Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

Eh?
I still take my 16 year old daughter's phone at night.
Will do so until 18.
No need for temptation and using phone in the night when they need to sleep!
Wish someone would take mine! 🤣

You are right to be very concerned, it's totally inappropriate. But what's more concerning is that your husband is ok with his daughter being a prostitute. What kind of man and father is he, and why aren't you appalled by him being ok with that?

This is horrendous and worrying. It's clearly grooming. Your DSD is on a bad path re prostitution and sexual talk with a child. She'd never see my child again!

Exactly this.

Your minimising of the situation is quite telling. Also the child is 13 not 14.

.

You think it’s ok for a 13 year old to be alone in a room with their phone at night, what is wrong with everyone? Does no one care what kids can see?

Op, I’m with you, it’s totally wrong and at age 21 she should know this! I would talk to her and say that you don’t tell details like that to a 13 year old. You Dd is likely to look up to her Ss and she’s not setting a good example

Be careful with some of the replies on this thread, OP.

As soon as the word “step” is used, people lose all sense and will defend, excuse and minimise all sorts of behaviour.

This feels like grooming to me.

I have no idea how you navigate this, but if it were me, my child and I would be taking an indefinite break from seeing stepdaughter.

Blocking her from your DD’s phone was absolutely the right thing to do.

She's 13 & you don't monitor messages she exchanges with an adult who is as you describe. The mind boggles. Thankfully you did take time to see the inappropriate exchanges or I dread to think how it could have ended.

I would be having a diplomatic chat with dsd letting her know at age 13 you monitor her phone & feel she is too young to be party to her well meaning messages. I say this as someone who generally advocates for stepchildren to be accepted & treated as one of your own.

What offence do you think has been committed, based on the facts presented?

For all those brushing it off, how would you feel it the situation was an adult male and 13 year old boy? Grim isn't it?

That’s really unacceptable and I cannot believe your husband thinks this is ok.

I would be livid. DSD seems to be a bit stupid.

Yes this. Who the heck is this man?! 😲 I wouldn't want him having any contact with DD at all (nothing realistically you can do about DSD).

I'd be concerned your DD is being groomed by DSD for prostitution. Not necessarily deliberately IYKWIM, I'm not saying DSD has malicious intentions, but it's maybe happening by default because of the over sharing. Those paying DSD could be encouraging it too, for all you know. DD growing up hearing prostitution being talked about like it's normal, isn't good.

DSD sounds like someone with no boundaries, which is generally learned in childhood I think, so bad parenting. No boundaries so getting up to all sorts like it's normal and over sharing it like that's normal too. I've known teens/20's who'd go out for the evening with no money, relying on men buying drinks and paying the taxi home using other methods. It's always the ones with sketchy upbringing. I don't know of anyone with a sound, entirely normal upbringing, without any parental neglect (or worse), who did it.

Blocking her won't work. DD will just unblock her, delete any messages sent/received, then reblock. You'll never know. I'm not sure what you can do about it, but I'd not be happy about it. ATEOTD she's only one drunken night out away (with DSD and Mr Shady), from getting involved in it herself. That's the worrying part. I imagine DD is asking for details for gossip if she knows these people DSD is involved with. That's why I say it's kind of accidental on DSD's part, if DD is actively asking for the information.

DSD is the adult though and she needs better boundaries so she can understand what is and isn't appropriate to share with DD. Goodness knows how you teach a 21yr old boundaries, who thinks everything is fine and can't see when she's being exploited, though.

Who is minimising anything? There needs to be some action taken by OP and DH, but leaping to ‘report it’ is weak and useless and won’t actually protect the DD in the way some seem to think. Actually communicating with her will be more likely to build trust and support between mother and daughter, so that DD can tell her mum if she’s upset by the messages, or by any other behaviour from DSD.

Would you still feel the same if ut was a male step sibling? I think not.

@Dollymylove OP is seriously NOT HAPPY about this situation and has blocked SD's number from her daughter's phone. She's also at loggerheads with her husband about it. You're talking to her as though you don't understand that.

Yes, she says she is supportive of her SD but she's clearly not supportive in this behaviour.

All of this. It's shocking that OP isn't more worried about the fact that her DSD is clearly vulnerable and disordered around sex and relationships.

What's especially worrying, OP, is the fact that your DD apparently knows the dirty punter who is paying your DSD for sex? I'd be worried that DSD is grooming your DD into doing the same in the near future, possibly for that same man.

It’s a matter for concern, but I think you have over reacted
Time for lots of talking

I get the impression that the daughter is not shared by OP and DH. Maybe he'd take it more seriously if she were.

It’s definitely a safeguarding concern for your daughter. As others have said it’s a concern do your step daughter too - your husband needs to somehow understand this and support her

@foralliknow how would you handle it if she wasn’t your SD? And both your daughters? They are sisters, I think you’ve overrracted. Why don’t you just talk to sd about what’s appropriate to say?

I am in two minds about this - it depends on how sensible your DD is and how explicit your DSD is.
I was a teenager in the 1960s - most of my school friends (I was at an all girl's convent school) were pretty savvy about boys and "heavy petting" by 14 - (when I went to collage at age 16 there was a boy in my class who had become a father at 14).
Maybe it's better she hears about the problems and dangers for a girl from someone near her own age - she's more likely to take serious notice from them than from a parent figure IMHO.

If you’d read the thread…

OP’s concern is rightly for her 13 year old, not the adult woman sending her inappropriate messages. Why is she regaling a child, sister or not, with stories about prostitution? I would seriously wonder if this woman is grooming her because she thinks she can make money as a pimp.

OP’s stepdaughter may or may not be a victim, but she a victim can also be a perpetrator and pose a threat to those around them. Ultimately, she is an adult that is free to make her own decisions, positive or negative. OP isn’t in a position to save this woman from herself (if she even wants saving), but she can protect her child.

There is definitely evidence of a crime.

This to me is the most concerning aspect - how does your DD know the man paying your 21 SD for sex? And the older woman? It all sounds very inappropriate and worrying and I'd be wanting to get my daughter far away from all of these people before she follows her step sister down the same path.

One of my daughter's school friends used to go out with much older men just because they bought her stuff and took her to expensive places. DD told me that her parents were very religious and restrictive. Another had a druggy dad and an unloving stepmother. These were kids at the local girl's grammar...
I was pleased that my daughter was open about her friends and we could talk together about their problems.