Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

@rainonfriday I liked reading your post. It gave me hope. My husband is still living at home while he waits for his property sale to go through. I can’t live my new life alone with just me and the kids until he goes but I really hope I can write a post like yours in the future. I’m so done adapting myself to someone else’s needs and behaviours I’m supposed to be showing. Your life sounds so freeing. More than anything I hope my energy comes back as I’ve felt so fatigued for years and I wonder if it’s because I’m carrying this act, this lie, pretending I’m ok all this time when I wasn’t.

OP I ended up having a full mental health breakdown so I urge you to leave before it becomes too much. I sacrificed myself for my family. I’m on anti depressants now and sleeping tablets as my anxiety got so bad I couldn’t function. It’s not normal to live with emotional deprivation and over time your body can go into hyper vigilance which is a horrific experience.

I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me grow up even though I’m 51. She’s expensive but she got me to say the words to me husband that I was calling time on things within 3 sessions and I felt more heard with her than I have with 20 years with my husband. She gets it and it’s so validating to hear someone say, you’re normal! It’s ok to want someone who loves you the way you want to be loved.

take good care of yourself. Literally, no one else will so you’ve got a job to do. If he wants to keep working let him. It seems to be what they’re made for. I’ve accepted it mostly now. He’s never going to change so it’s time to stop the incompatibility. We both might be happier.

Mine was like this.

No emotion at all. Never cried, showed no emotion even when his parents died. His view on death was “well everyone dies and they weren’t young” everything was black or white.

Eventually I had to leave as I was 50 and my life was passing me by.

When I spoke to him about this and said I was deeply unhappy and wanted to leave…

His response was “well you have to do what makes you happy”

He wasn’t bothered at all. He added “I’ll be fine on my own”

That was 5 years ago and to be fair to him he is fine on his own. He hasn’t changed though. He never will.

You can’t change people. Only you can change your own behaviour to make yourself happy.

As I read the thread something strikes me - I don't know what it healthy to expect from a partner and what is not. Some people tell me to grow a spine, others tell me to look after myself.

It's like I need someone to tell me what is my responsibility and what is ok to expect.

You need women's aid freedom programme.

It's bizarre that he can't offer you emotional support while you're going through a rough patch mentally and do enough at work to keep his job. It's not unusual for people's work performance to suffer in these circumstances, but to get fired is next level. That's says there's maybe something seriously lacking in him and it's possible he has a diagnosable condition of some kind. So the changes you're needing him to make are probably going to be impossible for him then.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

This is not what marriage or love should be like.

I just left a relationship with the same type of man. Lucky for me I wasn’t married to him so I feel your pain but their is a life beyond this you don’t have to stay with him

Ahhhh I think we are in quite similar relationships. 12 years here, and I have been trying to find the words to articulate all the things you have said so well.

I love him, but he doesn't offer me what I want from a relationship emotionally and everything else that comes with that. Same as you, I said to him I feel like a prostitute, a housekeeper, flatmate and a surrogate. Not because hes rude to me, is forceful or anythjng like that, just the constant emotional neglect undermines the rest of any possible relationship or trust to have genuine sex. He is not a life partner. Love is not enough for me without both of u conscisously making the effort to make the other person feel loved everyday.

Same as u I see him being more emotional with other people than me, he puts all his energy into work or his friends or me time. I have realised his supposed emotional input to others is actually his fear of failure in social and work situations happening. He is performing empathy with people all the time.

I spent years trying to talk to him about our emotinal lack in various ways and being dismissed and gaslit in various ways. Then I had a couple of light bulb moments recently.

We have 3 kids, 6, 3 and a 6 month old. I have to talk to him like my 6 year old to get through to him for anything from how to handle emotions to getting him to put his shoes away. He literally is at that level emotionally. And thats not ok for a grown adult! I just didn't really notice this dynamic in the same way pre kids.

