To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

Why is your dh unimpressed?

Why would seeing your family and friends once a month be unreasonable? I’d go more often

Probably because he has to parent his own children and even cook and clean at the same time?

I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Its one weekend a month and it allows you to stay connected with friends and family and gives DH quality time with SC. Is he pissed off because he doesn't have you there to cater and clean for them all?

Because we are spending less “family time” together but I honestly don’t think SC care. I suspect it is also because I am not around to cook/tidy up/organise.

DH is unimpressed having to care for his kids. He wants you to do all the shit shovelling so he can focus on the Disney stuff

DEEPLY UNATTRACTIVE

tell him this, you’re not the help, he’s spending time with his kids

So you’re taking your joint dc with you? YANBU at all

I do think it’s partly because he has to do more of the grunt work, but also I think when SC are here, he gets to pretend we’re all one big happy nuclear family. He says he everyone being under one roof. But apart from mealtimes we don’t really spend time together anyway.

DH is unimpressed

If you said to him, 'you appear to only want me here so that you can play with your kids, whilst I do all the work with ours, PLUS all the cooking and cleaning?!'

Yes I always take DC. They love seeing my family and I have friends with kids similar ages there.

Once a month is not too much to ask and taking your children with you, I'd continue and enjoy spending time with people you love that support you, he has quality time with his children but no maid, sounds a great solution

Yeah with that sort of age gap and if they live primarily with mum they won’t see it as one big family.

my ExH has similar delusions.

Yanbu. And you shouldn’t have been doing most of the cooking and cleaning so he could concentrate on SDC. He should be doing as much as any other time, there shouldn’t be a red carpet rolled out which means he gets to shirk his responsibilities.

Getting out and seeing your friends and family is the perfect answer.

I think it's sad that the SC and your C aren't spending the time together. But it sounds like that wasn't happening before either. When my SD was younger and would come over twice a week, a major part of that was her relationship with her siblings here, especially during the week.

I'd be unimpressed with him leaving you to parent his child just because it's easier. What a waste of space.

Travel more.

Maybe think about moving back to X

so you go and dh has to then cook and look after his kids - shame

Before DC came along, we both treated SC weekends as time to focus on them, and chores and time for ourselves were done in the week or the weekends they weren’t here.

This has sort of continued as DH didn’t want them to feel adversely affected by DC. But obviously things like cinema or bowling or even homework isn’t really something that can be done with two tinies. I could tag along with one baby, but not one baby and a toddler!

We spend all of our holidays together and to be honest, it’s similar in that DH will often be with SC and me with DC. So I like that I get a bit of a break when I stay in my hometown.

If all the kids are happy then I think it's fine. It might be nicer for the step kids this way, half the time they get to see their young siblings, the other half they get their dad alone in peace.

It does sound like he wants you to play house maid whilst his kids are there.
Maybe phase it to him as "ah, you want all the kids together, so they all see eachother. Absolutely fine. I'll leave the younger kids home next time I go". I doubt this is his issue!

I would up it to twice a month. Gives you and your children a chance to socialise and you're not waiting on your DH and his children.

He is unimpressed as he is having to look after HIS children alone for once.

Carry on.

I would love to move back to X, but it won’t happen until SC are adults because we couldn’t do eight hour trips to collect or drop them off.

Z is also better for both of our jobs, and there’s better schools here. But I do miss X more and more.

It sounds like a great solution for everyone to be honest, including the SC who get their Dad's full attention.

It isn't every time they come over, so I don't see the problem. You still get plenty of time to be a family all together.

It doesn't seem much of a family unit if your other half is excluded from visits with your family. I guess you can't have it all with blended families but I can see it from your DH's point of view too. You are happier to spend 25% of your weekend time a month away from him.