To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

[Estebanjo]

My hometown is X. SC live primarily with their mum in Y. We (me, DH, DD3 and DD1) live in Z, which is equidistant between X and Y and two hours to each. Before anyone asks, SC’s mum moved, and I wasn’t the other woman!

We have SD13 and SS10 every other weekend. We all get on pretty well, but SD is often hormonal and dramatic at the moment, and SS is obsessed with sport. Due to the age gap, we often ‘divide and conquer’ so DH will end up entertaining SC somewhere whilst I look after DC alone. A lot of the cooking and chores fall to me on these weekends as DH - understandably - wants to focus on SC.

In the last few years, a lot of my friends have moved back to X and started families. My family is still there. I miss them and just being there. So I’ve started going back one weekend a month.

DC love it. SC don’t appear to care either way and I suspect enjoy having their dad to themselves. DH is unimpressed. AIBU to carry on?

@feelingsarentfacts I phrased it badly, I don’t think it’s the op’s job to ask those questions. I don’t think wonder if the their Dad is doing emotional parenting or support of his older DC.

He seems to believe that they should be a nuclear family when the DSC are there but has he ever asked (drawn out via commentary and reflection) why they would like. It’s also ok to ask people what they want, doesn’t mean they will get it.

So they have half siblings via both parents and have little ones around all the time

I get why dh wants a weekend just them to do adult /teen stuff and you taking younger kids away makes sense so he can spend time with them 121

but also nice for them to spend some time

do you have to stay

can you drive there and back on a sat

or drive Fri night. Stay there and drive back sat so all 4 can spend a Sunday together before they go home @Estebanjo

I remember people saying on here, that they didnt like the experience of not seeing their father without his new wife when they were children.

"I have, repeatedly, made plans with DH to do ‘family days’ but SC complain their way through it and ask not to do it again. In my opinion DH does permit too much rudeness from them, but it’s very hard to put your own house rules onto kids who don’t live with you and can vote with their feet. Ultimately DH wants them to keep coming so he can see them."
Ah. 'Disney Dad'.

I think I would point out to him that at their mum's they again have the much-younger half-siblings, and maybe there being no half-siblings, just their dad - maybe the "vote with their feet" would lead them to HIS door and not their mum's? You already said in your OP that "I suspect [they] enjoy having their dad to themselves", which I agree seems most likely.

"I think one of the reasons DH doesn’t like me going is he wants her to see us as a functional and happy family and me not being there ruins the facade a bit."
Then put it to him that the three of them together form a functional and happy family? Especially if he introduces the 'functional' a bit more by them being a normal family, where they participate in the cooking and the chores together. That he is their parent, and he needs to parent them, not just entertain them until they return to their 'real' world. He has to make himself their real world - and that world should not be one where the woman does all the grunt work and the man is a Disney Dad trying to be liked.

These two teens have 2 half siblings on their dads side; 2 half siblings on their mothers side; and 2 step siblings as well as that. Your dh may forget about one big happy family- this is an extremely difficult situation for them. Blended families are frequently awful for some of the kids

Definitely do it! It sounds like you get a lot out of seeing friends and family, which is so important. To be honest the SC probably don't care that much at their age and if they do you can always adjust. You all get a weekend together a month anyway is that right?

I think the SC actually would love a weekend just them and their dad - it's actually quite a healthy schedule I think!

As for the cooking and the cleaner well he'll just have figure it out won't he

Yes so mane op can go back once a month and only take her kids every two months? So every two months her DH can look after all his kids at the same time for two day. See if he can manage!

Sounds like it's just me, but I think YABU. I definitely don't think you should be doing all the work during their visits, they aren't toddlers who need constant supervision so that part doesn't sound fair and he absolutely needs to pull his weight. However, as a parent of 4, and with a reasonable gap, there's no reason why these siblings can't have a good bond (all of my children have the same Dad who I am married to, and they all get along well and enjoy family time) and your children and their siblings only get 2 weekends a month together, I don't think he's at all unreasonable for wanting all his children to be together. Can you compromise, and go one weekend they are visiting, and then the next month go a weekend they aren't visiting, but him go with you? That way, he only goes every other month and he gets more weekends with all the children. He needs to contribute to the work of them being there though.

