Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

@ArrghNoJustNo

Thank you so much for all your messages and the time you've given to reply to my various posts.

Lots to think about in what you've written.

Not sure how much of this really is hormonal angst. My husband is brilliant in many ways but also widely known as rather cold and emotionally detached. He shows up in lots of practical ways... He's not a bad person.

I don't think I'm being overly needy with my emotional cup. But the dribble I need from him may still be too much.

I have lots to think about. And maybe some of it is learning to adjust my love language...

Thanks again for your thoughts. You had such great insights

So interesting... my ex's were both musicians...and alcoholics... They totally love bombed me and we were in bed by date three. The sex was intense but, if I'm honest, it wasn't actually pleasurable. I have read your reply quite a few times.. lots to think about in it. I'm glad you're doing well now
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I think what you have written here, and in previous posts, shows that your husband deeply respects and cares for you, but perhaps has been brought up to believe that the only way of showing it is to be a solid provider (good finances, satisfying sex) and the rest he can leave to you.

The fact that he invited an intense, uncomfortable conversation shows his commitment to making things work. Whether he can change in the ways you need him to remains to be seen, but in my view respect is the absolute cornerstone of love. It matters a million times more than romance.

Earlier, you wrote:
He puts a lot of energy into the things that interest him.
I'm just not one of those things.

He might view his life as a series of plates to spin, things that need to be kept running smoothly, and he has so far relied on you to keep yourself running smoothly if that makes sense? It's possible that he too feels like a performing robot in many ways, but accepts that as normal, so expects you to do the same. Aaaahhhhh, the emotional cruelty and damage of middle-class conventions - the stiff upper lip, the prioritisation of work status!

It's great that he's opened real communication with you about this. It's not the solution, but it's a step towards one. It sounds as though you have a good man, although whether he is the ideal man for you remains to be seen. Good luck OP 💗

So much of your post resonated with me, OP. I'm glad you two have had an open conversation now, but careful not to let it slip back into the previous pattern.

I was in a relationship with a man like this prior to meeting my DH. Comparing the two is like night and day.

It nearly destroyed me / my sense of self-worth. I was always made to feel needy. My husband now says he doesn't find me particularly needy at all. In reality, I think he's just capable of meeting those needs - we are compatible.

I would seriously consider whether you are just with the wrong person. I know it's not easy to 'just leave', but you could choose a different life to this, if you wanted. You might even meet another man who treats you differently. Or equally be happy being single and not feeling like a prostitute (which sounds terribly traumatic).

@Beachtastic This was a really helpful comment. You did an incredible job of articulating so much of what's been floating around my head over the years and in particular over the last week.

The comment about him also being a performing robot really really got me thinking.

No one would ever say that my husband is warm or emotional. Yet he is beloved by all in his life - he is very genuine, intelligent, generous and a man of his word. People often tell me they feel very calm and reassured around him, he is an excellent listener.

We did have another chat last night where I asked him why he brought it up. He said, he knew me not talking about it was too good to be true and that I hadn't forgotten. He said he felt the tension and doesn't function well when he knows I'm hurt. So his outreach was about his discomfort more than my own...

It is all very strange.

It IS a very upper middle class British problem. He himself hasn't cried in over 15 years.

We have discussed the sex stuff briefly but it's extremely difficult to talk about as he considers our sex loving. Previous lovers were emotionally satisfying but the sex itself was one sided.

One poster said she felt like a tick box... I do feel that way sometimes. He is a very generous lover, foreplay is always involved, my comfort and pleasure matter - and he often won't allow himself to finish until I have first. But, much like the reason he initiated our conversation - it's more about his comfort rather than mine.

At the end of it all, I have come away from this experience with my eyes opened in a way they weren't before. It may very well be that he is a great guy, but not the guy for me. I am confused about a lot of things and going to get some therapy.

Thank you so much for writing.

We did have another chat last night where I asked him why he brought it up. He said, he knew me not talking about it was too good to be true and that I hadn't forgotten. He said he felt the tension and doesn't function well when he knows I'm hurt. So his outreach was about his discomfort more than my own...

That's one way of looking at it... another is that he notices and minds when you are upset, enough to put himself through an emotionally difficult conversation.