Secondly his parents are nice but clearly awkward and in a v emotionally difficult relationship too. The 3 of them were watching tv on the sofa and as I watched them I realised his parents relationship is exactly what he is emulating. His dad is far worse in terms of insensitivity to his mum, but thats probably because its been going on for 45+ years. That's where we were heading. There's definitely elements of ingrained misogyny and just middle class entitlement. They are all nice people in many ways, but dont know how to have an emotional connection with people or each other. I absolutely won't let that be handed onto my kids.

Im also pretty ragey now with post partum hormones which probably helped me to just say in my head, screw him, I need to get on with looking after my 3 kids and keeping my own head above water. I dont have the luxury of feeling insecure and depressed because of him on top of everything else. So I spent recent weeks realising that given I carry most stuff in our relationship and household, if we broke up I will be fine. Money wise i can move back with my parents. Not ideal, but not impossible. I just dont want to turn into his depressed mum, and for our kids to become these emotionally malfunctioning people (i/my family have different issues btw, but thats another story). The relationship itself is frankly not particularly worth anything to me in its current state and I can't be in a relationship with myself.

In short, I feel emotionally lighter and free than I have in years. Im just focusing on me with the minimal time and energy I have. Just not taking responsibility for him and his needs is such a weight off my shoulders. I cant chnage our living circumstances as young kids, and no headspace to work anything out, but as we are flatmates in most respects, it doesn't make much difference.

We eventually talked about it a month ago, as ever he never really fights for us, just asks me what i think will happen to us and finds different ways of saying im being dramatic. I just said I dont know, and im not that fussed either as all I am thinking about is getting through mat leave, sorting my job and finances and making myself happy again, being seen, getting excited about life like i used to be. Im not fussed what it means for him or his version of us. If he wants to make an effort, he can, i will see how i feel at that moment. Im not making any effort on my own though.

That seems to have shocked him and he is making more of an effort than ever before. Had a couple of nice cuddles since randomly. But if that dissipates I am ok too. Its v weird to feel happy with this state of affairs, but I actually am.

So what am I saying to you? I see you and hear you. Everything you say makes sense. I also have friends who say this is normal, and others that say just dump him. But not easy to dump after so many years of lost identity and children. Take your time and do what you want at a time that suits u. Youre doing all the right things. And you choose what is acceptable to you in a relationship, dont go by others. That is tough to do if you havent had good role models or relationship history (me too) but if it doesn't feel right, especially after all these years, it isn't right for u.

Ultimately, prioritise u. No one else will. And respect your own feelings and wants as a pp said. You seem like a way more emotionally switched on cookie than me. But we need ro figure out how to get our self respect back. We can do it

I suspect many women are identifying with these messages.

Long marriages are mostly terrible for women I think. Men just take for granted what they have for free in front of them every day. I would recommend reading up on 'quiet quitting' your marriage and if he isn't meeting your sexual needs, taking a lover (there are alot of apps you can use). The meaning of your life is not to be a doormat to everyone else's needs. Find your own life. It's painful I know. I am where you are and have quiet quit. I don't eve wear my wedding ring anymore and he hasn't said anything. It's been four months of not wearing it. I don't give a fuck anymore. Men do what they want for themselves so why shouldn't we? Start to focus on logistics, acceptance and FINANCIAL STABILITY. Make sure you can pay for everything yourself and invest in your career. See if he says anything. Oh and stop making dinner every night.

Maybe it's time to quiet quit your marriage

OP I just want to hug you :( I've heard the term "bang maid" on the internet and it sounds like what you describe - used for sex and domestic chores.

I got divorced because my ex indulged in utterly horrific behaviours that made it impossible and dangerous for me to stay but in a way I think he did me a favour. Because, with notable exceptions, many marriages do seem to end up like this. It's not unreasonable to want more, but it's also the sad truth that this reflects the reality for many millions of women.

I'm also not in the "divorce him" brigade when anything remotely bad comes to light. It took a lot for me to leave my ex and it was behaviour that was beyond the pale (sex workers, contracting STDs, being out on the piss when my waters broke). If he hadn't have completely lost the plot I would still be with him because its never bad enough to leave, but never good enough to be happy.

