Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

Then don’t do it, that’s up to you.

Everyone makes different choices.

In this case, it’s fortunate that the OP did see the messages.

Jesus Christ, read the thread.

Do you mean the OP? I don’t think she sounds OK with it. She found out at 9.30pm last night, so 22 hours ago. Her daughter hasn’t had her phone since then.

Just looked this up. Wow.

Wholly inaccurate

Yeh you are definitely an “amateur”!

then the algorithms will take her down the rabbit hole.

I think a conversation needs to be had with both DD and DSD. I’m also surprised that your husband isn’t more concerned. Even if your DSD doesn’t have any bad intentions by it she’s normalising this kind of thing to your DD. An adult discussing details of their sex life and sex work is not appropriate. You’ve mentioned that DSD didn’t have a good childhood and that she can be erratic - personally I would have a conversation about her MH and suggest counselling. I don’t think sex work is something that people just get into because they’re “bored”.

Children seek information from all available sources. If you block step daughter, your child may potentially find the information she is curious about online or from a school friend. It might be better coming from a family member than someone who you don't know or does not have contact

Yup. Especially once you end up on the her buying property and such which to young girls can be very much sex can buy me houses and a Porsche.

Without seeing the dangers.

You really can't figure out who a 13 year old will hand her phone over to at night and why???

You’re in the right OP. You need to protect your daughter !

Obviously a 21 year old telling a 13 year old their shag diary is wrong. I would be hesitant to use the word grooming but I haven’t seen these messages and don’t know the facts.

What is very concerning is this man who’s paying her for sex? He’s older and a family friend from the sounds of it? Has your DSD known him since she was a minor? If so this definitely sounds like grooming and if she has been groomed that would go some way in explaining her inappropriate behaviour towards your DD.

Does your husband know about this specific element? Does he know this man? If the answer to these is yes and he’s still okay with it I would be questioning why he thinks this is okay.

Not ideal, but my primary concern would be for your sd.

Just to going through and reading replies

And although I know it is the definition I wouldn’t refer to her as a prostitute, I was already aware of that situation and as far as I was aware it is one arrangement with one man ‘for fun’ that she would be choosing to sleep with regardless. I know it is still worrying but I don’t believe she is relying on sex for money or that she was in anyway trying to recruit dd.

Of course I am concerned for dsd (as is dh, who is her father) but there is really only so much we can do. She has been offered every form of therapy or treatment, to move back here, any support she needs she would get but she doesn’t want any and is adamant she is happy/fine. She is actually doing considerably better than she was a few years ago, - she’s working, has lots of hobbies and lots of from what I can see positive friendships. Day to day - she wouldn’t present as vulnerable if you met her, I feel all we can do is let her get on with it and hope it is something she grows out of and that she doesn’t get seriously hurt in the mean time.
And we do know similarly aged young people and it isn’t unheard of for them to regularly promiscuous and stupid, even if there parents don’t know about it.

• if people had suggestions on how we can make her stop though I would be happy to receive them. Ultimately though dd has to be priority.

I'd understand posters saying it's not a big deal, she'll find out anyway, if it was a big sister saying stuff about which base she got to with her boyfriend. But this is an adult prostitute talking about her experiences with a client to a younger sibling. An older sister is actually worse than a friend because younger siblings tend to look up to older ones in awe, and there will be much more trust there which makes 13yo DD more vulnerable.

Also, how do we know the guy paying DSD for sex isn't pushing for DSD to entice the 13 year old into thinking it's a good idea to join in?! More likely given he knows the 13yo girl. I bet he would pay a lot of money for that, which is enticing for both DSD and 13yo (the latter because she gets to be "cool" like her big sister and get money too).

I wouldn't block DSD on your daughter's phone OP, but I would confront her and say it's really not on, and outline consequences if she doesn't stop, which would of course eventually involve blocking contact. I would also tell your DH that he needs to talk to DSD about her choices and see if she's OK - her behaviour is not that of a happy, confident 21 year old.

I'm thankful I had brothers who told me ZERO, in that case.

I was on the fence, but having read this update completely with you OP.
You dont share sexual details of your relationships or "being paid" (is she an escort??) with your 13 year old sister. Surely DSD can have ADULT conversations on that topic with friends her own age, and talk to her sister about plenty of other aspects of her life.
I dont get how your DH is so complacent and doesn't see anything wrong. But sadly if he doesn't support you, your DD will resent you for it now (and hopefully understand when she gets older). Sorry you've been put in this position, you're right to be concerned x

How did you jump to assuming she's a sex worker?!!

You need a chat with the step daughter and a chat with your daughter.

OP said she’s paid for sex by an older man who is a family friend… That’s prostitution.

Hell would freeze over before I condoned any prostitute sharing tales with my 13yo OP. I’m guessing SD has had a very troubled upbringing but that doesn’t mean she gets to ruin your DD’s.

You don’t understand why a 13 year old isn’t allowed access to a phone overnight? Jeez

Wait is she a step sibling or a half sister? Is your partner dad to both? That would change my answer…

Wow having seen more of your updates OP, I cant wrap my head around your DSD so openly sharing with her own father (and you) that she's sleeping around with various people and being paid for sex (even if not in a "sex worker" type arrangement). I couldnt imagine sharing this kind of stuff with my family, it would be so embarrassing and cringey and just...wrong. It's good she didn't accept your offer to move back in, for everyone's sake, especially your DDs.

This is a real safeguarding concern and your dsd needs to know that the family could be reported to social services, and it could even be considered a criminal offence to share this kind of graphic information with a 13 year old.

She needs to stop immediately.