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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

202 replies

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:34

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 03/02/2026 07:35

YABU for having a baby with a man who has shown you this behaviour repeatedly.

MidWayThruJanuary · 03/02/2026 07:36

He leaves.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/02/2026 07:39

I’m not really sure why you’re surprised to be honest. He’s repeatedly shown you who is is. I’d bet my mortgage he has acres of previous for letting his other children down. I expect he talks about his ex like he’s spoken about you this weekend, right?

I’m sorry op but it’s clear to me that this man will not be there for you or the baby and you’ll be doing this on your own.

Brewtiful · 03/02/2026 07:39

He currently knows your words don't match your actions. You say he needs to leave and yet your actions don't reflect that so why would he change.

He needs to leave and you need to mean it.

BogusBargins · 03/02/2026 07:40

He has chosen going out over his pregnant partner, knowing how hurt she is
He has chosen going out over his own children, knowing they’d be sat waiting to be picked up
He had chosen going out over his responsibilities for what I’m guessing is drugs…

Time for you to choose.

Passaggressfedup · 03/02/2026 07:40

What can we say OP? If you were not expecting and about to give birth, it would be a case of just breaking up with a bad boyfriend, moving on and forgetting all about it.

But you did choose to have a baby with that man and inevitably it makes everything much more complicated.

Do you have people around you who can advise and support you?

devildeepbluesea · 03/02/2026 07:40

Why do you need advice about this?

greencheetah · 03/02/2026 07:41

DaisyChain505 · 03/02/2026 07:35

YABU for having a baby with a man who has shown you this behaviour repeatedly.

Yep!

Original poster
Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:42

@Passaggressfedup I have one friend I speak to but I’m too embarrassed to speak to anyone else about it. I know what you’re all saying is true and he needs to go. I really thought he had changed and things have been much better since before Christmas but the change didn’t last.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 03/02/2026 07:42

Follow through and leave. What a selfish waste of space prick he is. Don’t endure another minute of this waste of space, and please don’t subject your children to him.

TheIceBear · 03/02/2026 07:45

That sounds awful. Why on earth are you having a baby with this person ? I never understand why people decide to bring another child into situations like this .

ASometimeThing · 03/02/2026 07:45

Obviously he’s in the wrong. That’s putting it mildly.

Why on earth are you having another baby and with him as the deadbeat dad?

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 03/02/2026 07:46

You saw his actions and still chose to have a baby with this man. The fact you’re asking for advice on this is a joke.

Original poster
Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:46

@TheIceBear the baby wasn’t planned but I do understand what you are saying.
he is very good at manipulating the situation and make me think I am somehow to blame

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 03/02/2026 07:47

How is it even in who question who is in the wrong? End it now.

YAVU to have a baby with this man. Yet another shitshow of a situation and a poor child being born into it.

I really thought he had changed and things have been much better since before Christmas but the change didn’t last. you mean last Christmas, that was all of 6 or 7 weeks ago or so? Slow clap.

Miloarmadillo2 · 03/02/2026 07:48

He’s not going to be a reliable or supportive father. You need to concentrate on you and the baby at the moment - what other support do you have around you? Pick someone else (mum? Friend?) to be your birth partner and call in some favours to help at home as you recover. He’s not going to change - no decent man abandons the heavily pregnant mother of his child for days on end.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 03/02/2026 07:48

Start planning to be a single parent. Reach out to your friends and family and ditch the boyfriend.
Quite bluntly, I would ask about being sterilised whilst you are in hospital if that’s an option. Don't get pregnant again, concentrate on the existing children you have.

Lookingdownthebarrell · 03/02/2026 07:50

What do you need advice on though, more ways to change him? (don’t bother see answer to next question) Do we think he will change (nope, despite your efforts and what he’s showed you about himself while you’re 36 weeks pregnant, if he’d wanted to he’d have changed before now). Or whether you should leave him? (A resounding YES).

Don't be embarrassed about your decisions to give him repeated chances and take him back. Your actions are from love or nativity or your own wants. Now it’s time to be angry. Go tell your friends and family that you should have listened to them then, but you will now and ask them to help you leave.

you’re not the prick, he is, don’t be embarrassed

PersephonePomegranate · 03/02/2026 07:50

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:46

@TheIceBear the baby wasn’t planned but I do understand what you are saying.
he is very good at manipulating the situation and make me think I am somehow to blame

Then you need to start far, far away from men in future.

Fidgety31 · 03/02/2026 07:51

Your poor children. And then you decided to bring another one into this shit show.

Great lives they’re all heading for - not.

literally the only single thing you should be focusing your energy on now is to protect your kids from this loser - permanently.

But I fear you will just carry on as you are tbh.

Freysimo · 03/02/2026 07:51

I'm sorry for you OP, but my God, these threads are depressing. You and your children are worth more than this, can you not see that? Why are women still letting men walk all over them? I think we need lessons in school about self worth.

pinkdelight · 03/02/2026 07:51

It sounds horrendous and you and the baby and all the other kids don’t need this level of conflict in their lives. He won’t change. In case you’ve not noticed, people like this don’t and more often get worse. His old self is himself. Don’t be fooled or manipulated any longer. You’ve had years of shit already and broken up before. How much more do you need to clock that this is how it is and it needs to end and stay ended. Make plans today and stick to them for good.

TheIceBear · 03/02/2026 07:54

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:46

@TheIceBear the baby wasn’t planned but I do understand what you are saying.
he is very good at manipulating the situation and make me think I am somehow to blame

Of course he is in the wrong when you are 36 weeks pregnant and having pains. He sounds absolutely useless and not someone you can really on to mind a tiny newborn

liamharha · 03/02/2026 07:54

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:34

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

He thinks he can do what he wants cos your pregnant and he believes your trapped by this ,,are drugs involved op ? It would fit with staying out all night and disappearing acts .

Original poster
Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:56

@liamharha yes and alcohol

OP posts: