Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

I'm with a dismissive avoidant OP. It's very hard. Been married 20 years and in the process of divorcing.

He didn't look after me when I needed him the most and was in a very vulnerable position and it also unveiled my eyes to see him truly for the first time, what he was a few months ago.

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. I also learnt young to suppress my emotions and that there was no one to look after me. I never felt safe as a kid. I've also married my dad in that DH is emotionally and physically avoidant. My husband is a workacholic and never here, so I guess at least yours has been present... but actually i've preferred it with him not around as he makes me feel uneasy and tense these days. I feel judged and evaluated and like I'm asking always for too much. He also gets angry with the kids if they hurt themselves.

I can't wait for him to move out. I have felt so very lonely in this marriage. I'd be much better on my own. I know I can live a good life alone and feel far less lonely than this as I did many years ago and I was happy.

I don't want to live a lie anymore or pretend or act. I want to be allowed to feel all my emotions and stop hiding my tears or my joy (which usually got hammered down).

My DH also is very very successful and being flat and factual and non-emotional at work has also got him to where he is. The problem is I'm treated like an employee, not a wife. He's also never forced sex or pushed for it, it was always mutual but I identify with the sexual perfomance thing. It's like if he focuses on my orgasm, then he can prove to himself he's a good lover which then means he's allowed to orgasm, but it's actually not about my pleasure, it's about him proving to himself that he's a good lover and another tick in his achievement box. he knows nothing about my inner world, nor does he wish to.

He is a taker on the grandest scale, despite his covert way of doing it. Presence is not partnership. I've never felt like partnered with him. We live two separate parallel lives under the same roof. It's been so painful. I'm therapy and it's been helpful. She says I'm like a child that never grew up. I'm still working on that now, how to parent myself as there was no one else to do it and that's why I tolerated this for so long.

Your post is really resonating with me OP, not because of the prostitute bit, but because i too have a husband is emotionally disconnected. It's very hard, especially when you come from a background where there is lots of emotions to process, which it sounds like you're unconscious is trying to do now. I recall once being very upset in front of friends about my family and a friend had to tell my husband to put his arm around me and give me a comfort. At the time I didn't think much of it as I have always been use to dealing with my own emotional struggles but it's not right and not how a supportive partner should be. I have been with my husband for 26 years, married for 18 years. The first part of our marriage was focussed on my emotions and problems which I processed through a lot of therapy. I have now come to terms with those emotions and am very self sufficient. I also have built up over the years a bunch of excellent and very loving friends who from time to time i get support from to, likewise me with them as all my years in therapy has helped me now help others. With my husband, i got to a point last year where I was so sick of his emotional disconnection affecting the balance in our home (we have children) that I gave him an ultimatum of either sorting the issues out in therapy or he leaves and moves back in with his dysfunctional parents. He took the former and has been seeing an excellent female therapist every other week. He is starting to turn the corner after 6 months with the therapist but it's certainly not consistent yet. He is learning so much about his background and how its made him like he is. He also went to a private boys school which is also an issue as back then, there was no fostering of emotional connection, just silly school boy humour and pranks on others. Could therapy be an option for you with your husband? I sent my husband the link to the BACP website and left it to him to sort out something by a given date to show he was still committed. I will be honest and say that our kids are quite young so at the moment it does not work to separate however, if they were older then i would have. I am very clear in my mind of what I need (he is aware of this, if you are not then perhaps some therapy for yourself would help you do this) and will give him the time to grow into that, as he did with me when i was going through my turmoil. However, if the changes are not consistent then that shows me he does not respect me or our family enough to make a conscious effort to maintain and therefore that will be the end of us. BTW, my husband has suggested couples counselling before and I have said that once he is able to trully acknowledge the lack of emotional connection that has existed in this relationship then I am open to going to couples counselling however, I see no point in trying to build something with someone who at this stage is not able to connect emotionally with me, as that would only makes things harder for me. Thinking of you as I how hard this is x

Even though you feel hurt by your husband's lack of care, you still value your relationship and him and sound understandably very torn. You may reach a point where you decide that ending your relationship is the best way forward but I think you may always have regrets if you don't do whatever you can to repair things now. You can't do it all on your own but you need to be able to tell a future you that you did what you could and, who knows, maybe you will both find a better way of connecting. Can you try couples therapy again? Can you try different conversations e.g. as well as telling him what he has done to hurt you, ask him what you could do to help him feel more connected to you? If you are bottling up a lot of hurt and resentment, do you become emotional when you try to share this with him, in a way that makes him anxious? Could you calm the conversation by thinking about venue, timing or even putting some of it in a letter to him? Have you asked him about his experience of others' emotions in childhood - did he feel manipulated by them?

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone in your relationship. You sound like you have a lot to give.

@Londonisthebestcityintheworld

Right now you're standing at a crossroads. Stay or leave. Both are valid choices but each comes with its own 'requirements' and pitfalls.

Choose to stay and you will need to have the mindset that your marriage is nothing but a 'business partnership'. You each contribute in a practical way to further joint aims (healthy children who grow into good people, growing financial security that ends in a good retirement, etc). To do this you'll have to rid yourself of emotion when it comes to your DH. You give no emotion or expectations, you expect no emotion or expectations. In essence, you live your life 'separately' to his. It can be done, but it's hard work and usually therapy to tamp down those feelings. In return you keep your lifestyle and your children are raised in a two parent home, although whether he's a good influence on them I leave to you to decide. If you decide 'no' you have to consider whether or not you can influence them differently with him standing behind you 'making faces' (metaphorically speaking). Living this kind of life gives NO emotional satisfaction, but it can give 'practical' satisfaction. I've known women who have done this and they'll say they are 'happy'. Whether they are truly happy or are just 'not unhappy' I don't know.

Choose to leave and you may suffer a downturn in lifestyle, including having to leave or sell the home you live in. You'll have to share your children with him. If he is a bad influence at least you'll have one on one time with them to try to influence them to better ways without him there to contradict you. BUT you will have freedom. Freedom from criticism, freedom from the pain of knowing the one who is supposed to care for you the most doesn't give a shit. Freedom from being insulted in front of your children. And you will have the time to build yourself a new life without criticism. I've known women who have made this choice and the vast majority of them are truly happy. They may wish that some things were different, but they feel that they've gained more than they've lost.

The decision is yours. I'd suggest counseling or therapy to help you decide.

This sounds absolutely awful. 😢

I can't thank you enough for sharing this. Actually my husband is also a workaholic. It's always a good reason to not be "present" as it is a very demanding role.

In previous years of our marriage when I have asked for more his work has suffered. At one point in our marriage where I did what people have asked, refused to be sidelined and insisted on his emotional presence his work suffered so badly he lost his job. It was after our second and had PPD. So I went to therapy instead. He got another job and I learned their is a cost to needing his support.

It's almost like his brain can't be emotional and do his job.

No, that's not normal. I've had a lot of ups and downs in my relationship. My DH has let me down a few times and I've let him down. I've never felt like a prostitute though, you need to stop having sex with him whilst you feel that way. It must be so damaging to your mental health. I don't think men struggling with emotions is rare but this seems at a very extreme level.

There have been so many kind posts with great insight and advice. (And a few not.)
What I want to say is how emotionally articulate you seem - you seem to have this very much locked down.
Your confusion about your emotions seems to me that your subconscious - and conscious - know the score, yet your husband is minimising and saying that things are not the way they are.
OP, I think you are incredibly switched on. As the saying goes, it’s not you, it’s him. He is the malfunctioning unit.
You are not needy to expect comfort and support and emotional safety in your own home. It is not wrong to want and expect more! You are not breaking down, you are awakening. You are starting to see your own value and worth.
However this unfolds, I send you all my love and support. I know this is painful, but continuing as you are hurts way more. I wish you a life where you take up more and more space. XX

You're still in honeymoon mode - come back when you're together 20+ years

I don't think your husband sounds like a terrible man and I'm sure he loves you very much, but he is not the right man for you.

Counselling cannot make someone into a different person or change their personality. You and your husband are incompatible. He cannot meet your emotional needs, which has a detrimental effect on your mental health, and I suspect trying to force himself to be the person you need would be equally detrimental to his mental health.

I really, really feel for you because it's obvious that you're really struggling, and it's completely understandable. But I also feel for your husband a bit too, because I know what it's like to be someone whose natural personality just isn't one that can meet the emotional needs of their partner.

I think you are two good people who are both suffering from the effects of a difficult upbringing, and are not right for one another.

