To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

Nailed it!

YANBU. I would do that both weekends the DSC are there. They’re old enough to help DH tidy up as they go and get meals ready for the 3 of them.

This is 95% about him having to pull his weight and do things he should be doing anyway, and 5% about his male pride Disney family ideas.

Which means you’re 100% right to scoot off for the weekend.

The fact you take your little DC means he can have really important 1:1 and 1:2 time with his older children - something that often gets forgotten in these situations. So feel free to tell him you’re doing him a big favour by having a few weekends away.

I thought I’d have more responses like this.

I have suggested we (me, DH and DC) go on one weekend a month when we don’t have SC, but he doesn’t want to commit to that either. I wouldn’t want to spend 50% of my weekends “off” staying at his family’s either so I get it.

We do take SC to my hometown once or occasionally twice a year, but we agree it’s too far for them on a weekend (would mean 16hrs in the car) so it’s quite hard to integrate them.

As long as the half siblings are all spending some time together I don't think there's a problem here.

His domestic appliance has malfunctioned, so he's pissed.

There is a decade between the children so they won't have much in common at this age. When yours are older you can do things together such as swimming or theme parks but right now there's not much that is fun for everyone. Much better to do things separately for a while so that DH can make the most of his time with the SC.

The fact that he doesn't want to spend similar time with your children is a worry though.

Or maybe because he'd like his children to spend some time together.?

I think that as long as all the children spend some time together once a month, thats fine

@Estebanjo I can see two sides to this. I completely get why you want to go back and see friends and family, however it’s also important for your two little ones to spend family time with their siblings, even if it’s just at meal times and chilling out for parts of the day. Could you maybe vary it a little, so one month you go whilst your SC are visiting and the next month visit on one of your SC free weekends (your husband doesn’t even have to always go with you if he doesn’t want to)? That way they are only missing seeing their siblings once in a 8 week block.

Your DH however shouldn’t be leaving you to do all the grunt work, that needs to be addressed separately.

On the weekends we don’t have SC, DH and I do things based on DC’s interests. SC have zero interest in things like Peppa Pig World so we save that for when they’re not around!

His suggestion was that we go on one of the SC-free weekends and he stays home. But I kind of resent that I’m expected to be on childcare duty four weekends a month including three without his input, and he gets a weekend off to please himself?

I suppose a compromise will be somewhere in the middle, but it doesn’t sit right with me that I have to put myself out for SC if he can’t be bothered with my family.

Your DH seems to want everything (you doing the work, him having all his children under one roof) at your expense.

I'm sure it must be nice to have all his children under one roof and he gets that once a month, you're not depriving him of it.

His choice to have two different families doesn't mean he's entitled to special provisions especially when you also have family you want to spend time with.

When does he expect you to spend time with your family?

So basically OP, you are at home with your own on the alternative occasions that the DSC visit? Have I got that right?
Sounds acceptable to me

You're already comprising by only going once a month.

Here's a compromise for you: leave all dcs with DH so he can have everyone under the one roof so you get to do what you want, as well as taking the DCs to your family on a w/e when DH is child-free.

That's fair. But I bet he won't think so 🙄

Well he has to parent his own DC like the rest of us. Of course he'd prefer you being there so he just can do the fun stuff.

Why should the little ones miss out just so you can do all the grunt work on your own? I think I'd take them away more.

He's not that bothered about that on the weekend where he has his all dc together though. He still goes off with his older kids.

I suspect OP is right, he enjoys OP doing the grunt work.

OP, it's not your job to facilitate meals and tidying for DH and DSC, he should be doing that.

Going against the grain here but I'd make sure I still saw the step kids enough to have good connection. Someone I know well had a similar routine to yours but very sadly the step kids mum died very suddenly after an accident. The step kids moved in full time and she realised that only having seen them once a month for the last two years meant it was even more difficult to blend the family together. It nearly broke her marriage but they just about got there. Now she sees all the kids getting on well togethet because they see each other rather than two teams passing each other in the hallway on Friday and Sunday evenings.

More than reasonable.

He spends time with his kids, your kids get to see your side of the family.

Is he unimpressed because you're not there doing the work? Tough.

If a bloke has 4 children with different mothers it will always be a conflict of priorities. He will have to suck it up as he caused the issue

But the children get no real opportunity to spend any time with their half siblings. Thevage gap is an issue but in later years thry may not appreciate the divide up for parental convenience.

😂😂😂 What a chancer!

Isn't it funny how his suggestion only benefits HIM.

You keep doing what you're doing. It's beneficial for your children to have a good relationship with your side of the family, and he may not realise it, but it's also beneficial for his children to have lone time with their Dad.

This is purely down to him wanting you to be there to cook and clean up. The Prick.

I think it’s fine letting his dc have 2-1 dad time once a month for a whole weekend. He can actually parent.

I wouldn’t agree to his you go alone on a weekend he’s home alone. That’s just him opting out of any parenting again

In fact op to make it fair you personally should go twice a month.

Once with the children and once without so he can do 2-1 with each set of his children. Just like you also do 2-1 with your dc once a month.

Then it’s one weekend all together and one weekend just you, dh and your shared children.

perfect.

The OP got with him in the full knowledge he had these kids. I hate it on mumsnet when its all the mans fault. The OP presumably chose to have the two latter children wirh him . So why is it all on him?

Oh I could not agree more that he’s a chancer. A cheeky fucker, in fact. This is a man who has sired four children!!
Totally fine as a suggestion until you very sweetly make it clear that you will also have a child-free weekend every month. Only fair.