To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

I think your DH is a bit unrealistic to expect that half siblings with such an age gap will have a great strong bond if they will see each other 2 weekends instead of one. It’s not enough and I mean it nicely as both DH and I have about the same gap with our FULL siblings.
I think your aim should be equal opportunities, mutual respect, no annoyance and sharing the most important moments (still realistically, not your kids first nativity but SC’s GCSE results). And then you just hope that it will be a good base for better relationship when they are older.
A lot depends on if they would live close to each other, have the same interests or would go through the same stage at the same time.

However I agree with others that things are probably much simpler and your DH misses your cooking, cleaning and parenting him and SC. So if I were you I would continue with one weekend away and would do a nice day out all of you together on the other weekend with SC.

Spot on !!

But you divide and conquer so how much family time do you really miss. Its one weekend a month tell him to suck it up

It's wildly unrealistic! He just can't choose to create two separate groups of kids a decade and several hours apart, and expect the relationships are going to be close. If it happened regardless, lovely, but as you say, the odds were always against it. The only person who'll feel any of this is a big happy nuclear family is him.

He’s not impressed because he’s not getting hot meals.

I don't think YABU as such, but I don't think you're prioritising all the children's relationships with each other. I really value my relationships with my half siblings - I don't even consider them half - and that's down to my parents.

What about going to X one month on a weekend your SC are with their dad, and the next month when they're with their mum? That way, the children would be together for three out of the four visits rather than two.

The more time they have together, the better they can decide if they want to remain close as adults.

Dare I say, it does sound as if you don't value the relationships between the children as much as your DH. Not that that should mean the cooking and cleaning falls to you!

Edited to add that the half-sibling closest in age to me is 12 years younger and the youngest is 22 years younger. You can be close to half-siblings regardless of the age gap if it's facilitated.

It sounds great, everyone's winning except, possibly, in his eyes, your husband. Crack on! 😀

The way you are doing it sounds very balanced. What he wants doesn’t sound balanced at all.

But he doesnt want to miss out on family time ...unless it means he gets a weekend "off"
What a joker.
Dont change what your already doing

Sounds like it's exactly this. In theory it should work well as SC get quality alone time with their dad once a month and you're getting the little ones out from us under their feet while getting to see your friends and family.

Honestly it all sounds really practical and your DH is being unreasonable. If they weren't step-children and/or lived with you all the time you'd still end up dividing and conquering because of the age difference, and if you wanted to go stay with your family he'd maybe have ALL of them on his own.

I can understand his desire to have all of his family round the table, but he gets that once a month. This is how blended families work - it's not easy. You're doing the best you can.

Worshipping at the alter of ‘Family time’ is used as a stick to beat so many people into submission.

YANBU, OP not in the slightest

Leave the DC with him next weekend you go off to see your family. Let him manage all his children and the house ... he needs to be doing more anyway, not dumping it on you.

Yet a step father was never home to help there would be cries of how could he do that to the mum

Again, I'd leave your DCs home with him while you go see your family.

If he complains, ask him why it's okay for him to have a weekend off from his own children but not you?

The OP isn't never there. She's at home three weekends a month, one of them with the SC.

This question gave me pause. They spend every other weekend together and four weeks of holiday a year but in terms of shared activities together, very little time.

From DC’s perspective, yes they’re siblings. DC adore SC. From DH’s perspective, yes.

From SC’s perspective, no, I don’t think they’d consider DC siblings, more “dad and Este’s kids.”

And I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with that, it’s how they feel because of the age gap and the distance. My hope is that, when they’re all adults, they have a cousin-type relationship where they can rely on each other if they need to, and hopefully find some common ground.

I don’t think spending two fewer nights a month in the same house will make any difference.

Not if he'd taken the two younger and harder work DC out with him and left her with less than 50% of the child related labour there wouldn't.

It seems like you have your family and the SC are not included in that. Your hubby has 2 families & is on a timeshare.

the kids should be encouraged to spend time together regardless of age gap.

I don’t understand why so many women get in relationships with men with children to then not treat the children equally to their own & treat them as part of the family.

your dh is kind of right on this one.

Has anyone asked dc how they feel? They might tell Dh that they like that they get to spend time alone with him and without younger siblings?

His idea isn't reasonable - you taking sole care of the young children three weekends a month and he, who should be responsible for all four of them, actually getting a weekend off.

You might agree to vary it a bit, one month going in his DC weekend and one month on the other one - with him.

Not read the full thread, but have read OP posts

How about calling his bluff, say that you will alternate it so that one month the 3 of you go on a SC weekend, the next month YOU go on non-SC weekend 😇 to make him happy 😉

So you'd get a chance to hang out with friends and family with no responsibilities once every 8 weeks, and your DC get to see your family and your friends DC once every 8 weeks

If that's suddenly not fair as he has to watch the DC, turn it back round and ask why he thinks it would be fair for you to have the harder job of entertaining little ones 50% of the weekends and solo parenting 25% of the weekends, while he has the easier job of being with older SC 50% of the time - already unfair divide - AND gets a totally child-free weekend 25% of the time!

To be perfectly honest, SC spend a lot of time moaning about DC and pushing them away, which upsets them.

I get it entirely: SS just wants to watch sport and be gaming, and SD spends 90% of her time on her phone with headphones in. I too would have had no interest in toddlers at their age!

I have, repeatedly, made plans with DH to do ‘family days’ but SC complain their way through it and ask not to do it again. In my opinion DH does permit too much rudeness from them, but it’s very hard to put your own house rules onto kids who don’t live with you and can vote with their feet. Ultimately DH wants them to keep coming so he can see them.

I think you would be better off moving home to x. Your DH can do the extra drive no problem.

Until then, i would want to go in the next year, a good compromise would be this as the siblings need to all see each other. The older ones need time with just dad, I’d not have even gone at their age with a step mum there. This way they get one weekend just them and dad one month the next month one weekend just dad but little ones too as they need time together.

one month the first Sc weekend you take yourself and your kids home as you do now, DH has that weekend with his eldest to do things they like.
next weekend of that month you go home without the kids, DH has all 4 (he will never agree but he’s the one who wants a kid free weekend himself). The other two weeks you DH and younger kids are at home.

following month both sc weekends you all stay there. But one of the weekends without the sc you take kids home and DH has a weekend to himself. Other weekend you, DH and younger kids at home.

So over the 8 weeks of the 2 months the 4 sc weekends means they see their younger siblings for 3 of those one of which is just dad which would be good for all of them. You get to go home three times, once without any kids and your DH gets one kid free weekend too. And you. And DH get three weekends with younger kids at home (personally I think one of those he should go home with you to visit but it doesn’t sound like he will).

I do wonder what 'encouraged to spend time together' looks like in this situation. They could all be in the same house a bit more, sure, but beyond that there's not much scope for activities that all four will enjoy. Even if all taken to something each might like in their own way, like say a water park, they're not likely to enjoy it together.

The little DC enjoy being with the elder already, so the 'encouragement' would have to be aimed at the 13 and 10 year olds. That seems a pretty obvious recipe for resentment.

edit- I cross posted with OPs 2022 post but it confirms what I thought