Yes he is. And I imagine the same way most of these things come about. We have been good friends for over a decade. Turns out we were both admiring each other from a distance but one of us happens to be slightly stuck. Working at building my own ladder out of this pit as we speak. Not even to fling myself in his arms for him to rescue me, although that would be a nice bonus. I just need to get out for my own sake of self worth.

I think this is marriage after 20 odd years for most people if they admit it.
Puppy love is how nature fools us to hook up with someone to ensure suvival of the species. Every couple ends up bored or getting on each other's nerves or they start having affairs. It's up to you and your circumstances what you do next.

This is what I'm afraid of... Knowing people grow apart and living through the loss of what you thought you had together is just so painful

It's easier to be angry and think he's a bastard than that we are actually incompatible

Embarrassing but those relationships ended because they left me. Even after they cheated I stayed and forgave and wanted to work it out.

With the one just before my husband, we'd been on a break and met up one evening. The next morning, we decided we'd play a game of chess to decide if we'd have another real go at it. He was a much better chess player than I, it was his idea.

It was a beautiful sunny day. We packed a picnic and went to the park. We'd had sex that morning where he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me.

But he won the game of chess. I remember watching him set up the moves to win and feeling humiliated.

Found out after that he was with someone else for the last six months we were together.

I met my husband a couple months after this... had completely forgotten about it...

All the traumas are coming out...

This is really sad. Can you go therapy just you and as a couple?

Thank you. The kindness on this thread has helped me so much after a lifetime of being told to take responsible for myself, I'm grateful for a space where people tell me it's ok to want emotional connection and support in a marriage.

I just want to say ignore the self pity comments. You don't sound like that at all, just trying to figure out why your so unhappy. Those kind of comments are not helpful.

It feels like this will all be a big revelation to him when you come out with it. I suggest writing him a very honest, frank letter, with all of your emotions written down. Get him to really sit and digest the emotions you have and what hes doing wrong. Then ask for him to discuss it with you. If he rises to the challenge and is sympathetic - seeing it as a make or break, and choosing "make it" there is a path forward.

If he shruggs it off and dismisses you - you have to leave him, or find a way to keep peace with continuing to live this way.

If you’re staying for financial security - 18 years is a long time, have you built any financial security of your own in the meantime?

It’s a very personal choice, I can’t see myself staying in a relationship for convenience because I deal very, very badly with emotional neglect. However I know people who did, rode the wave and things smoothed over around retirement age because the husband started relying on the wife a lot more. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to live out your life like this.

It sounds to me as though you are adapting to his behaviours - you said before you were emotionally open with previous partners and got hurt, but you at least have that ability. I suspect when you healed you tried to become more intimate and find emotional/intellectual connection and were forced back. With my avoidant ex he said he had "never had conversations about such deep things with women before" when we were talking about what we would like to do in retirement for eg (both 40s) which was quite surprising to me. As time went on I realised I was feeling more and more awkward about being the one going to hold his hand, suggesting sex, trying to find out about what made him tick and his past etc, because he would try to shut it down or act as if it was a chore. The day we split he walked away from me crying too, and didn't turn around even when I called out after him. It is avoidance and the typical cycle for me would be he would ignore me for days if I had crossed some invisible line. This time I beat him to it and broke it off rather than going through the cycle of worrying when he clearly didn't care about me.

I actually think if you left you would find more time for you and refind your emotional side. You seem still half closed and as if you want to feel the depth of a proper connection again but you are scared it doesn't exist. I can't say I found it with a man myself, but I do look back and thank my lucky stars I took myself out of that cycle of stonewalling and emotionally draining confusion.

I'm picking up elements of arrogance and a kind of polite, unspoken misogyny from your husband's description. I'm married to a similar type and, as a person who needs emotional connection, find this kind of dismissive, disinterested behaviour isolating - at times it can be abjectly cruel.

My husband went to an all boys school and, like many others on this thread, never really seemed to progress much beyond schoolboy banter - he's a high earner too, possibly autistic and also treats me like a prostitute in the bedroom. He has a long list of hobbies, interests, work commitments and friends, all of which sit higher on his priority list than I do. Nevertheless, by all measurable accounts he's a good father and most people view him as a thoroughly good-natured, decent chap.

I've found this thread sadly enlightening and hope you have at least found some solidarity from posting. Looks like many of us will be weighing up the pros and cons of our relationships going forward, wishing you a happy future whatever path you decide, OP x

I am an assertive person. And I do those things you say. But it's met with eye rolls and don't be so sensitive. It's just a joke etc. or a double down on me not being able to take constructive criticism.

