Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

You only get one life

I do think this is quite common.
Not that it’s a good thing, it isn’t. But I know I can relate to what you wrote and I’ve read so many similar posts over the years.

I don’t think we can expect one person to give us everything we need for years on end. But, as you say he provides for the family and you probably have a nicer lifestyle being married to him than you would without. You say he’s calm and stable and makes you laugh. So I wouldn’t jump into leaving. Would your finances if single allow you to be happy.

I’m not getting the loving care that other posters seem to be finding from your DH in your posts but as I said earlier the stiff upper lip is lauded by many so it could be what they see as loving.

In my experience of avoidants and to be fair there are a number of different kinds of ways avoidants show up but they avoid deep conversations, emotional discomfort of any kind, repair of relationships in any meaningful way. But as well as avoiding emotions they also avoid feedback that challenges their perception and identity so they are highly resistant to change.

How the avoidant controls others to meet their needs in this regard is where the loneliness comes from in others, minimising others experiences, denying others experiences, intellectualising others experiences and so on, all to keep the world around them just how they like it with no thought for the person/people they are surrounded by. Being an avoidant is not loving. It is a culturally enforced and endorsed way of being but it is not loving.

I was taught to ask for support. Ask for what you need.

But what do you do when you ask and it's not given. I am doing my best to stand up and teach my children what love should look like while they have a father who makes excuses for them and tries to make it all a joke etc.

I am not allowed to have a feeling which is inconvenient for them.

So if I say, thats hurtful. I have been trying to teach them the right thing to do is say sorry, that wasn't my intention, it was a bad joke.

But what they say "oh you can't take a joke or criticism".

In both cases they are trying to say, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. But the second way makes it my fault instead of theirs. This is what their dad does too.

Being with someone who doesn't support you emotionally, at the very least when you really need it (baby, death of your dad) isn't the person for you.. and I never say that lightly.

I echo someone else's sentiment, can you imagine looking back 40 years and not regretting staying with him?

If he is not willing to come to couples therapy, or even see fractionally of what you need (and let's be honest, it's not that much) then perhaps rethink your relationship. Daily it must make you feel 'wrong footed' constantly and as if you're to blame somehow, like asking for a normal, loving relationship is you being 'needy'.

Well for starters you don't have to do the sex bit!! If there is no emotion in it, because he is not emotionally available for you, then for a female it is pointless.

So I would start by stopping having sex with him.

You then need to work on the relationship side. My DH is very similar. Nice guy, but I am SO far down his priority list it's quite lonely. I told him I'd had enough and wasn't willing to go on like this.

Things have improved. We work together much more as a team, rather than me and the kids vs him doing what he wants. I made it very clear how his behaviour made me feel and that unless he made changes there was no point. We don't have a physical relationship because we don't have that emotional connection, and still some resentment so I'm not interested, but we do hugs.

But more importantly I am being me - I have my own interests outside of him.

I want to bookmark this.

It is confusing because he is a nice person.

I made this post because, when I burst into tears and he didn't comfort me I realised something. I can't be vulnerable with him.

And over the last few days I can't seem to stop the thought - I'm not safe here.

Feeling sad does feel a bit indulgent as the world is also in fire with war, my parents are unwell and many other various complications that make life difficult.

I think I often prefer to push my feelings down because feeling them feels like a luxury... Not sure if that makes sense

No, but I'm really sad that you feel this way. Sex shouldn't feel transactional in a marriage, both of you should want and enjoy it. I know you say it's consensual, I get that, I just mean that it should be fun and lovely and a way to connect.

It doesn't have to be the worst marriage in the world for you to deserve happiness and leave. You're allowed to end things because you want more. He can be a good dad and a nice man but you can still want and need true affection and love and joy.

I would show him this thread if you think that it would shock him into doing something his attitude! As for what happened at the weekend his treatment of you was disgraceful.
He is doing it and has no idea of the affect on you, shameful behaviour.

No this isn’t what marriage is.

I’ve been with my DH for 30 years, married for 18 and he’s my greatest champion, biggest support and I only commented just last month how during sex he never takes his eyes off mine.

please leave this man, you’re only 50 don’t allow this to be your entire life

I'm happy to hear that. It gives me hope.

But we were like this in the early days too...probably until our first child was born.

Im sorry, but you are the one accepting this. Stop waiting for someone to swoop in and make you feel loved, seen, desirable and happy. Those things are within yourself. Kick the door down and claim them - insist on being treated better, insist on being seen and spoken to, loved and treated well and cwith consideration. If you dont find this slef love and assertiveness within yourslef, you may leave you rhusband but you will still end up being used and overlooked. The problem is not so much in your marriage an dcircuamstances but within yourself. Im sorry if this is harsh, but lets cut to the chase. You cant change others, only yourself.

Can you tell him you want some time apart. That things are going badly and despite your best efforts you don't feel loved and supported in the relationship. And you don't feel either of you are happy. Ask that he goes away for a bit.

Then see how you feel without him. I'm pretty sure you'll realise it's an improvement and you can then tell him the split should be permanent.

You don’t owe anyone sex or the use of body. Married or not married. You do not.
if you don’t want to have sex with this man then don’t.

I'm sorry you're so sad OP. It is not " just what marriage is like" but you need to start taking matters into your own hands. Your feelings surfacing are an alarm going off, so take notice of them. Clearly you need a plan to leave, maybe not immediately but one day?
Why would you carry on having sex with him if it makes you feel like a prostitute, and why would you say that to him? That is a horrible thing to say (even if he deserves it).
You don't have to have sex you don't want, cook meals that are picked on etc.
You've said you only stayed for the money, can you manage on less or are you too attached to the lifestyle/ unable to support yourself now? Either way, build your own life. Have a day off now and then, spend some of his money, get into a hobby and stop doing things for him/ with him that you don't want to do. Match his effort.

yes but you need to have counters to that. you remind them its not a joke if the other person doesn't find it funny.

you give them examples, you can even include them or DH as part of the examples to hit home.

