the UK for A-levels and university - she's been living independently here since she was 18. Her siblings seem happy to stay where they are - but they were younger when they left the UK.)

My parents emigrated when my brother was that age. He adapted well.

The only problem is a larger problem with emigration and that is if you change your minds years down the line and he is settled and old enough to decide.

My parents decision to emigrate has left our family spread across the world.

Your six years old doesn't get to dictate this situation.

Do what you want, not what you feel you should do. We moved back to our home country when DS was 7 and it was difficult for him for a long time — but DH and I both wanted to go back, weren’t happy with where we were living, knew it would be a better place for him to grow up. It wasn’t just because of our parents. And we will stay here till DS has left home.

However, my question is - how much do children this age actually understand this? Is it really possible he's so settled already that he doesn't want to leave? Any experiences with this?

My parents took me half way across the world at much this age (|I'd been at school since I was 4). I never quite recovered, and moved back home as soon as I could.

I knew exactly what had happened. I used to fantasise that migration was just a dream, and when I woke up, I'd be at home, and with my friends again. I was bullied throughout school.

If it's Australia, don't be fooled into thinking the place is just England with sunshine.

Do you have any siblings that live close to your parents OP? It’s a very big thing that you are able to go there for 3 months of the year already, that’s a quarter of the year you are already there. I only ask as I wonder if there really isn’t anyone else who could be helping your parents for the rest of the year?

I don’t get people saying that you asked your 6 year old to decide, the OP didn’t ask them to decide, it came up in conversation and their 6yo doesn’t like the idea.

@neeedingsomesunshinegive 6 year old DS some time, I find with my 5 year old sometimes they just need a little time to get their head around things like this. I personally would care what my child wants and would take it into consideration, even if he is 6.

The single biggest factor in a child’s wellbeing is maternal happiness. If you don’t want to move, it will be a bad move for your child (not to mention you).

I think there is a lot to consider here and I don't agree with PPs that the views of your child shouldn't be considered. Of course they should be. That doesn't mean he gets to decide but his views should be considered.
Will you both be able to work over there? What is the education system like, will your son be able to fit easily into it? Are there any language barriers?
You are happy and settled here will you be able to have as good a lifestyle there?
I understand why you feel you should move but do you want to? What does your husband really think?
I'm not saying you shouldn't go just that you need to weigh up all the pros and cons for your family.

Never mind the 6 year old, it sounds like you don't really want to go either, in which case I'm not sure I'd do it.