Your family are bullying you. The children have learned it from their father.

I am definitely lost about who I am. And that is part of the problem - I don't know what I want anymore.

This is the effect of emotional abuse.

I don't see anything much to like in your husband, let alone love.

When there's something wrong he treats people like a robot that has malfunctioned and if you don't immediately fix yourself he gets angry. That's not "showing he cares", it's being an arsehole.

Someone who "loves you in their own way" is someone who doesn't love you. It's a cop out phrase. I had it too, it's bullshit.

I left and was instantly happier because there's nothing so lonely as being in a room with someone who is ignoring you. As soon as I had my own place I felt better. I had to work through my shite and eventually got back to being myself truly without wearing a mask around people. That took a while. Even straight away though, I had freedom. Freedom to make mistakes without punishment, to do what I wanted when I wanted, to make decisions based on what was best for me not someone else. It's honestly great. I regret the decade I lost to him.

I've been single a while and have decided to stay single unless someone really fantastic comes along. I'm not interested in internet dating, it feels fake to me and too many just using it for hookups.

I'm not putting any effort in to "being datable" if you see what I mean, not trying to appeal to anyone. My life is about me now. I've got my hobbies and interests, my personal style and the things I like doing/talking about (that sounds restrictive but isn't, I'm open to trying new things, but there's things I don't do eg debate politics). If people think I'm boring, shallow or they don't like how I look - that's fine, they're not me, not living my life and they don't have to be around me.

I'm friends now with people who accept me as I am, no more pushing down my emotions to maintain the friendship/relationship. No more biting my tongue. I don't argue with people, but if they piss me off I consider whether I want to see them again and if I don't then I don't. I don't bother with trying to work out whether it's justified or rational or reasonable, I just consider that this is my life and I don't want to live it surrounded by people who upset me.

I've dated - and stayed true to myself. Letting the other person decide if they want to be in the relationship or not, same as I've decided that about them. I haven't done anything to try to keep someone (something I initially found hard and panic inducing), I've stood my ground when I haven't wanted to do something and if it ends the relationship so be it. If I want out, I haven't accepted their offers to change if I stay. If they'd wanted to change they'd have done so when I first raised the issue of xyz making me unhappy, so I know it's hollow words and empty promises.

It's simple now. Would I treat someone I love the way they're treating me. If the answer is no, I'm out of there.

Even after they cheated I stayed and forgave and wanted to work it out.

You don't need to take responsibility for yourself, you're already doing that. You need to respect yourself.

You deserve love and respect, kindness and support from friends and family and partners. Just like you give to them.

But you won't get it unless you first respect yourself.

If you think yourself worthy of good treatment, you don't forgive cheating - you get angry and remove yourself from the person who treated you so badly and with so little respect that they couldn't even say the words "it's over", not even by text, before they shagged someone else.

OP, I really understand how you must be feeling and I'm sorry as it's a lonely place ❤️ I was in a marriage where my husband took pleasure in ignoring me crying. Sometimes he'd comfort me if it was nothing to do with him (a bereavement or something at work) but if he'd upset me, he would walk out or turn the other way in bed every time without fail. Similar to what you have said. if he wanted to talk, I was expected to be all ears. Whereas he'd start laughing if I tried to tell him about my day because it was "so boring". Complained about not enough sex when our son was a newborn "you're my wife" as if that was all I was good for.

I reckon my ex had narcissistic personality disorder for the above and a plethora of other reasons. I'm not saying this about your husband, I do not know him, but the ignoring you when upset thing is a red flag to me. I don't know much about dismissive avoidant behaviour so well aware it could be something like that too. Either way, his behaviour is toxic and unreasonable.

I think if you want to, you should try to talk to him about it and offer the chance to change. That's what I did and he completely f*cked it. You deserve happiness, you're not a robot designed for someone else's pleasure. Wishing you all the best 💐❤️

With love to you OP, you are allowed to take space up in this life. To need things, to do things that are for you and to do this, on occasion, ahead of doing something for others. Go and claim your space - you get one life and you can see clearly now what is needed and what is missing. That doesn’t make your husband a terrible person, it just means the life you have now, and him in it, aren’t right for you to meet your needs and create happiness.