To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

So your dh sees his first set of children twice a month. On one of those occasions you take his small children away so he only has to think about entertaining 2 older children who are hardly hard work. Yet he doesn’t like the fact he has to entertain them and cook for them. Oh the poor love. He needs to give his head a wobble. How on earth would he cope if you left him to look after all his own children, you know like millions of other parents do. Good lord what an idle man he is.
And no, his first children will not be fussed about having to spend time with toddlers and babies. They are there to see their dad, nothing else.
Quite frankly I feel sorry for the older children. 2 much younger children forced upon them by their father. 2 younger children forced upon them by their mother, plus an unruly step sibling, God that’s not great for them at all.
Not having a go at you op, you are not their parent but both parents have deal these children a shitty hand.
Next time your dh suggests you stay, tell him fine I’ll leave the dcs here, then you go off and leave him to it.

This is why I don’t try to force the happy family narrative. I’ve never really clashed with either SC and I think that’s because I don’t try to be their mum. They already have one. If they can see me as a trusted adult who they like and respect, who is the mother of their half-siblings, that’s plenty good enough for me.

my baby and 5 year old have 18 year old step brother so the gap is huge - regularly go away with baby and toddler when he’s here and leave husband and his son to it ! I’ve done this for 4 years

we do stuff together too and he spends time with the kids too but in general I think they have such different interests and needs that hay I prefer to be out the way and let them have time to themselves

It sounds like the current setup is probably the optimum one for DSC in the circumstances. Their father is just going to have to put on his big boy pants and accept that having 4 kids might mean some grunt work once a month.

I can see all sides of this tbh, I don't think anyone is being "wrong" to feel how they are feeling. Unless your DH is really just wanting you to do the grunt work but for the purposes of this post, I'm assuming it's more that he'd like his DC to be all together. Surely the grunt work for 6 including a 3 and 1 year old is massively higher than the grunt work for 3 including a 10 and 13 year old anyway! It's tricky that both SDC's parents have moved on and have more DC (plus the steps at their mum's). It's no wonder they want some downtime without dealing with extra siblings.

I (mum) have 2 DC who are half siblings with a big age gap and I'd be gutted if they only spent 1 weekend in 4 together. DS is nearly 14 and DD just turned 5 and I'd say only in the last year or even 6 months have they really started to play together and enjoy each other's company. So, you may find that as your DC get older, SDC can do more with them and that there are more activities that work as a family. Maybe at some point it'd be possible to divide differently eg your DH takes his DS to football and takes one of the little ones to run around too. My DD actually sort of enables my DS to be playful and silly again I think and revisit some of his old favourite toys, TV shows, sneak her a few sweeties etc. Things that don't really work with a 3 year old and under.

I think, for now, the fact that the current weekend split appears to work for 5 out of 6 family members (all but your DH) is the most important thing. It also seems to provide the right environment for SDC so while I can understand your DH's feelings, them getting 1 weekend a month one to one with their Dad and 1 weekend a month family time with you all does feel the right balance. I think he should gently chat to the SDC about the arrangements to gauge their feelings as that may help reassure him that it is the right thing for now at least eg if they say "we love having a quiet, relaxed weekend with just you once a month Dad!" that might make him feel better about the situation.

How often do you leave him with all four

surely he would be glad to have all his children together?

I think one of the reasons DH doesn’t like me going is he wants her to see us as a functional and happy family and me not being there ruins the facade a bit.

If by 'her' you mean his ex-wife, WTF should her opinions of his life/family have to do with anything? Is he trying to make her jealous? Frankly, I'd be really hacked off at the thought that he even cares what she thinks at all, much less expecting me to play along with it to serve whatever his purpose is.

Now here I may be getting things way wrong, but do you feel the outward appearance of your marriage is a facade? Because the definition of facade is 'an outward appearance designed to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality'. If you do, I think you should take a good look at your marriage. If you don't, why does he think your marriage needs a facade? Is the reality not 'good enough' for him?

No, I was referring to SD!

I do feel like it’s a bit forced when SC are here sometimes, which is why I refer to a facade. I do find myself biting my tongue around SD. Much as I love her, she’s being raised differently to how I’d raise a child, which is reflected in her behaviour. But I appreciate it’s very hard for kids to code switch, that DH wants them to have fun here, and that he wants us to have a cohesive jolly time.

DH wants them to have fun here, and that he wants us to have a cohesive jolly time.

And do zero actual parenting by the sound of it. Does he step up at all with the older two?

