Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

[Londonisthebestcityintheworld]

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

I tried over the years. He'd clam up, go silent, so if find support outside the home. Eventually I guess I stopped talking.

What happened on the weekend was me talking about something emotional with a friend. I burst into tears while he was there.

So I do have people.

His lack of interest just broke me though.

God no, that sounds so grim! I don’t know about anyone else’s marriage but mine isn’t like that at all. Ups and downs sure but we earn the same and sex is very mutual.

No, never

Your husband does sound weird and unpleasant around expressing emotions, YANBU to think he is being so.

Honestly though, I think there are loads of people in marriages or couples, who are together through convenience, whether it's for children, or financial reasons or whatever.

I'm in my mid-30s, as is DH. We've been married for 14 years. We both had pretty shitty childhoods, his more run of the mill and mine is novel worthy. So we make an effort to be ourselves, and to not let the bad examples and influences of our childhoods affect our relationship now. You deserve so much more. Get yourself some solo therapy and build up to making your own life. You deserve freedom and respect 💐

I was about to ask this. I know many men who did, from a young age, and who have been detrimentally affected by it.

Is the lack of interest all emotional events or ‘just’ those that relate to you? Sorry to ask such a point blank qu.

From the other angle, perhaps he can be deeply immersed in eg non emotional events like your stamp collection hobby, and could discuss it for hours?

What is the point of your DH?

Crucially, the relationship does not meet any of your needs.

Start by not having sex you don’t want. Then some therapy. Sounds like you have some childhood trauma to unpick. 😢

I might get flamed but put that post in an AI chat box and see what comes back.

You don’t have to live like this.

Actually, I think the litmus test, is whether you would be happier single than with a person. If you would be happier single (including having less money / less time with your children / worse accommodation etc, if applicable)? If yes, it's probably better to end it. If not, it's better to stay. I think it's foolish if you're comparing your current life and relationship, to a life with a fictional new partner. There's no guarantee of meeting someone else, and if you do meet someone, they will have other issues no doubt.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on the thread. I've had a couple realisations.

I have no clue what is or is not ok to expect in terms of emotional support from a partner. I currently outsource everything that is not superficial.

PPD - therapist.
Father death - therapist.

And all in between - I have an excellent group of friends.

This weekend I was talking to one of these friends about something I've been going through which is quite difficult. I burst into tears. My husband ignored it. During the event. And after.

And it's caused this existential crisis. Its like I've suddenly realised how lonely I actually am and how I don't think I can carry on outsourcing every feeling I have. How selfish he is.

And its unraveling so many parts of our life. Things I hadn't put together are now suddenly linking up - and I'm like how did this become my life? From sex to household...

Self pity?!
What a cruel, ignorant and judgemental post. The very opposite of support.
Ignore this rudeness OP.
I am so sorry this is how your life has been.
I hope you can manage to get away from this situation. You definitely deserve better.

I'm so sad reading to read this.
You are entitled to happiness and hope for the future.
I hope your finances will permit this. After this a few years single would be a delight.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s certainly not my experience of marriage. Your husband sounds as if he has many good qualities, just not the ones you feel you really need. I’m guessing you may be in peri-menopause or possibly menopause and maybe this is why your emotions now feel so much harder to deal with. You say the family laugh at your cooking, is the laughter instigated by your husband, or is it just teen banter. I certainly remember going through the latter and whilst I laughed with them it often hurt, though I’m certain it was never their intention. It sounds like your husband is emotionally unavailable for you, is it possible that he may be on the autistic spectrum and whilst he can mirror what he believes is the correct behaviour with friends or work colleagues he is unable to maintain that cover when with you. Possibly Google (reputable sites only) some of the typical behaviours, of which there are many and then see where you could find some help if you think his traits might indicate it. Keep communication channels as open as possible between you, letting him know how bad you feel and if he won’t discuss things verbally maybe resort to a letter or email, when he can digest it in his own way. Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve things.

I concur with much of the above….

In my case I had quite a traumatic childhood where I learned not to burden others with my emotional needs. I was primed for emotional unavailability/neglect in my marriage. I was never shown true care and consideration growing up and became an over-giver.
Therapy is tough but worth it.
I'm unlearning, very slowly. It's a rewiring of the brain and heart.

I think the person I was when I met my exH probably believed what he had to offer was enough. But I think I was 'masking' self-sufficiency, and got to the point where I could no longer function like that.

Someone wrote upthread that maybe yourhusband just can't reach you/you can't receive his love. I don't know. I have thought about that myself.

I do know that my new partner makes loving me seem the easiest thing in the world though. I don't feel needy, unreasonable. But I am in therapy and have learned a lot.

Maybe it's just in/compatibility?
And people change.
And in my case, I do think my exH just fell out of love/stopped loving me.

Congratulations on writing it down and realising what it looks like - in particular your comment about him not seeing you as a person in the way he sees others. I think this is an important realisation. It's hard when you're in the midst of it all, and it's easy for us to sit here typing into a void saying to leave him, but you need to start building a life for yourself - even if you do it while staying in the marriage for the financial security. As others have said, you only get one life (this is sometimes really hard to remember because surely death only happens to other people etc etc). You need to be able to spend your time with people who recognise you as a person and who make you feel happy.

I just want to say marriage doesn’t have to be like this. Men are not all like this. Please don't put up with the crumbs. Life is way too short.

Bin him, he's no good for you and he knows it - but still doesn't care.
You deserve better, go for it

This.

Get yourself some serious therapy and leave. You deserve to be loved. He hasn’t and doesn’t not in the way you deserve.

This sounds a lot like me. Thank you so much for your time and sharing your story.

This is just how men are I think

Mine did, and whilst he’s generally very stoic and emotionally “stable”, he’s affectionate and still tells me he loves me every day. After 36 years.

OP marriage isn’t or doesn’t have to be like this; you deserve happiness, company and respect. Please go out and get it.

Is he single? How did this come about?

You need more out of the relationship than he's prepared to give. There's no reason to stay in a marriage that's making you miserable.

Time to take your life back.

My husband tells me he loves me. Just never during before or during sex. Their is no eye contact or other emotional intimacy.