Dd(13) inappropriate messages with adult dsd

[foralliknow]

13 year old dd and young adult dsd. Dsd is lovely and I absolutely adore her but she didn’t have the best childhood and can be fairly erratic.

She goes out a lot and has several casual relationships with both men and women of varying ages. I don’t judge her for this, I only worry about her safety but she seems happy, works, has always been sensible around our dc and is an adult so not much we can do.

Dd has her phone handed in each night and occasionally checked. I wouldn’t normally read text messages between dd and dsd as I wanted to allow them some privacy and to trust dsd but messages came up tonight and scrolling through I am devastated by what they talk about. Details about things she’s done while drunk, the people she’s seeing and what she’s done with them.
A lot of this is dd prying for information and asking questions but they are not answers I want my 13 year old to know.

Dsd sometimes babysits dc and is due to next weekend but I can’t trust her and have changed plans, I have blocked dsd from dds phone and don’t want them messaging or spending time together alone.

Dh who is extremely defensive of dsd thinks I am overreacting, that it is normal for sisters to talk about these sorts of things and all that is needed is a chat with her to tone it down.

The day you give a child a smart phone is the day they’re able to access porn. These messages will be nothing compared to what she’s able to view online.

She’s a 21 year old adult describing sexual encounters in detail to a child. Totally inappropriate.

Yes you are doing the right thing. It's worrying if people can't see that it's right to not let them have their phone at night.

YANBU at all. Those texts are completely inappropriate.

Bit of a drip feed OP that your DSD is actually some kind of sex worker, not just having normal sexual encounters. This changes everything.
No, this is not something your 13 year old should be exposed to. Does her dad know what she’s doing?

its kind of just mentioned in passing but.... Am I reading correctly that your step daughter is a prostitute and regailing your 13 yo with her fun "what ho" adventures with clients....?

😵‍💫

Its a no from me but Unfortunately the horse has bolted here.

Did you guys know she was a prostitute?
Edit: just saw you "support" her in her prostitution.

What were the two of you expecting to happen here?
This kind of fallout was inevitable given your dsd seems to have limited/no inhibitions.

I think dont go in all guns blazing but you do need a proper sit down chat you and your husband when your DD is elsewhere to explain what is and isnt appropriate to discuss with a 13 yo.

Separately, if you havent already, you need to have a few conversations with your dd about sex / porn and everything else!
Presumably she looks up to her sister and now thinks cam girl / prostitution is a good career choice....

She needs to be spoken to and told to stop telling your 13 year old DD about her risky behaviour. Would you still feel the same if ut was a male step sibling? I think not.
Also your DH should be speaking to his daughter about her dangerous antics

It was in my house.

Would you have blocked a full sibling or just told them it was inappropriate and to tone it down?

So you’ve blocked DSD’s number (surely DD will just unblock)?

Do you think it would be wise to talk to DSD who is being paid for sex, having multiple sexual relationships and - on your account - had a messy childhood. You owe it to both girls to protect them.

Trust your instinct here. Your DSD is showing you who she really is and she cannot be trusted. It’s one thing for two sisters who are close in age to discuss these things, but another entirely when it’s an adult and a CHILD.

I would go ballistic at DSD and be cutting wll
contact. If my DH didn’t respect or understand the need to protect my child, he could f* off too.

This is not a 15 year old swapping secrets with a 13 year old sibling. This is a grown ass woman inappropriately discussing her sex life with a child.
YANBU @foralliknow ! She does need blocking and I wouldn't trust her boundaries at all.

Parents who allow their 13 year old children access to their phones all night need to seriously give their heads a wobble. You’re doing the right thing OP.

A 21 year old adult describing sexual acts to a 13 year old is beyond wrong. It should be reported to the police. How utterly disgusting.

You are correct to be concerned.

Well first of all they’re not sisters, they’re step sisters. So no different to an older friend which I doubt you’d allow this nonsense from!
Secondly and crucially, why on earth is your DH not concerned about his daughter sleeping around???? Get your child away from these people!

You are 💯 right to be concerned. Your 13 year old will think this is part of growing up. Your husband needs a wake up call.

She’s talking about sexual positions with a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD. Hello???

THIS!!!!! Absolutely this. Please report this, OP. Just ask yourself how you’d react if your DH’s DD was male….

There’s no evidence of a crime. And any investigation would involve OP and DH acknowledging they know DSD is being paid for sex and being apparently fine with it. Meanwhile her relationship with her father and OP will disintegrate and the vulnerable 21 year old will be even more vulnerable. The 14 year old will learn that her mum snooping on her phone causes a tonne of trouble and will find ways to communicate in secret. Great result.

I don't think I'd want any 13 year old of mine to be thinking it's all shits and giggles and just an easy way to get money. Or being so clued up on the 'how'. IMO your husband is minimising this to some tune OP.

Very inappropriate and worrying. Your dh is downplaying this and sticking his head in the sand. As your dd is only 13, it can be classed as sexual abuse.

No, my 14 year old has her phone overnight, she doesn't have tik tok / snap chat / insta on there at the moment because she's had anxiety and OCD due to bullying in the past. I randomly check the messages every now and then and i'm hoping that she will learn what's okay and what is not okay and also that she will know that she can talk to me about anything she's unsure about.

There’s very much evidence of a crime. A 21 year old describing sex acts to a 13 year old child is abuse, the evidence is there in black and white.

The difference is, kids talking about stuff at school is just that - KIDS talking. Ofc nobody can stop that happening and it is a part of growing up.

It is VERY different for an adult to be having these types of conversations with a child, in the detail as been described by OP.

This is not appropriate at all

I remember being about 13 and staying at my friends house. Her 18yo sister shared a room with her and came back and proceeded to tell us about the unprotected sex she had in the car with her boyfriend.

I was aghast but was the eldest in myvfamily so wasn't used to it. Friend wanted all the details. I was mortified 🤣