Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

They say we marry our unfinished business, and it sadly sounds like you have married your dad.

It’s common for very avoidant people to treat those they love most the most coldly (makes no sense to a normal person).

I was in a relationship a bit like this and leaving was hard. I had to grieve what I thought the relationship could have been. But in the end it was a gift that I gave myself because the reality was very different and I would’ve lost myself to longing

I could have written this OP and I feel so sad for you.
My DP is very similar, and I am extremely far down his list of priorities, I have stopped asking for effort and stopped making the effort and he hasn't noticed.
I now just focus on my own life and my DD, and when she is older I will leave.
Have you considered counselling? I am thinking about it as I feel like I am in a relationship I swore I would never have (parents had an extremely bad divorce and horrible new partners).
Some days I feel selfish, there is no abuse, he is generous with money, high earner etc. But I worry about what I am showing my daughter about relationships.

I've always believed the grass is greenest where you water it.

I am also not British by birth and I think I made a lot of excuses for his coldness by calling it cultural.

I have another North American friend with a British husband whose marriage is similar. Another excuse I made for him I guess.

Younger me had very intensely passionate and emotional relationships that were absolutely devastating when they ended.

It's becoming clearer now - that a big part of why I was attracted to him was because he was the opposite of what had hurt so much. As someone else said, I needed his coldness.

I can see you’ve been to couples counselling before. Did it go anywhere? Meaning, did it help in any way? Sometimes you need a few goes at it, as long as there is some kind of movement or progress

My partner is exactly this. Very generous and a very very high earner.

I am certain what brings him such financial success is his lack of emotions

op, so many things resonate with me. High earner, emotionally unavailable but actually a really decent guy etc etc. I would consider another round of therapy if you think it could help at all. If you don’t, I’d explore more of your feelings with your own therapist before you exit the relationship for good

He initiated it after I said I would leave.

He only really responds to anger.

It was helpful to a point. Three years later we are basically back in the same situation.

I don't think he understands what an emotional connection would even be as he "loves" his parents, siblings, kids etc but all of that is superficial too.

When our kids would accidentally hurt themselves his response would be anger versus concern. Think - why would you do that? Versus are you ok? To him it's showing he cares by teaching them to not do it again while any other person would just naturally comfort first, maybe discuss second.

Makes him sound even worse. He's just had such bad parenting modeling. I don't want to raise him

I am going to say something a bit different. If you leave, you will still be lonely and still have years of emotions to work through and process and still have problems. And you may not ever fall in love with someone or meet the right person, as you know, and that in fact it will be far more likely if you are sorted within yourself, if you have processed your back log of feelings and come to terms with everything.

So start doing the working out now, for yourself, before you think about leaving. Start writing out your feelings, start taking responsibility for understanding them and processing them, talk to someone if that would help, get yourself to a strong positive position inside yourself. Work out what you expect from a relationship, and how you think relationships should work, what would a healthy relationship look like, how you would achieve that with someone new if you met someone new, what sort of give and take would be needed.

And then see what you want to do.

It might be that if you get to this position, your dh will respond differently to you. Or that you will gain insights which make you decide to do your life differently and make good choices.

Your dh sounds nice but it definitely sounds like he has emotionally checked out, and it might be that he feel he gets nothing emotional from the relationship and that is why he doesn't emotionally invest. Or maybe he has things he hasn't processed and he doesn't know how to do love or healthy relationship - and once you have worked it out, you could explain it to him in a way which makes a difference to how he sees things.

I might be wrong but it sounds as though he wants you to take more responsibility over your wellbeing.

It also sounds like your problems are all getting mixed up. Some of the problems you refer to are things you should be tackling and some are more to do with a back log of feelings and underlying partner problems.

For example, I don't think it is okay for your dc to be mocking you over your cooking if you don't find it funny. It isn't funny unless everyone finds it funny. This shouldn't be confused with "they don't love me" though, it sounds like they dont know how to treat people who they love - and it is your job to tell them. So I think you need to be a bit assertive about this with dh and say nicely that you don't find it funny, say why you don't find it funny; and with your dc, tell them it isn't okay to laugh or mock, and tell them how to behave, this applies to how they treat everyone including you.

And he will pass it down to your kids. You would teach any girl that its ok to make do in emotionless relationships an any boy that that is the natural model.

I know loads of people on here will say LTB, but life just isn’t as simple as that. I really do empathise with a lot of what you are saying but if you feel like there was some progress a few years ago, it would be worth going again. You may ultimately feel like it’s not enough, and that’s fine, but just strikes me it could be worth revisiting.

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate it so much.

I am an assertive person. And I do those things you say. But it's met with eye rolls and don't be so sensitive. It's just a joke etc. or a double down on me not being able to take constructive criticism.

I am definitely lost about who I am. And that is part of the problem - I don't know what I want anymore.

In terms of taking responsibility for my own well being - that has been the default. I have to look after myself because no one else does. Sometimes feel like I have been dehumanised - in the way my younger self saw my mom as a mom and not a real person.. Until I grew up and realised she was an actual amazing woman with a life, history, wants, needs and dreams

I have no one to celebrate the highs or a safe space to share the lowest lows but so long as everything is stable and on the surface life ticks along.

Emotional avoidance is lauded by swathes of people but in my experience of emotional avoidants they are generally, not always, life’s takers.

