To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

I think it’s a good balance, I disagree with both weekends as to me that looks very ‘us vs them’ and they wouldn’t see you as a sm at all just ‘the lady and kids that live with dad’

Do this.
what a lazy arse you've married

Because the OP has two children and her fella has four children. So he has an awful lot more to do, parenting wise.

One weekend a month seems reasonable to me. If it was every time your stepkids visited it would be different.

You have one weekend all together. Two weekends just dh you and your kids and one weekend where he gets to spend time just with his older children. I suspect the older children will enjoy that weekend.

If they arrive on a friday evening, I'd probably wait to travel on Saturday morning so you see them and all the children have a bit of time together. I know there is a gap but these are your children's siblings so building a relationship between them should be a long term goal.

laughing at his suggestion that instead of you letting him free to focus on his older children, you should go on a weekend they aren't there and let him free to focus on himself.

And he'd be quite happy to co parent all 4 of his children every other weekend but half the time the OP is taking the two younger ones away with her by choice. We only have her word that he doesnt pull his weight on those weekends. He probably wants all his children to know each other well but at the moment the OPs actions mean all the kids are together only one weekend a month. I dont get the impression is doing this for the young childrens sake, it just suits her.

‘We only have the OP’s word…..’ sums up the nature of mumsnet. We only get one side of the story. It’s like a first person novel where we have to decide gradually whether the narrator is reliable or not.

Him getting 1 weekend a month to spend quality time with the 2 of his children he doesnt live with is a good thing. It's important that they get to spend time just with him.

If he has a problem with that simply because its too much hassle for him to take care of them, he'd be a pretty shit father, wouldn't he?

That's what id be saying if I were you.

Bingo!
Why do women fall for this?

Can’t quote your reply to me op but what you are doing is fine, sounds like a nice balance between you spending time together all of you but also nice for the SC to spend time just with their dad. Absolutely carry on.

I think this is quite telling actually. It isn’t entirely about family time.

If you only have the DSC two weekends a month then to be away with your DC for one of them seems a lot. I agree with the PP who suggested an eight week cycle. You can still visit your hometown but do it on a non DSC weekend every other month. On those visits I would also leave him with the DC, to compensate for your being around to entertain and cater for the SDC an extra weekend.

He doesn't cook for his children so that he can 'focus' on them?

Aka you're the woman it's your job.

Why don't you go away by yourself and leave all 4 kids with him, you get a break and he gets his kids all under one roof which apparently he likes.

My only reservation would be that the children only see their siblings once a month, but I guess the alternative is twice a month, which isn’t much either so not much of a difference.

I also find it amusing that the only one complaining about the arrangement is your DH. Agree with those who say you can’t have your cake and eat it (DH).

I’d go more often. Enjoy it !

His suggestion that you go with your shared kids on one of the weekends when his children aren't there speaks volumes. He'd be fine missing out on the 'together time' on those occasions? Nope, wouldn't agree to that. Maybe you skip a month here and there, but really, once a month to see your family isn't that much to ask.

He might not like to hear it, but his kids with you and his kids with his ex are not likely to ever have the kind of relationship he wants, regardless of whether you go once a month or not. That's a lost cause. They don't live together and the majority of their childhood experiences won't be shared. That's what happens when you split from your partner and have children with another person, with the kids mostly living in separate homes. They can still have a good relationship, but it won't be what he's envisioning.

Cheeky bugger. Him. You’re giving him quality time where he can Disney it up with his older kids and he’s complaining. Carry on as you are and go more often if you’d like to.

This whole scenario sounds really immature and tit for tat.

You are opting out of not being around DSC for pretty poor reasons including DSDs hormones? How you going to cope when your kids hit that age? You can’t opt out then.

The truth is, you clearly don’t like the DSC being involved in your life….so you’ve chosen to not have them in your life. Well, reduced by 50%Honestly, that’s pretty crappy and the SC will notice. They may not say anything, but they will notice.

There’s no issue with you spending time with your family and friends. But you are doing it in a way to cut out the DSC.

Stop with the ‘I’m expected to do all the grunt work’ excuse…..tell your DH that he does his share and you’re not doing it all! It isn’t hard.

I think it’s sad for SC that they will be limited to seeing their siblings just 12 times a year. They only have a maximum of 24 times at present and although I understand what you’re saying about the age gap the reality is that they could still have a bond with their siblings but they definitely won’t if they barely ever see them. If you’re going once a month why not go on a weekend they aren’t there? Also, just don’t do the grunt work for your DP and discuss with him that you need to move towards mor inclusive activities that all children can enjoy (we go to things like a water park for instance).

The only thing I would say I'd you are massively reducing the time your DC get to spend with their half siblings?
They share a father. With what you are doing they are only seeing their half siblings once per month. Also if someone told me they were taking my children away from me for the whole weekend once a month I'd be a bit brassed off - maybe your DH isn't that thrilled about you taking away your shared children so often?

I'm a bit on the fence here as it does feel a bit like you're actively avoiding your step DC, why don't you do your weekend with your family on one of the two weekends each month that your step DC aren't there?

Dealing with your own kids as teenagers is different from dealing with someone else's kids. And if they're only there every other weekend, it's not exactly a close relationship. Not to mention that they're off doing their own things with their dad most of the time. I'd be willing to delay leaving so that everyone can have Friday evening together (if that's when the SC come over), but there's no point in OP sacrificing her family time (and letting her kids form a relationship with her side of the family) just so she can facilitate her husband's weekends with the SC and possibly see them in between their other activities outside the house.

Surely all the siblings can spend time together if you leave all 4 with their dad and take yourself off?

I think he's got used to you doing most of it... and dislikes the fact that a weekend a month he has to.
He's pretty unreasonable to have an issue with this. He should want you happy, no?

"His suggestion was that we go on one of the SC-free weekends and he stays home."

Lol, good try mate 🤭

His suggestion is cheeky AF - I want you to help me parent my two kids two weekends a month, parent our two joint kids all four weekends of the month, but give me one weekend a month to myself!

It does underline that his real concern is that you are not around to help him pull him weight when it is his turn to parent his older children.

Not even a question. Of course you keep going away when the SC are in town. If DH doesn't like it you can offer to leave DC with him so DC & SC can all bond together under his supervision. This attitude is definitely driven by not wanting to do all the work by himself - because as you say there's hardly any family time except during mealtimes which you presumably cooked.