Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

DH deffo needs to speak to your step daughter and remind her that kind of chat is off the table. I am a lot older than my sister and I did not discuss anything like that with her at 13. We did talk about boys, but it was more like, I have a crush big sis, don’t tell mum kind of thing

You’ve done the right thing in talking to your daughter openly about this, its natural for her to be curious but SD is really going to far with what information she is dishing out.

Saying that I don’t think you can stop sisters talking, you can’t keep her blocked forever.

I don't get you....are you a perverted woman or a man
read what you posted and think again

Exactly that's what I said too about an older sister.

The sd sounds about unhinged. What will she tell her ss next,?

SD may have experienced similar grooming at a young age and is reenacting it.

Its not usual for 13 Yr olds to be having conversations about getting money for some sort of favours or sex though? The older SS could be being groomed depending how old she is for all we know

Sounds like your DSD needs help and some serious intervention. Sounds like she’s on a dangerous path.

How old is your DSD? That's very relevant. Is your DH not worried about her being paid for sex?

I can say with absolute certainty that neither of my children, now 16 and 19, have never come across opportunities for conversations with prostitutes while at school.

Your DSD saying she has male and female partners and has fun, nudge nudge wink wink - fine
Answering questions about sex as a thing, I.e. what's a BJ - fine, its what older siblings do
Describing in detail what they do with real life partners - not fine
Describing how she gets paid for specific sex acts by a man your DD knows - danger zone

I’d be sitting with DSD and telling her to cut it out - she’s an adult, you don’t need DH’s approval to have a serious talk.

How does your DD know the older people that your DSD is have sex with? That sounds strange too - it's not as if they are a long-term partner coming to family gatherings surely?

She’s 21.
I’ve made her life sound very scary which I guess it is but she really is very intelligent and capable, she earns good money and we support her,
She has absolutely no need to do these things for money and I suspect the main reason she does is just out of boredom and because she can.

The bit I don't get is where you say your daughter hands her phone "in" every night. Who does she hand it to? And why? Is there a particular reason it was already being confiscated overnight?

My biggest concern would be the man that is in your DD's life who is paying her (vulnerable by the sound of it) sister for sex.

I know you say you support her lifestyle, I don’t think you should support her promiscuous behaviour and being sex worker. She needs better boundaries of acceptable behaviour and talking to a 13year old child about her sex life is child abuse. Sorry if that seems over the top but I think you need to put a stop to this.

I though it was pretty standard parenting to not allow a 13 year old unlimited access to a smartphone overnight?

This is not on. If its graphic/ detailed info, due to the age gap this is effectively sharing graphic sexual information with a minor and is classed as a form of abuse or sexual exploitation and is often seen as a precursor to grooming. Wtf was the step daughter thinking? I think some posters are being very naive that this is just 'chat between sisters'. I'd be having a proper talk with the step daughter to make her see how inappropriate it was. And then consider contact going forward based on her reaction. But I'd be very wary of contact going forward. Someone intentionally normalising risky sexual behaviour / sex work to a child who looks up to you is not likely to have good judgement or the child's best interests at heart

Was your sister doing sex work?

I'm more shocked you and DH are okay with DSD being a prostitute tbh. Your husband has completely failed as a father, and is repeating the pattern of awful parenting by thinking your shared DD could be living in a world where prostitution is normalised. I’d take DD completely out of the situation tbh.

There was a girl in my year who was having sex with older men for money. She was 14. She told me what she was doing and what it was called. So it does happen - thankfully rare.

At 14, I knew there was something very wrong with her home life. If she’d been my half sister, it might not have been as easy to understand that.

(And yes, it was true. I bumped into her recently as an adult)

Really not the best childhood and can be erratic and now you say she does it out of boredom

Nope what is in the messages coupled with the fact she is sending the messages indicates a very vulnerable 21 year old.

She is showing harmful sexual behaviours both to herself and in spreading them to your 13 year old indicating potential attraction disorders and past sexual abuse

Your DH should be incredibly worried for his daughter

She's talking to her yep sister about relationships and drunken antics? Presumably the older one isn't telling the younger one it's a good idea to do these things. But I think it's kind of normal DD would have an interest and they might speak about this stuff.

This is creepy and wrong, and if it was an adult half-brother saying this sort of thing to a barely teenage half-sister, everyone would understand that.

Handing the phone in, keeping an eye on what's on it is so sensible. She is still a child. Once you stop doing it, it can't be easily reversed.

As for the actions taken re her step sister. It sounds like conversations need to be had all round.

Good luck.

100% blocking is appropriate here at least until you’ve had some serious conversations. But those messages and information your dd has read can’t be undone and you need to have a very serious conversation with dh that you will not permit this influence in dds life, and it’s his job as a dad to protect her from it not to minimise it.