To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

I was thinking more along the lines of taking them with you some weekends; leaving them with their dad and siblings for a few hours some weekends.
If they don't regard them as siblings though, that ship has probably already sailed.

Yeah I don't understand why he can't focus on his children and do some house stuff.

This! 👆

So your husband wants to be Disney Dad with his kids all gathered aroundwith y facilitating that by doing the domestic work.

But in reality, he had his first family and his second family and they're not blended, they're separate families. His older kids don't really want to be around yours. He's not making all his kids gathered around him a priority, he never has, and his older kids get rude.

Take your kids where they're wanted. Your husband is kind of lazy from the sound of it and uses you as his servant when his kids are there, that's not a good dynamic for your kids to see.

I'd be 🤔 ng long and hard about a permanent move to X.

Making the SC the sole focus gives them a very warped view of life... They need to see how a family functions, including the boring tasks.

we have 3 aged 3 - 10. If we had a 1yo as well, and I took the 3 & 1yo away then dhs weekend would be MUCH MUCH EASIER because the little ones are work. And yes I mean including all the sport, my older boys play sport all weekend long. I think it says a lot that his weekends with his older kids are more work without you and the 1 and 3yo. I’d tell him this and say youre disgusted that instead of appreciating how much I facilitate his life at the expense of my time and energy he’s mad that I’ve cut back, it’s bloody well not family time and he knows it. If he wants family time you’ll try leaving the 3yo next time and they can go along to the big kids activities/cut some of the big kids activities back because there’s a 3yo, but really he means family time with you as sole parent of the little ones and he’s a total hypocrite, who needs to rapidly lift his game and value you and all you do or you’ll be at your families every second weekend, leaving a dc or two behind for him to look after.

One weekend a month is completely reasonable

I agree.

But from DH’s perspective, SC have a tough time at their mum’s (they have two younger half-siblings, one is a young baby and one has ADHD plus late teen step siblings) and he wants to make them feel loved and prioritised. In the last year SD’s been pushing the boundaries and whenever DH imposes a sanction, she’ll threaten to stop coming.

I think one of the reasons DH doesn’t like me going is he wants her to see us as a functional and happy family and me not being there ruins the facade a bit.

Does he actually realise the extent to which DSC are irritated by the little DC? You mention him permitting too much rudeness, so I wonder if this is one of those cases where he isn't seeing what he doesn't want to see.

I think it’s a lovely idea. He spends so little time with his children that they really do deserve that one to one time.

Probably because he has to parent...

His suggestion was that we go on one of the SC-free weekends and he stays home.

That says it all. He'd like one weekend a month to himself but he'd like you to be there all the other weekends to do all the cooking and generally make his life easier. I suggest that every second month you go alone and leave him with all his kids.

My biggest concern would be that one or both of your DSC are interpreting this as you intentionally leaving with your DC for two of their four days per month at your house. I know you said they seem ok with it and that they're not terribly interested in playing with your DC, but teens and tweens are walking balls of contradiction. They can push everyone away while also desperately needing to be wanted, and can behave like they're totally indifferent while long-term damage to relationships are being done. I'd be really cautious that they're not spotting your new schedule and storing that away as a signal that you don't particularly care for them. In one of your replies you phrased it as "two fewer days per month" but really it's a 50% reduction and that's unlikely to go unnoticed.

I don't know what the ideal solution here is, but maybe it's a compromise where one month you go on a weekend the DSC are there and the next month you and DH take the younger DC on a weekend the DSC are with their mum. Perhaps combine that with mixing up the pairings more when everyone's together. And keep in mind that it will actually be easier to mix ages pretty soon once your younger two are past toddler-stage.

And I think you need to sort out the housework and childcare division with DH directly instead of avoiding it by leaving.

I would keep doing it. The only person who does not seem to like it is DH. And he is not the only one that matters.

As a compromise, could you leave Saturday morning and do a family night with the SC on Friday night?

DH also needs to reframe it in his own mind as being one on one time with his DC and a time of peace for them away from younger siblings. He can be using the time to teach them to cook (nice quality time in the kitchen together) and planning outings that are not feasible for younger siblings. He could even take the SC away for a mini break from time to time.

Are your little ones enjoying the trips to X with you?

So far it's been all about how the SC and DH feel.

So your kids only see their half siblings once a month? Yeah I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable. You have two other weekends a month to you back to your home town. The issue about chores and childcare during the weekends you have your SC is a different conversation.

I’d keep doing it and just keep saying - it’s important that sc get some 1:1 time with you.

That’s on him. Where is all the effort he puts in to make weekends with his kids there a family weekend? They should see him cooking and have him tidying up with them. Instead he takes them out to have fun and leaves you to look after the younger two and do all the work. He can’t give them this happy family environment because he isn’t willing to put the work in.

This is such a good point. He has created this situation and its up to him to fix it, not for everyone to bow to his will.

I probably would alternate months so you’re not always going on a weekend they are there.

You may think they don’t care but when they are older they’ll realise you went out of your way to not spend time with them, and they would be right. Surely you know how important it is to just spend time? Also, how are the kids going to build a relationship if you always take them away? This will have serious consequences.

Your husband is the issue here - the way you guys are approaching it isn’t functional at all.

He has to do the domestics while OP is away.

Because he has to feed his children and also pick up after them etc which normally op is there to do!

You have two wee people and thankfully your own family in X. Do what works here and now for your unit (own oxygen mask first) and DH will cope. Sounds like only one arrangement and could all change as year’s go on that it isn’t working for is him. Tough be my view.

Have you asked the DSC what they would like to more of/less of?

Has anyone told them that the little ones love them and asked them to marry some time for them when you are altogether?

I suspect the DSC quite enjoy it when it is just them and their Dad, sounds like they need quality time with at least one of their parents.