Yup, he's a Disney Dad.

Urghhh.

Got it! My mistake. And I do understand and sympathize with you.

I'm one of those who many years (like more like eons) ago decided not to date men with DC. And the 'biting my tongue' thing was one of the reasons why. Lord knows it's hard enough to keep one's opinions to oneself about what everyone is doing 'wrong' raising their DC (joking, sort of)! To me it seemed it would be doubly hard to have it going on in my own home, especially if my own (at that point future) children were being raised differently.

I currently live over 400 miles away from my own hometown. Due to my DH's work it was hard for him to get much time off and when he did he usually wanted to spend it in more 'worthwhile' ways than going to 'my old stomping grounds' and all that entailed. TBH I would have felt the same about trekking off to his. So often I 'went home' with our DC without him and he was always fine with it. It was absolutely wonderful to see friends & family and 'go places and do things'* without having to consider whether or not he was 'having a good time'. So I say, GO FOR IT! If he's concerned that that means you aren't a 'cohesive unit' in front of SD, then he can jolly well come with you! But I hope he doesn't, for your sake.

*FWIW my old stomping grounds include the 'original' Disneyland, so there were great 'no budget' trips. He wasn't (and isn't) a Disney person so he was even more glad that he wasn't subjected to that form of 'torture'.

Couldn't read to the end was getting fed up with XYZ

Going to your hometown once per month is fine.
Later, when your kids are older, they might want to stay in Z and play sport etc. so having them know their GP and cousins when young is great now.

Change it around though ..
Sometimes leave a pie or casserole to help DH out.
Some hometown weekends go for just a day trip.

Make a nice occasion of the meal you share as a larger blended family - even if it is breakfast.
Some times loudly invite DH&SS&SD to join you and let DH decide whether to come too.

Leaving on Friday night, every second weekend, would seem rude and as if you want to actively miss seeing DSC.

I guarantee you whatever justification he tells himself is the reason, it's 90% this.

You aren't there to facilitate his Disney Dad cosplay by taking on the domestic drudgery.

Truthfully, too much math. Unfuck your situation and deal with your responsibilities. Average out the unreasonableness and decide if your current sitch is too difficult, on average, for your core family. If not, deal. If so, then work with your husband and find a more amicable resolution. In the meantime, stop with the acronyms and stupid maths. You're overanalyzing your story.

Hell, my drunken eyeballs are aching.

Sounds fine to me - the OP didn't marry a widower with two babies, she has inherited older step children. Surely her role is to be a friendly, reliable, aunt-type figure, not another mum.

I do appreciate the point about the children all spending more time together, but if that isn't happening anyway (due to activities, age gap), then they're hardly missing much.

If your husband really hates it , I propose you accept his idea of visiting with your kids on a non-step children weekend, but you also visit solo one weekend - giving him the wholesome family experience of having all his children together

Of course DH is unimpressed. He has to parent all by himself, just like your doing.

Uuuhm, controlling behaviour?

It’s a no brainer to me .
Continue as you are OP seeing your family one weekend a month , so good for you & your kids .
Your children will look back very fondly on this in years to come .
Tell your husband it’s one weekend per month & let him shag off for himself !

Of course you are not being unreasonable, but, I want to address the 13 year old girl: That age is a dog eat dog age. You are likely in a better position to talk to her about these pressures than her mother because you are not attached. She might eventually open up to you if you are consistent, patient, and kind to her. She is not the adult, you are. It is up to you, not her, to bridge that gap. Don't stop trying just because she's a snot. That's a test you seem to be failing. You knew he had children when you got together. Them growing up to become teenagers was not a surprise event. Make a consistent effort because you are what? The adult married to their father. Try a lot harder to make nice with the child who is exhibiting signs of distress. Thirteen is a really hard age for girls.

Also, and this is important, unless you want him to have more custody of his older children, you might want to accommodate his desire for at least one big "happy family" meal. It's hard to be the parent who has significantly less custody and integrate all of your children. It's not unreasonable for your DH to try to have his children become more acclimated to each other by eating together.

Precisely this.

was this supposed to make any sense?

She could do this if he pulled his weight with them all when his kids are there. Until then, he reaps what he sows. Women are not men’s service animal.

He is trying to pull a fast one here.

Don't fall for it.

Cheeky fucker

1 weekend a month sounds a good compromise to me. It would be a shame for the half siblings not to see eachother at all, but also understand why it feels like too much being there. It’ll only be a few more years before they stop coming, so time as a family is valuable.