Your marriage sounds so utterly lonely and he sounds ruthlessly selfish and self serving.

You sound lovely and very emotionally and fairness wise balanced given what you’ve experienced. You deserve better.

Yup. I’ve had more than one of these. I too felt like not much more than a poorly functioning household appliance and blow up doll in the bedroom as a result. And if I tried to say that, I would be looked upon as being unhinged/ridiculous/hysterical.

It’s awful.

He won’t change

Hugs to you @Londonisthebestcityintheworld. You are so brave and strong recognizing you need to recover from both your childhood and what's happened in your marriage.

I think sometimes, part of grief, is recognizing what we have that doesn't meet our needs. Your husband is not able to bring to the relationship what almost everyone needs - emotional connection, care, compassion.

The fact you feel like a prostitute is very very telling. It's huge. It means you feel subservient to his needs and that in any relationship is deeply problematic and if I'm honest, I don't think men who make women feel like that, often have capacity/desire to change. I'm not saying every relationship that needs to work on communication should end. I am saying that the way in which the transactions happen in your marriage, isn't emotionally safe for you and that means you aren't emotionally safe in the relationship.

It's hard to heal from the past if you are still living it now.

The steps of both getting help & of maybe leaving (and ensuring you have half for your future) can feel very daunting. I think you need to focus on very small steps.

1. Do not have sex if you don't want to. I think it's not about sex but I think it's having a very bad impact on you by continuing to be in that oppressive space for something so intimate.

2. Start to do something small every day for you. It could be as simple as a cup of tea & reading a book. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself good things about who you are. You need this.

3. Do you have a supportive friend who could give you those hugs you need and deserve? Think about who may be able to hear what you are saying here and feel love & compassion for you. Talk to them.

4. Get a counsellor who is very well verse in trauma affirming care. You need someone skilled to help you unpack all this.

5. When you are ready, see a lawyer. No rush. Don't tell your husband but see a lawyer who will just walk you through the steps. Who will help see you as a person who has a right to build a new, safe and supportive life.

Lastly, be radically compassionate towards yourself. You need & deserve that.

Marriage isn't supposed to be what you described.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on this. No, this isn't what marriage is. What a waste of a life, for both of you.

I don't see how you can help the marriage if he doesn't help himself first. If he won't help himself (maybe he doesn't have a problem with the way he is?) then there's absolutely nothing you can do. You can't have a relationship with someone who won't relate to you.

So sorry, OP.

This really hit home. Thank you.

This made me burst into tears.

What did you do? This is such a good description.

I can’t help noting that when you were in passionate relationships they didn’t last yet your cool marriage has lasted. You say DH shows up when you need him so maybe he shows his love through this support rather than his emotions. When you aren’t feeling emotional and upset do you share little chats and jokes, do you do things together? I find these are the things that build intimacy more than deep and meaningful talks about hopes and fears, which tbh most English men largely avoid.

Same and I've been with my husband 22 years

I am an assertive person. And I do those things you say. But it's met with eye rolls and don't be so sensitive. It's just a joke etc. or a double down on me not being able to take constructive criticism.

It seems from this that you believe you are an assertive person but you don’t act assertively. When you receive this response, that is the time to be assertive and state that laughing at someone is unkind and not the same as laughing with someone.

Your children should in no circumstances have been brought up to think that the behaviour you describe is acceptable in a loving and supportive family. They clearly have no idea about what is constructive criticism, and perhaps you haven’t either if you’ve let this continue without comment.

Your posts suggest that the family is completely at sea emotionally and each of you needs help.

My heart goes out to you @Londonisthebestcityintheworld . I've stood in a remarkably similar position to you and I feel for the state you are in right now.

I had a hideous childhood - both physically and mentally abusive (they usually go together). I went on to be in relationships and ultimately marry someone abusive. It was all that I knew! You will never change your husband. You can only change yourself. No amount of techniques or clever tactics will make him a different man. You are already smarter and braver than so many people as you have managed to be with him for so many years. You will have needed superb skills of resilience to have survived this far.

However, you can leave and you can carve a different life for yourself and feel calm and safe. You need to think carefully about it all and you need to see a counsellor who specialises in treating abused women.

Keep posting on here too. Sending you so many good wishes for your future.

Oh dear, I didn't mean for that to happen! I'm so sorry.

Maybe this is a turning point for you. I have Asian roots, I often think about how women were, and still are treated in marriage: dowries, no choice in whether or not to have children, required to do everything for everyone and put themselves down. I think they are indeed prostitutes and maids and therapists and teachers and cleaners. It's not a life. Their sole purpose on earth is to procreate and facilitate the advancement of others.

You have options. This doesn't need to be life for you. You can have more from your life, and you're only in your 40s. You don't have to loathe a man to divorce him. You can be fond of him, grateful to him, look back on your years together with gratitude and thanks. You can respect him for all his wonderful traits. And, you can accept that things have changed, people have changed, and it's time to move on. That your life is a series of chapters rather than one single thread from start to finish. It's YOUR life, you are in charge.

‘He doenst see me as a person’ impossible to be happy when living with someone who makes you feel like that

I vote leave. I has no husband and used to have a fiance that sounds like your husband. I’m a lot happier now than you are.