Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

Thirteen-year-olds are already discussing sex in great depth with friends and older contacts, so if you remove her access to talking these topics through with DSD, she will just do the talks with someone else. Or worse, she will go online and have the talks with strangers who may lure her into unsafe situations.

It is better and safer she talks to DSD, by far. It's good that she has her.

I am a literary editor in one of my jobs; as such, I receive many scripts from teens. Many are into fantasy, romance and erotica writing. And this can start as early as 11 or 12 these days! The books are not less sexually knowledgeable or adventurous than those I receive from adults.

Knowing about sex is not going to entice her to do these things, but trying to shield her too much will make her want to experiment or even rebel.

Have a gentle talk with DSD, but a positive talk.

I'd say that I came across DD's phone and 'I was amazed to see what you two talk about, even X and Y! I have to say, thank you for helping DD to understand these issues better! But if I could ask for one thing, it's that you don't go into details about Z, but I am not asking you to stop talking about sex and XYZ in general because it's obvious she gets a lot of good sisterly insights from you.'

Oh, absolutely. I 100% have to wonder if the DSD is grooming the DD, either purposely and maliciously, or inadvertently. Either way, sharing those sorts of stories is hugely unacceptable and abusive if she's sharing details.

The fact that DSD and DD both know the man who is paying DSD for sex is bizarre and a massive concern though. Who is this guy, and in what way does DD know him??

But it was unfair of me to say OP should be more worried about DSD - I should have said, why is DSD's father not more concerned, as it's his child. OP just seemed strangely blasé about it.

YANBU. You didn’t give anywhere enough detail in your original post, but finding out that your stepdaughter is 21 and sharing explicit details of her sordid sex life and sex work with a 13 year old is absolutely not acceptable.

It’s completely inappropriate. It doesn’t matter that 13 year olds are aware if the existence of such things, the point is that a much older adult is sharing extremely personal and specific details.

Quite frankly this feels like grooming. At best she is normalising/promoting dangerous and degenerate sexual behaviour, and sexual exploitation.

Definitely don’t let her unsupervised with your children, no matter how much it offends your husband. This is NOT normal, the age gap is too big.

I’m a talker. It’s part of my warmth and charmth.
lol
When I was little, maybe 10 or 11, my sister bet me that I couldn’t shut up for 24 hours.
I took her up on that bet.
I was hanging out with the neighbour girl, and writing down everything instead of talking out loud. I wrote that I had gotten into my parent’s liquor cabinet and drank (I think) vodka. I wrote several other pages of notes as well, just little girls chattering about their lives.
I casually threw the notes away when I got home. I didn’t give them a second thought.
Later on, my parents called me in for a talk, asking about the vodka I had drunk. I told them the truth - that I was just jabbering, making up stories, that I hadn’t drank the vodka. I swore to them I hadn’t touched the vodka. That was the truth - I was just being silly.
My parents didn’t believe me, and I was punished.
I’ve never forgotten that I swore to my parents that I was telling them the truth, and they punished me anyway.
I tell you this @foralliknow for the obvious reasons. Your stepdaughter might just be acting silly or be showing off.
I hope you’ll believe her when she swears she’s telling you the truth.

If the 21 year old is making up stories about her sex life to tell her 13 year old step sister that is not much less disturbing really though?

I'm assuming they share a father.

There’s a difference between conversations between peers, and a 21 year old woman thinking it’s in any way acceptable to detail her sex life/prostitution to a child. The suggestion that it is inherently safer or better is fucking ludicrous. The stepsister could very easily pose a significantly greater threat precisely because she is someone her stepsister trusts, as if that means she couldn’t or wouldn’t be prepared to manipulate and hurt her stepsister.

This is exactly what OP should be protecting her from.

But nothing here says the op is overly restrictive, she sounds like a very normal parent and her dh sounds far too relaxed. Nor do op and her dh sound like druggies or unloving step parents. So they probably want to be bringing their child up normally which is NOT basically starting to groom them it’s normal to perform sexual acts with people if they’re willing to pay!

This

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down

Your DH thinks it is normal for a sibling to detail their work as a prostitute to another sibling, let alone a much younger one😳. And you are here asking if YABU?

If phones didn't exist you would never have known that your teenager and her older sister were having these conversations. And that would have been a good thing. Teenagers are naturally curious, and your daughter is lucky she has an older sister she trusts. Knowing about these things does not mean she will want to do these things. And don't kid yourself: the information is available at the press of a button, if not on your daughter's device, then on the devices of her friends. You cannot shield her from this knowledge unless you lock her in a windowless tower.

Because 13yr olds shouldn’t have their phone in their bedroom at night. Really basic parenting.

This is very weird behaviour from a 21 year old woman. I thought DSD was about 17 from your first post. I would be quite worried about DSD.

I think you need to speak to DD about what she has been told and gauge what she thinks about it all. If she thinks her step sister is an oddball who does yucky things that DD likes to gossip about with her friends then you have less of a problem (although really not nice behaviour from DD). If she admires her DSD and is attracted to her lifestyle choices then you have a bigger problem.

Half, not step

Does OP say that? It's not clear to me whether her DH is her daughter's father or not.

OP called them sisters, which implies they are actually sisters. Stepsisters are not actually related

Because she’s 13 and no 13 year old needs to have their phone in their bedroom overnight! It’s called sensible parenting.

I would ask dsd to remember her age and not give so much detail. I wouldnt have blocked her. That is an over reaction amd will likely push your dd away.

I'm not sure that DNA relationship is relevant

First port of call is to speak to your step-daughter with your husband, and explain to her that some of the content of her messages to her younger sister is inappropriate. As an older sister she shouldn't be sharing intimate information with a 13 year old or that she's been paid by some she's having sex with.

Being paid for sex or sexual acts, is prostitution. Now, that's not normal behaviour for the average adult. I would be questioning the step-daughter over her decisions, as a concerned parent (or at least your husband should). I'd be wondering if the step-daughter is quite as happy with her life as she makes out.

A conversation with your daughter is required regarding healthy relationships, and to dispell any ideas that sex work, is somehow glamorous or 'easy money'.

I wouldn't block the contact between the siblings, but I'd certainly be monitoring it.

YANBU at ALL. I’d be absolutely furious. In fact I’d be considering reporting it to social services as grooming. Utterly disgusting behaviour.

As an adult dsd should not be sharing details like this with your dd. Explain that to her, tell her that now she is 18 that her sharing of sexual details could actually be misinterpreted as some sort of grooming.

It’s very normal for sisters to talk about this sort of thing BUT she is an adult while your daughter is not so you should intervene. The step relationship also complicates things.

@AmateurDad this is good practise for all parents. It’s proven now that social media and lack of sleep are two of the most likely causes for teenagers to make poor decisions, struggle to concentrate and that not sleeping with your phone in the room is actually better for all of us to allow us to properly rest and recover.

Edited: my bad for not reading the thread properly