I feel for your SC, there’s a lot going on between both families. Sounds like in both houses they have be quite adaptable. When the adults get new lives the existing children have to slot in so I can see why your husband feels for them. Imagine if this was your two when they are older and they had to fit in with younger siblings. I think you are giving them the message that they don’t matter to you, although I’m sure it’s not easy for you either.

You mentioned Peppa Pig World and the cinema but are there any middle grounds? Trampoline park? Zoo? It must be hard with that age gap but I’d prioritise finding something they can all enjoy. And as an aside, Peppa Pig world is within Paultons park and it’s great!

I think that weekend your DH and SC spend on their own is a major benefit to them. DH won't be able to divide and conquer so the children will be learning about each other. She will learn about his sports and how to be supportive about things she isn't particularly interested in and he will learn about hormonal moods, which he will be getting himself at some points. And hopefully they will all chip in and learn about cooking and basic housekeeping.

I think it is brilliant that you have the opportunity to take your children to your home town once a month. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of stepparents read that with envy.

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

One weekend a month to see your family and friends, when DC love it and SC are fine (or even enjoy the 1:1 time), is a reasonable way to meet your own needs. You already carry a lot on SC weekends, this is balance, not opting out.

I think this is a great balance for everyone SC get to spend quality time with just their dad which is important especially at that age doing activities they want and that are appropriate for them, with the age gap with yours its not possible to all do the same activities together each time and then they still see them anyway on the other visit, so you have to do what works and it is important for you and your children to have quality family time with your family and sounds like its working really well for everyone right now. if the children are happy why change it, I think your husband is being selfish he needs to see it from the childrens point of view and change his idea of how he thinks a family should be and get with the reality of it

I'd be going home every weekend the sc were there
DH should not be leaving grunt work to you
Sc should be making an effort to enjoy their younger siblings time together
Sc sound spoilt and demanding Anne DH sounds like he wants you at home to clean cook fetch and carry
I'd be moving home asap

I think this is ideal, really. It gives your DH and his older children some time to be a family unit together.

So many step-families try to force the 'blended family' thing to the detriment the original children.

How about 1 weekend in every 4 week period you and DH visit your parents on a non SC weekend and you go alone 1 weekend in ever 4 week period. Alternatively reduce the visit down to once a month and alternate between going with DH and going on a SC weekend.

DH needs to realise that 4 children from 2 families means he is going to be very busy the next few years (and it will be only a few years). He also needs to realise that his older children will appreciate his undivided attention and time away from other children regularly. In addition, he could really take on more of the cooking and clearing up when SC are there.

I feel sorry for these children—4 half siblings and 2 step-siblings have been thrown into their world. I do hope they have somewhere they can retreat from the outside world (school, etc) and exhale.

There's not going to be a lot of middle ground options that would involve kids with these age gaps and preferences spending time together, this is the thing.

If they go to a trampolining park the older ones are not going to be bouncing alongside the toddlers. They'll go off in opposite directions when they arrive. There might be some scope at a zoo, but even then it'll be reliant on the older ones being happy to walk at 3 year old pace. And the toddlers will probably have had enough well before the 10 year old. If they're anything like both of mine at those ages, the 3 year old will be wrecked and in danger nap territory by 3ish while the older ones want to see every single thing and stay til the end.

It just sounds like most attempts at this are going to involve either divide and conquer with no time together or the older DC having to stick at toddler routines and getting frustrated.

Also if dh wants more family time has he tried asking for an extra day even if it means him having to do a long school run. Or having them for more than 4 weeks of the holidays.

More time doesn’t have to be taken from your time. He can ask for more of his children’s time.