Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

I agree with you, OP - your step daughter is not someone to have around a 13 year old.

If anything, as an older sister, she should be sensitive and thoughtful of what she is saying, as your daughter is still very little and some information of this sort is absolutely unnecessary and even dangerous.

I think you done the right thing, I would also not be thrilled having a prostitute telling about her work/ babysitting my child. I would also, in place of your DH, would be very alarmed and worried about my child choosing this path.

I don't think you should be spying on private conversations between step siblings.

I would step carefully but I also think this is some kind of grooming - its so massively inappropriate I would consider contacting the police. You have no idea - your DSD is so obviously screwed up/ lacking inhibition/ consideration for your child she might decide to introduce your daughter to some of the "fun" she is having.

Yes - completely normal.

In your shoes, you and your DH need to sit your DSD down and begin by saying “are you aware we periodically check DD’s phone?”

She may well cover her embarrassment by saying that it is outrageous and an invasion of privacy. Explain you do so for safeguarding reasons, and it’s just as well you do, considering what you’ve read.

Get your DSD to cast her mind back to who she was at 13. Point out that while some kids are sexually active at 13 (perhaps she was) ask her to think about whether this is too early. Remind her that while in the fullness of time you’d love to see them have another adult friendship, that at the moment she has a responsibility to be appropriate around DD and to think about what she is teaching her by example.

Then sit down with DD. Blast through the embarrassment and then tell her that DSD is an adult and has made her choices, but that this isn’t the only way to have a love life. That it’s more usual to find someone who makes you happy and when there’s a commitment to move on from there. That DSD probably wanted to seem glamorous and grown up and exciting (as a side note I am curious as to why, at her age, she feels the urge to boast about her conquests to a child of 13) but that it was not appropriate and that you have told her so. That you would appreciate her not passing these stories on to her friends. I mention this last one as if a child comes home with information about sex that it’s hard to understand how they have, a parent could raise a safeguarding concern with the school. In fact, situations like this are at the back of lots of safeguarding reports to schools.

This is exactly the issue.

that she hears that sex work with an older male known to the family is totally cool/normal including being coached into how to do it/ detailed descriptions of sex from an older step sibling she probably looks upto as a female role model.

I would be going NC will this man for all of the family with immediate effect and telling him I know what he is upto so he should stay away!

talking to your D about your worries and concerns and explaining sex work is not normal or that older males (or females) known to the family approaching her for sexual favours in return for cash of gifts is a hard no and she should know that you are the first person she should tell and you will help her navigate it.

A gentle conversation with you DSD and directing her to one of the charities set up to help people leave prostitution might also be an option?
https://www.newfriendsnewlife.org/women

As for your husband being ok with all of this only you know if you can accept his morals and boundaries as a life partner and his unwillingness to keep DD safe?

and yes of course they can watch porn and see things on an iphone but this is a close relationship with someone that is a REAL LIFE ROLE MODEL for the DD.

IMO that’s not the same thing at all……..

Well, thank God the OP did.

A 21 year old should not be having explicit conversations about sex with a 13 year old, regardless of their relationship. OP was right to check her daughter's phone.

Monitoring a 13-year-old's phone is essential to protect them from online predators, cyberbullying, and exposure to inappropriate content, as they often lack the maturity to navigate these risks safely. It also helps manage screen time to prevent issues like anxiety, depression, and sleep disruption. Key reasons include preventing grooming, ensuring digital safety, and monitoring interactions with peers.

not “spying” on your 13 year old child often leads to terrible concequences as any of these issues have gone to far by the time the parent discovers the issue!

This.
Perfect response Somersetlady.
And it certainly sounds like the DSD needs some parental guidance despite her age. Could that have been lacking in her earlier years? Yes, she an adult and over the age of consent but that doesn’t make her any less vulnerable does it?!

Im the middle of 3 sisters who shared a bedroom and we NEVER discussed our sex lives. I def didn't want to know what they were up to, as adults we may discuss our relationships/issues but not sex! Why would I want to??

OP i do think your DH needs to speak yo his daughter and put a full stop to any sex talk. As others have said talking about intimate sexual acts with a child is a crime and it is a form if sexual abuse/exploitation. Kids sharing with kids CAN be prosecuted, adults sharing with kids is definitely overstepping and a serious crime.
Also telling her about being paid for sex, and her knowing the sex acts of people she knows is just SO unacceptable.

Edited to add extra info.

So Dsd prostitutes herself out of boredom and have sex with an older woman you all know. I'm sorry @foralliknow but I would allow no contact whatsoever btw her and your dd unless supervised by an adult. Dsd is older and is supposed to be a role model for your daughter. I had the same age gap with my niece and I wouldn't dream of having told her inappropriate stuff I had been up to!

Your Dsd sounds very immature if she "brags" about this to her younger sister. It's very wicked and I would have a stern talk to her about boundaries and also ask her how she is coping with life. It's not normal to be a sex worker- something must have gone wrong somewhere.

OP it is!! Its called decent parenting.

DH is right. You need to talk to saw and remind her that even though t they are sisters she needs to edit the things she talks to dd about as she is still a child.

blocking her is overkill and heavy handed. Just have a conversation ffs, you can be firm or even angry and let her know you are disappointed expect her to have better judgment. But I think blocking her won’t get the outcome you want. The opposite even.

id also check if dsd is ok, as she is engaging in some risky behaviours.

Well she is. Being paid for sex means you are a prostitute.

Not sure I would give much weight to the dad’s view considering the end result of his parenting style.

There's talking about sex - and then there's talking about sex work. One of these might be suitable w a 13 year old if done carefully in a limited way, the latter is not and the OP is right to be very concerned.

This. Why is no one worried about DSD

I'm biased as I've seen something similar happen before, but this for me would be a huge safeguarding issue. I don't believe DSD has your childs best interests at heart here and I think it needs to stop.

This.

Has your DH actually read the messages so that he is fully aware of what is being shared?

There is no way on this Earth that I would I sit back and allow a 21 year old to share details of their sexual encounters with my 13 year old. Then add in details of sex work and sexual acts with adults that your younger dd knows. I’d be effing livid.

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and start parenting both his DDs.

A 21 year old young woman sharing this with her much younger sister is seeking something…attention, validation, support?

I'm with your husband he needs to tell her to not be discussing inappropriate details with your young teenage daughter.
However, I would suggest that someone needs to talk to her about her behaviour generally and making sure that she's safe. You say she had an erratic childhood. Where's her mother in this? Just because she's a young adult doesn't mean they should stop guiding her

@foralliknow who is dd having sex with? older or peer group? several or one? All these matter. and perhaps she considers dsd a young aunt? It feels like you are taking a hammer to the wrong nail. You stopping dd telling her ss about her sex life will not stop her doing it nor will it get her to do it safely. she will find ways, if she is a teller (some people are) she will tell/ask either ss or friends or even strangers online. Which one i safer? What kind of responses does dsd give and just how old is dsd? Perhaps the solution is to talk to dsd calmly about whats ok or not but be reasonable. if she searches online for answers she will be far more vulnerable

What offence do you think has been committed, based on the facts presented?

Dsd needs a reminder of her age.

However you say Dd appears to be seeking out this info which means she will go elsewhere for this info if she wants it or hide it better. Convo needed there aswell.

Is she ok TikTok? Rebecca Goodwin could be someone she’s following and watching.

I wouldn't want a prostitute around my 13 year old Daughter. Why the fuck are you so ok with this??

Rebecca Goodwin is foul.