As it is now, I plan to never get married or live with a man again. Simply have them as relationships and lovers and keep my own space with my daughter. But I wouldn't leave a marriage thinking that something better is out there.

I really do think you would benefit from ongoing counselling.

Your posts come across to me as though you have pushed your feelings down for so long they are now clamouring to get out and overwhelming you, to the point where not acknowledging them feels like a fundamental denial of your humanity (the prostitution feeling).
Sometimes they might come out at inappropriate times - like the public crying. Maybe also in conversation. FWIW I think it’s pretty normal to stick to subjects of work/hobbies/travel with in-laws and family visits. Heart-to-hearts about worries and fears (at least in my experience) are for close 1-1 conversations. But maybe because you have such big emotions inside you it feels ‘superficial’ not to acknowledge them in any kind of interaction. Maybe this continual emotional intensity in daily situations is what your partner is retreating from and trying to shut down? Obviously this just makes the problem worse for you though because you don’t have that emotional closeness and relief that you need, so all the feelings go unresolved.

It sounds from your description of your dad, and from the feedback of prior partners, that this issue predates your current relationship.

Seriously, get counselling. Give yourself a chance to spill out the emotions to a good listener and see if it helps? Get a really good understanding of yourself, your past and your needs before deciding what to do about your marriage.

This is really such good advice. I wish I had done this.
All the best, OP💐

Op Would it be wise to say to him when he wants sex that you are not going to give in and explain to him that you want more love and connection as you have described in this thread.

Thank you for your message! I completely understand what you mean about the intimate conversations part.

I think what I'm refering to is this... Family video call happens every Sunday and FIL (very proper) is on the call looking sweaty and with shirt unbuttoned. No one says anything and as I'm watching him he looks like he's going to pass out. I finally say, are you ok Dad? And he's like no I feel really strange, I'm over heating and my heart is racing. I was like, maybe we should get off the call and you should go to the hospital? His blood pressure was insane and he was in for three days.

Later I was speaking to my husband and I was like - that really worried me. He's never ever shown up to anything in a state of half dress, he was sweating bullets and everyone was just chatting about their holidays. How come no one else noticed it? There were many of us on a video call, and his wife was next to him. It's almost like they're all blind to emotional or physical distress.

That's a very acute example but plenty of others..think like Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones and she's talking about Chechnya - they can make the right noises but truly don't give a f*

Update:

Last night my husband asked me if we were going to talk about what happened.

I was quite shocked as avoidance is his go-to. He said a lot and I listened (usually I talk and he is silent).

I used some of the tips on here - the one about feeling like a robot that was malfunctioning really resonated with him

We are far apart now but maybe not forever. He said he wants to be emotionally available. Lots was said about his childhood and what he was taught about feelings. It didn't feel like an excuse, more like self awareness.

It was intense and Rome wasn't built.

But I did tell him I can't face a life of outsourcing all my feelings. I cried and he did hold me. He apologised, he was gentle and present.

Overall, the cruc was that he doesn't like to see me sad and that's why he ignores it. Twisted logic in that. But it's what he saw growing up. Stuff it all down.

No clue what happens next.

Extremely grateful for all the solidarity on this thread. Everyone who has written and shared - thank you for your vulnerability and hope.

I wish you all the very best of luck. Everything is so hard when you're in the thick of it and the kids are very young. Barely had time to think. But feelings are real and deserve space.

I hope you figure things out. Sending lots of love and solidarity. You sound absolutely brilliant.

When I say it's confusing it's because he shows up in many ways - never ever questions any of my choices, supports my hobbies, supports my work and friendships, is happy to hire help and I can go away anytime and he'll sort out the kids. He cooks, he cleans, he asks about my day every single day. He's not useless

I'm going to go against the grain here. He sounds great in so many ways. I mean, you can of course leave for any reason you want, but you may not find all of the above in another man, let alone this deep emotional connection you're looking for. Most men are (imo) quite practical and surface level. The very deep ones tend to be artists, singers, poets etc, generally broke and utterly useless at doing stuff at home, as they're following some pipe dream. And they certainly wouldn't be looking after some other guys kids!