The fact that he is acutely aware of your feelings, whether you express them or not, is a really positive aspect of his relationship to you, and not one to be taken for granted. I've been in many relationships where my feelings were not noticed at all, not listened to when expressed, and simply did not matter.

Whether he is able to convey his caring in a way that makes enough difference to you is another question!

I think you both need to talk more about all this, until you understand each other better. Of course, you might still decide that he simply isn't wired up to give you the emotional connection you need, and that you are basically incompatible. But there seems to be a lot there to work with, that it would be a shame to throw away just yet.

I wish I knew you in real life! You have given me some really valuable alternative perspectives to consider.

I am also acutely aware that my husband's personality is necessary for his career. What makes him so very successful is also what makes him unavailable.

We met young although after uni. I used to outearn him and support us. He is extremely motivated and his career sky rocketed.

He's not a jerk about his success. He's humble and generous. He supports me to work (school pick up/drop off, cooking, WFH) even though I have a very difficult and strict schedule and earn ten percent of him. I don't "have" to work but I choose to.

So there is a lot to appreciate in him.

But equally, being left alone to cry really really sucked. And our sex life is lacking.

I don't want to bandaid over that feeling just because it's easier.. equally, as I write more I am thinking, much of this is at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. If he was shit in all these practical ways I don't think I'd have time for these thoughts...

Thank you, I didn't expect my post to resonate so much but I am glad if it is at all helpful! 💗

The way I see it, a lot depends on how you interpret his behaviour. So far, you seem inclined to view it as selfish, which could be unfair (sorry, hard to tell!) as he may well feel that he's expressing his care for you in the only ways he knows how.

That doesn't mean you have to accept this as your fate, if you find it soul-destroying to stay with someone who has such difficulty demonstrating his emotional connection to you.

I think you have lots to talk about, and he has got the ball rolling...!

I'm getting "he's 50-75% selfish, but with impeccable manners and 25-50% empathy". Which admittedly is better than being 100% selfish and a total arsehole. Whether that's good enough only you can decide.

I'd definitely stop having sex until you stop feeling like a prostitite.

Part of that, in case you haven't realised, is coming from you OP. You've literally chosen, so far, to stick with an unhappy marriage "for the money" and the lifestyle it brings. You said that. I know that's not the same as hanging out on street corners and doing it with strangers for £20 a pop, but I can totally see how what you're doing is not that dissimilar in mindset and will be feeding into how you're feeling.

Sex complicates things. I makes you bond with people, if you're a woman. Oxytocin and all that. So stop, take away the emotional turmoil it's currently creating. He's not an intrinsically horrible person (just a man, raised by society to put himself first). His reaction to all this has been to make an effort (albeit for his own ends) and not to become abusive or to double down on current abuse. He's being honest, not manipulative, even though honesty hasn't painted him in the best light and has shone a spotlight on his selfish streak. So he's not going to be messing up your head deliberately so you can't think straight then, like the abusive ones do. If you take the prostitution feeling out of the equation I think you'll be able to see things a lot clearer.

You'll either be left with a situation where you feel like he's your best friend and you want to shag him (so, a "relationship" then). Or you'll end up feeling like he's a really good housemate and pal, but you've no desire to get into bed with him, because the emotional intimacy that's necessary for you to enjoy it just isn't there. In which case you either both take lovers and live your own lives whilst remaining together or you split up.

Hahahaha. That is a brilliant description.

I wouldn't say I've stuck with it for the money per se (as I have wealth in my own right) but he is a high earner and generous so we do have a nice lifestyle.

I brought it up mainly because I see a lot of people who earn a lot who are quite like him... When we were young and poor and he had a different job he was different... the higher he has climbed and the more he has earned the less emotional he has become... It would be hard to do his job well if he was emotional and I suppose it's hard to turn feelings on and off...

Add in the models he's had growing up and the British upper class norms surrounding feelings...he said the other day, from quite a young age I was told we don't talk about this.

It hasn't always been like this in terms of sex...this thread has got me thinking a lot... Our sex shift has coincided with the demands of his work and, maybe... with age. Perhaps we both need different things to get us going after 18 years. I need more connection and he needs it to be more of a physical act...

This thread has been very good therapy. But I think an actual therapist would do us good.