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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

219 replies

foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:33

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 02/02/2026 21:35

Can’t really comment without more details!

Rachie1973 · 02/02/2026 21:37

I think your kneejerk reaction will do more harm than good.

I think DH is right in that the first port of call should be a chat with DSD about toning it down.

I think you’re also a little naive over what your 13 year old already knows!

SneakyGremlin · 02/02/2026 21:37

I mean I talk about everything with my brother but we're both adults.

I think you need to explain to DD that it's not appropriate for her to ask or be told details of whatever DSD gets up to.

Step5678 · 02/02/2026 21:38

Well step one is surely to talk with your step daughter and point out that these conversations are not appropriate for a 13 year old. To effectively block their sisterly relationship before doing so does seem a bit extreme.

It sounds as though your daughter is curious and your step daughter is an over-sharer. Do you suspect something more sinister?

Doggymummar · 02/02/2026 21:39

That's exactly what older sisters are for!

Original poster
foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:44

CurlewKate · 02/02/2026 21:35

Can’t really comment without more details!

I obviously can’t post their messages but details of sexual activity she’s had and with who

Her casual relationship with an older women who dd knows well and that she’s been regularly paid by a man dd also knows and what for.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 02/02/2026 21:46

My sister was 4 years older than me and during my teenage years she told me everything she got up to. If my mum would have overheard she’d have told her to pack it in but that would have been it. I really wouldn’t stop them seeing each other.

Aliceisagooddog · 02/02/2026 21:46

I'm with you op. Protect your daughter. Very inappropriate.

Aliceisagooddog · 02/02/2026 21:47

Also, if dsd is paid she is a prostitute?

Princessoflitchenstein · 02/02/2026 21:49

foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:44

I obviously can’t post their messages but details of sexual activity she’s had and with who

Her casual relationship with an older women who dd knows well and that she’s been regularly paid by a man dd also knows and what for.

Show quote history

So your DSD has told a sibling that she is a sex worker or gets paid for sex work and your husband thinks that ok? I have an older DSS and a younger son if this happens eg he told him he was paid for sex work or was paying for it - I absolutely would take his phone and block his number. So would my husband. That’s absolutely not ok 13 is not 16 or 18.

Original poster
foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:50

Rachie1973 · 02/02/2026 21:37

I think your kneejerk reaction will do more harm than good.

I think DH is right in that the first port of call should be a chat with DSD about toning it down.

I think you’re also a little naive over what your 13 year old already knows!

I’m not naive to what she knows, I have spoken to her about sex but she doesn’t need to know specific intimate details about what an adult is doing and with who.

OP posts:
Aliceisagooddog · 02/02/2026 21:51

I'm sorry but this could be grooming. Imagine if it was dss? Would everyone be so relaxed?

Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2026 21:52

How old is the stepdaughter?

Original poster
foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:53

NerrSnerr · 02/02/2026 21:46

My sister was 4 years older than me and during my teenage years she told me everything she got up to. If my mum would have overheard she’d have told her to pack it in but that would have been it. I really wouldn’t stop them seeing each other.

I think it would be completely different if dsd was only 17 rather than an adult or if she was just having normal teen relationships and sex.

OP posts:
Daytimenighttime · 02/02/2026 21:54

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned OP.

I would also question whether your DSD is actually " happy " as you say. Going out and getting drunk, indulging in risky behaviour, having sex with multiple people and being paid for sexual acts doesn't sound like the behaviour of a " happy" person.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 02/02/2026 21:55

Aliceisagooddog · 02/02/2026 21:46

I'm with you op. Protect your daughter. Very inappropriate.

Sometimes I wonder if mumsnet is on another planet or something. People are really saying it's fine for her adult sister to share such intimate details with a 13 year old???

@foralliknow you have every right to be upset. Depending on your relationship with dsd it may be worth having a conversation with her first to say how you're not happy that she is sharing such details and see if you can reach a reasonable agreement without ending the relationship but of course if she insists on continuing then yes you should block her and make changes.

Aliceisagooddog · 02/02/2026 21:55

foralliknow · 02/02/2026 21:53

I think it would be completely different if dsd was only 17 rather than an adult or if she was just having normal teen relationships and sex.

Show quote history

Also, a step sibling is different to a full sibling, especially in terms of risk for abuse

FunnyOrca · 02/02/2026 21:58

That’s disturbing content. Someone needs to have a word with the step-daughter. I understand why your daughter thinks it’s ok, but an adult should know better. I’m disturbed anyone is putting this stuff in writing.

Netcurtainnelly · 02/02/2026 22:07

Grim and it's not normal. My sister never discussed these things with me they were private.
Some people are disgusting today. Anything goes.

crazeekat · 02/02/2026 22:08

I’m in very similar position op and I hate it. There’s not much that can be done, the more I try to keep her away from this person the worse my 13 year old becomes. It’s an awful situation to be in when you are only trying to protect them.

stichguru · 02/02/2026 22:10

Can you just have a word with DSD and say that while it's lovely she is close to DD, what she is sharing is not appropriate to DD given her age?

I mean I have a 13 year old son, and I think you are totally right that it isn't appropriate. However from what you've said about your step-daughter, she is maybe rather immature for her age? You haven't said her age, but I imagine she's not like 30 or something, is she like 18 ish? I can imagine an immature 18-19 year old feeling that a mature 13 year old was their age and not really thinking about the things that weren't appropriate.

I'd jump on it quickly though because, if someone say at school got wind of it, they would probably have to report it and your step-daughter could well end up on the sex offenders register with a life-long criminal record baring her from work and other situations involving children.

Sunshine1500 · 02/02/2026 22:12

I wouldn’t have a sex worker messaging my 13 year old details of their clients (regardless if they were family or not)

TrixieFatell · 02/02/2026 22:15

I'm very open and honest and am all for having honest discussions about sex and relationships. However this does not feel right to me at all and I'm really surprised others can't see an issue with an adult talking in very graphic terms about sex with a child.

Crystalovertherainbow · 02/02/2026 22:16

This sounds like sexting....very disgusting tbh...don't leave them together alone

disappointed124 · 02/02/2026 22:17

I think you’re being incredibly naive. Your 13 year old will hear all this at school anyway. Please don’t wreck their relationship- if you haven’t already.