There are lots of trade offs if you do leave. How would your finances be? How do you feel about schlepping the kids between two homes? How do you feel about spending some birthdays/Christmases alone, because your kids are at his house? How do you feel about him meeting another woman, and the kids spending time with her? I've done this, and let me tell you it's utterly soul destroying. It took my daughter years and years to recover.

I left my first H due to constant cheating, so I didn't have much choice, but it's a hard path to walk. I did find someone else. He's much better as he is loyal, but no men, imo are as deep as you seem to need. They are similar animals.

I have 3 wonderful single friends. They are solvent, beautiful, have their own homes and good jobs ....not one of them has been able to find a decent man. And they have been looking for years and years! On line dating is brutal.

Re your teens taking the mickey....it's what teens do, they don't see you as another human being, you are just "mum". Mine were the same. They are late 20's now, and completely different people, who connect with me in a completely different way.

Long story short, I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You had the connection before kids came along, so it is there. Go out for dates. Connect. Talk. Try everything you can before throwing a hand grenade into your life.

This was exactly me, i left after 24 years and honestly wish I hadnt left it that long as it turned into resentment and then turned toxic

@Londonisthebestcityintheworld OP I've read some of your posts so far and I can say it's like an emotional roller coaster. No wonder you're feeling this way and confused.

On one hand, your DH sounds great from what you say. On another hand, he sounds awful. So basically he's human?

From what you've written, it seems to me that he has his strengths and weaknesses like everyother person but the issue is that his weaknesses (his faults/where he fails) is the one place that happens to be your love language. Unfortunately for both of you.

So he can be great in every other way but if he's not meeting your love language, then you'll have an empty love tank. And vice versa from you to him too. That's why you feel this way despite still liking him and saying he's great.

Unfortunately it won't change. Everyone has their love language and if it's not met, you'll never feel loved or satisfied. You'll always yearn for love because it's not been given (in the way you receive love). Not intentionally by someone. Equally everyone has their way of giving love and most aren't able to intentionally show/give love a different way from how they naturally are in order to meet someone else's needs. Again it doesn't necessarily make them bad people.

You have deep emotions and he has shallow emotions. Not compatible.

He has strong practical skills so he meets your needs that way. Compatible.

It's now up to you to decide if you can live with your emotional needs not being met. Judging by the way you feel, I'd say no but judging by the practical aspect of your marriage which you're happy with, I'd say it's going to be one of the hardest decisions you'd make.

Stay and be happy but emotionally miserable or leave and be okay emotionally (unless you find a way to fulfil that emotional ache in order to be happy) but maybe not okay in other ways.

Unfortunately not great options either way so you have to decide the option you can live with and without.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I know it's not an easy place to be.

Have you told him you need him to do this? It's clear that sex to you is emotional and intimate, and sex to him is purely physical and perhaps intimacy during sex is uncomfortable or awkward for him. It is like that with a lot of women and men.

But if you communicate that you need him to be more intimate with you during sex and tell him specifically what you want, could he start showing it without you constantly reminding him? If not, it's one of the places you're incompatible and you'll need to decide if it's something you can live with. Sadly.

This is interesting. From this post, would you rather be with someone who lies to you during sex and tells you he loves you or with someone who you say you know loves you and says it to you other times except during sex?

Whoever said about long term marriage bad for women, I've begun to think this too.

Being single, I can date whoever I like and bin them off when they get to the point where I'm being taken for granted. It almost helps in a way, knowing that this is the likely outcome of any relationship I enter into. It may be good for years, but it always seems to happen eventually that the romance stops and the complacency starts. And I know it's downhill all the way from there, so best to bail out early.

I've even wondered am I addicted to the honeymoon phase of a relationship? But then I think no, it's just that I value myself enough not to tolerate being treated like an afterthought. Why should I come below work, below other relatives (excluding children), below hobbies etc in his list of priorities? I'm supposed to be his partner, his number 1, as he is for me.

There wouldn't even be a honeymoon phase of relationships if men (because I think it is mostly men that do this) didn't act fake to "get you" in the first place. The whole reason for dating them is because of thinking they're an easy-going, tactile, exercise loving, gregarious, fun guy, who has his shit together, cares about others and takes care of his own health too. Then they start feeling comfortable in the relationship, secure in the knowledge that you love them and slowly drop the act, until what's left bears little resemblance to the person you first dated. If they didn't do this, if they were their true honest selves from the start, most of these relationships wouldn't make it past a few weeks or months.

So I've concluded it's not me, it's them. If they want to put on an act to "catch me" they better be prepared to keep it up for the rest of their life, because otherwise I'll be gone.

One of the earliest signs, I think, is the "where's my xyz". I don't know what it is about that question but it brings something out in people, something bad. It's totally fine to ask someone else if they've seen whatever it is, maybe they have. But when does it subtly change into "where's my..." as if the other person has responsibility for knowing this information? Why does it become ok, at some point, to start stomping around in a huff because they can't find their xyz and they want/need it right now and don't have time to search for it? When did putting their own stuff away and taking responsibility for it's whereabouts suddenly become the responsibility of someone else and nothing to do with them? And why, as women, do we fall into "mother mode" even if we're not one yet, and start searching for their xyz and thinking of places they might have put it? Why do we accept this outsourcing of responsibility and mental load (of remembering where they put it) by them onto us? I've started to say "I don't know" and to help search for it only if I'm asked nicely, don't mind and have time.

Just seen your update OP. Maybe you need more relationship counselling. Perhaps it took a while for the last lot to percolate through his brain into consciousness and start to affect his behaviour. Changing yourself isn't instant, it takes time. There seems to have been a shift in him though, for the better? Some men have sixth sense for when we're about to walk away, I find. So this could just be that and he could just be doing the bare minimum to keep you around, then will revert to type once you decide to stay (and he senses that energy shift within you). But if he raised the issue instead ignoring it like usual until you raised it, it doesn't seem like it's that, to me.

Do you perhaps both need individual counselling as well as relationship counselling too? I realise it might be costly, but your marriage is (apart from the existence of your DC) the most important thing in your life, so worth it if you can find the funds somehow. Maybe if you can both heal childhood wounds you could come together as new "upgraded" people and the marriage might work better. If he's had a bit of a mindset shift, pulling out all the stops to try to make it work might be worth another try? And if you do end up splitting, the counselling will see you in a healthier starting place for the next relationship. Plus you'd be co parenting with him if you split so the better you both understand each other, the better you'd be able to get along.

If you do leave the "good thing" that's out there isn't necessary another marriage, although it might be, you can't guarantee it. The "good thing" is the freedom that comes with being single and the ability that gives you to truly look after yourself and not have your personality squashed down by, or have your feelings dismissed by, anyone else ever again. The only bad option is staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. Better to be happy single than in a miserable relationship IMO.

Everything you say is valid. You must also know that there are flaws in everyone and every relationship. That’s not to say you shouldn’t leave, but I think it’s important you do so with your eyes wide open.

You mention a history of PPD. Is it possible that your hormones are also affecting you now? I only ask as you’ve had a long marriage, much of which sounds happy and successful (on the whole). For me, I know my feelings towards my husband change with most cycles. It’s really difficult and I hate how affected I am. At times of the month I hate him with every bone in my body, at others, I love him to pieces and feel fully content. Are you menopausal? How’s your mental health otherwise?

The thing that jumped out to me is the sex. If you feel used, don’t do it. You don’t ever owe him sex and if it’s making you feel sad, then I’d suggest stopping it for now.

Yes. Perimenopause has knocked me for six. On HRT now, but I also have teenagers. And my job involves a lot of emotional labour.

I really resonated with the love language. It used to be acts of service which is entirely what he does tbh...

Therapy, yes, I think I need it.