Outside of your DH, do you have family or friends that you feel you can turn to for a bit of support or emotional grounding.

I really think you should look for some counselling for yourself outside of DH. As i think you'd feel more stable and secure to make long term decisions once you feel more grounded. it seems like you've completely lost your sense of self

Yes, I agree. You just have to ask yourself whether it is worth it OP. Also, ask yourself if you still want to be living with this man in 20 years. AI and other advances are going to extend the lifespan significantly. Do you want this for possibly 50 or 60 more years? Or even 100!!

I disagree with the poster who said that if you leave you will still be lonely and you might not find another man.

I think that’s missing the point. You’re not lonely because there’s something wrong with you. You’re lonely because you keep giving and giving and not receiving back. One of the loneliest places in the world is in a bad marriage.

Once you leave, you will be free to pour all that love and energy into yourself - your life your job , your friends, family and hobbies. I know many women who have left marriages like yours and I don’t know any who regret it.

Yes of course the process of leaving and getting a divorce can be very horrible indeed. Often these selfish men do not take very kindly when their wife - appliance leaves. They are also notorious for believing that all the matrimonial assets are theirs so they often fight for everything in the divorce.

But once you are through all of that, I don’t think you will have any regrets at all. I think you will feel free for the first time in your life .

Thank you for your message.

The prostitute comment was made in couples counseling. It was not easy to say at all.

Like most couples we had sex before we said I love you. But over the years and even after the words were said, the intimacy never really evolved to include any sort of emotional connection. It's always been a physical act between us.

I'd had previous partners be very emotional during sex but equally they didn't care about my pleasure. My husband was/is not emotional during sex but he was the first partner to take an interest in my orgasm. That felt like care and love.

But I sort of see that now as a sexual preference. My pleasure is what gets him off, so it's not actually for me but for him.

And that side of things has slowed down considerably anyways. He never ever forces anything to do with sex and I have little interest in it anymore (hormones and disconnection).

When I say it's confusing it's because he shows up in many ways - never ever questions any of my choices, supports my hobbies, supports my work and friendships, is happy to hire help and I can go away anytime and he'll sort out the kids. He cooks, he cleans, he asks about my day every single day. He's not useless.

Day to day, he's great.

So long as I'm great.

How do you think he would react if you said you wanted to split up? Do you think he would want to fight for your relationship?

As at the moment you struggle to talk together, he obviously doesn’t cope with emotions well, could you write him a letter? Lay your heart on the line, but it gives him time to process it before he has to respond to you. I’m wondering if that might get through to him better.

You don't have to stay in a relationship when the other person has either stopped loving you, or simply doesn't love you.
I left such a very long term relationship, and my life is now immeasurably better for having done so.

My heart aches for you, OP.

You have described my marriage and exH, and exactly how I felt. You articulate it so well.

It took me 27 years to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I loved him, he had many good qualities, and I thought we'd grow old together. But I was so, so lonely.

Two years post separation I have come to understand myself better. I think getting some long-term heavy-duty therapy for myself while still married would have helped.

I think working on my own childhood, attachment style, negative core beliefs would have allowed me to better understand how we both function on a deeper level, perhaps communicate more effectively, and how to change things while there was still time.

I am also aware that my exH would probably not have wanted nor been able to do the same. So at the end of the day we would either have limped on or I would have ended up leaving anyway.

I don't think my ex is a bad person, just that had very different expectations, needs and capacity for what a marriage is.

I sometimes do wish I had given it one last shot, but with the benefit of the months of therapy I have done since leaving. Maybe, just maybe, I could have got through to him. And with a counsellor's help, he could have learned to open up and let me in, to connect beyond the surface.

However, I don't think marriage is supposed to be that hard? I'm in a new relationship and it's like night and day. I don't have to ask for care and consideration. Emotional availability is a given. We talk. Sex is about connection, not servicing his needs. I feel seen, loved. Supported.

There is still pain, grief for the life I left behind, the dreams I had, but not that heart-wrenching pain that I remember so well when I felt so unloved by the one person who was supposed to have my back and cherish me.

I really feel for you OP.

From everything you say, I am in two minds.

You talk of 50 years of tears and it may be he just hasn’t known how to reach you, past the damage your parents did.

It isn’t his job to be your therapist, but it is his job to be on your side.

Whatever is going on there is hurt within you and you may feel eternal loneliness until you find a way to rebuild from this. I think even the best marriages can only support and provide safety and security while someone takes their own journey. I don’t think a partner or a marriage can do that for you, from outside.

Dud you have counselling / therapy to help you after your post partum condition?

Maybe therapy for yourself now, and then take stock, maybe couples counselling, and find out if the marriage is also not right for you?

I hope you can find a way through this OP.

Husband is emotionally avoidant.

Are you too?

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

If in 18 years you have never expressed your feelings about this to him, how is he to know?

I feel sad for you but at the same time you can only change YOU- not him.

Do you find it hard to say how you feel?

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Its been so helpful.

As I read the thread something strikes me - I don't know what it healthy to expect from a partner and what is not. Some people tell me to grow a spine, others tell me to look after myself.

It's like I need someone to tell me what is my responsibility and what is ok to expect. It feels like I've had a lifetime of being told to sort myself out and it's your own responsibility. But that's how I ended up here - always looking after myself and never burdening another.

But, even I know, seeing your wife burst into tears in a friends home should elicit comfort.