To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

Annoyed because no maid service one weekend per month? All the more reason to go
He needs the practice.

A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC

@Estebanjo for this reason alone you should make yourself scarce. You're not the live-in cleaner/cook.

Are your children and SC siblings? Do they spend any time together at all?

Ha! I bet. That would be alot easier for him. Not having to solo parent his own kids and getting one weekend a month off. Love that he doesn't even suggest that you all go up when his kids aren't there.

You don't always need to compromise. You're already being reasonable. He doesn't care about you going, or your kids going. He has a problem being left alone with his own kids. Tell him to sack up and be a dad.

Got an axe to grind have you?

Suspect your step kids really like this set up, good for you. This “family time” story fucked up my sons time with his dad / blended family , he wanted to do age appropriate things with his dad. Unless the kids are struggling with it i think you’re doing a very wise thing

Let’s see.

weekend 1. He has all 4 kids, you go home. That’s your childfree weekend

weekend 2 you take DC home. That’s his free weekend

weekend 3 everyone at your house

weekend 4 you, DH, and DC together

Think he’ll go for that? No, me neither.

What?

Talking about Op not liking the stepkids around etc.

He's just trying to wangle childcare for HIS children so HE doesn't have to be a parent. Stick to your weekends away. If he moans, tell him you've thinking of going back to your home town every fortnight because he needs more practice at being a parent. Watch his face when you say it.

I agree that you should leave him with all the kids for a weekend so that he can enjoy time with all of his DC together 100% of the weekend.

Or at least take yourself on a shopping trip all day so that he is forced to make food (although if youre feeling kind you can always return home with a takeway)

Once a month to see those in your hometown is not unreasonable. Even more so given DH and his wish to be as minimal a parent to his older children as possible.

Sorry, what’s that got to do with an axe to grind?

The OP put her issue in on a public forum. She got a truthful answer.

Not sure why this has upset you?

It's really quite sad that you know your own husband is so lazy / selfish / thinks so little of you that he would prefer you to skivvy around after him than see your own friends/ family for just 1 weekend per month.

Yes I agree with the majority that he’s a lazy bugger ans you should continue doing what you’re doing. I bet his older kids really enjoy having their dad just to themselves.

This sounds really nice and quite important for you and DC. I think it's DH who needs to do a bit of processing here.

TBH, even if all four children had the same mother and father and lived in the same house permanently, the age gap would still be a factor. The teens still would spend less time with the pre-schoolers. You wouldn't be expecting your own teens to go to Peppa Pig World with the tots. You wouldn't be dragging the tots to ten-pin bowling. It's not just about being step-siblings.

"Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC."

Well, no - I don't find this understandable. Not unless your husband aspires to be a Disney Dad. Parenting is about more than making sure they're fed and clothed, it's also about turning out functioning adults. So, to parent his teens properly, he has to be modelling functioning adult behaviour - which involves providing your own needs of food and a liveable environment. He should be cooking meals with them, tidying up with them, involving them in cutting the grass so that they can all spend the evening in the garden, etc. Just spending his time entertaining them is not parenting - it is babysitting.

"DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?"
YANBU. Your husband needs to see that he needs to do more than entertain his teens - he needs to RAISE them. And that involves teaching them about "cooking and chores" and a fair division of domestic labour between males and females. Or does he want to turn out a subordinate daughter and a lazy entitled son?

Rightly so, he's being a hypocrite. I agree with you he doesn't like having to do the work of parenting DSC solo.

He sounds crap.
I'm unimpressed with him.

Well its clear your children are yours and your additional duties are skivvy to him and his children when he plays disney dad.

I bet he'd prefer you stayed around to skivvy for him, then take your two children off, so he has a free weekend.

I hope this has clarified your job as skivvy.
Selfish men like him always quickly line up a naive mug to take on skivvy duties for their children after they split up.

My advice is absolutely continue to go to your family.
Returning to X should be an option if he gives you guff.
He is all about himself and your value is the unpaid help.

He is busy with his older children for two weekends and would like to see the back of you with the two younger ones for another weekend?

Surely that should make it crystal clear how litte he cares about the younger children and is focused on himself and not doing ANY grunt work.
Holidays are also you parenting alone.
Wake up OP.

MN is full of mugs like you that got caught by a selfish man.
Start looking out fof yourself.
He has an utter fool made of you.
I hope this thread is helping you see this.

And then they can get together when they're older. OP's step kids can drive down when they're able if they want.

But as they're not living together and there's a significant age gap, they likely won't be close at any point. If OP's husband had his kids half the time, possibly they could bond. But given the distances involved and his kids are about to be teens, I don't see them closely bonding as sibling at any point. They just won't have the shared memories and connections for that to happen.

He's got a first family and a second family and there's no effort to bridge that.

I would do it for as long as you can! I wish I could do the same!!

Yes I think this only works if he comes with you all to X every second visit and you go on your own with kids the other time - otherwise, as you say he is getting a weekend off plus presumably you want him to get to know your friends and family in X too?

It is also possible that everyone is vilifying your DH a bit here, it might just be a bit more lonely and awkward with two teens alone with their dad vs the energy when you and the other kids are there…

Agree, not sure how much difference 1 weekend a month as opposed to 2 makes here. Unless the DSC are very keen to engage with toddlers, and it doesn't sound like they are, invitably they're going to be doing pretty different things on contact weekends. That would still be true if they were all under 1 roof 4 nights a month instead of 2.

I'd go the free weekend and leave the kids with him 🤣🤣