I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

Just wanted to put things from the other perspective. I have a good friend who I have been close to since primary school, so over 40 years now. Our lives have both had their ups and downs, but following her most recent visit I’ve started to notice that every conversation centres on her, and that she’s a master at manoeuvring the subject back to her experiences where she constantly trauma dumps on me.

Each time I see her, I’m left feeling drained, depressed and unheard. It’s especially frustrating as, after 15 years of the same conversations, I can see that nothing’s going to change and that I need to start pulling back for my own mental health’s sake.

Please do think carefully about whether your conversations are taking this turn. It may be that your family just need a break from the constant negativity. Basically, they are giving you a listening ear - what are you giving them?

No I don't think I trauma dump at all like how has been described above. No one knows I'm going through a second separation bar my sister And my best friend. I'm there for my sister and she can talk to me. And she has very recently. I'm not using my sister since separation - I have a good circle of friend I can socialise with I just ask her first is she wants to do something - she also asks me to do things with her. I have had moments where I've broken down due to current situations not historic.
But I guess for someone like my sister who is an avoidant she doesn't want to hear it which I see now.
I use the words avoidant as this is how she describes herself in her marriage and her husband the anxious attachment. I'm not labelling - just using labels given by herself. And actually they make sense in how we interact with each other.

My SIL, her mother and sister are exactly like this.I think it's a learned thing for the daughters. Something goes wrong and it's the end of the known world. Other people would have seen it coming and headed it off, made some calm phone calls , set up a plan, made a late payment and accepted there was a charge. No not them. Drama, drama, victim, victim. Woe is me. Everyone is against me, no one understands. Go away.

I think you need to try to stop unburdening your problems on to relatives and friends. People start off being sympathetic but when it goes on with one drama after another it can get too much. Its good you are receiving counselling. Maybe talk this over with your counsellor

Do you mention your issues once or constantly keep going over them ? . Instead of taking advice and dealing with your issues?. It’s extremely draining having to listen to someone complaining about the same issue year after year. Thinking their life and issues are more important than everyone else’s . People don’t like to be used as unpaid counsellors.

Your sister asked you for something - to talk less about yourself (maybe a silent cry for you to also ask more about her life).
Your response was to try to turn all attention back to yourself “oh no my sister hates me, I have no one”. This is what she is asking you not to do.

I think you have not listened to what she said and are misinterpreting it.

She did not say she didn’t love you, she asked you to love her and to spend some time thinking/talking outside of your own centre of focus (yourself). Can you do this for her? Perhaps go for a coffee and make a conscious effort to talk about her life not yours.

I'm not using my sister since separation - I have a good circle of friend I can socialise with I just ask her first is she wants to do something - she also asks me to do things with her. I have had moments where I've broken down due to current situations not historic.

But why do you have to mention anything about your problems when you've asked her if she wants to do something?

'Do you want to do something on Saturday?' is completely different to 'If you want to do something on Saturday, you'll have to sit and listen to the trauma I'm currently going through'.

You use a lot of buzz words in your OP, a lot of mental health tropes. Even diagnosing your family as avoidant etc. It does sound like you might be exhausting to deal with. Lots of navel gazing on your part. Maybe stop diagnosing everything, coming up with terms for everything and constantly thinking that you’re “working through trauma” and maybe just try living?

Whether or not you’re the one to first bring up the labels, I don’t think categorising people like that is helpful to anyone. We all have different personalities.

This sums up what I was thinking.

You come across as the permanent victim-even your title, "am I".
And I'm not convinced you are a people pleaser either for various reasons.

Very few people see themselves as others see them, so you're not alone in that.

Give yourself time. When you're with others and they ask how you are, then don't launch into a list of woes. Try giving something positive that week - nice walk in the countryside or similar.

There may be times you do have a moanfest with someone, and that's fine, but make sure you don't do the same then next time.

One thing maybe to think about. When you are going to meet up with someone do you think
Oh lovely I wonder how they are. Be lovely to spend time with them
Or
I'll be able to tell them about all the bad times I've been going through. That will be good.

I've been in the situation where the latter started getting hold and it takes effort to get out of it. You have to physically stop yourself from unloading.

For everyone telling the op to get therapy, does anyone consider how much this costs, if you can't get it through work or private health care?
It costs a bloody fortune.

Stop the therapy speak. Go for a long walk. Take a day off from negativity.

My sister sounds like you, she has had an extremely tough time in recent years. My heart goes out to her. However, I can't do it any longer. She doesn't realise the impact she has on others, her negativity, her constant need to talk about her issues, her lack of awareness of other people's feelings and experiences, its all about her issues. It's exhausting.

People in the family have distanced themselves from her and shes so upset, but inside I just want to say, grow up and start managing your issues, get more therapy, we all have problems.
Your post sounds quite self pitying and I would be drained around you. However, I think its great you seem to have some self awareness and hopefully you mend bridges with your sister.

Download tik tok. Search 'therapy for x". There will be endless qualified people on there making videos to help people in Ops situation to consider different ways to avoid the situation she is now in. No cost whatsoever. She might find it very enlightening

I agree with this 👆

The op says shes in counselling, so presumably its through her work or a limited time through her gp.
But a lot of the time on mn its taken as granted that we all have therapy ir counselling on tap.
If only that was the case.

Sorry you are going through this hard time op.

I agree with this post that it is hard for us to tell from a brief synopsis, especially one that you have written from your perspective.

You say you feel you are kind, people-pleasing etc, which you seem to be listing as positives - and it is good and important that you are able to see what you feel are positives about yourself.

But I also noticed that when you discuss events, you do tend to load the blame on others: your mums is a narcissist so you are NC; your Dad is estranged with you because of HER: you have given up on your marriage because of HIS drinking; your sister doesn't like you, putting emphasis on her attitude, rather than "I'm not liked by my sister."

I think this could indicate you quite quickly slip into the victim role. Not saying you do not genuinely have a lot of emotional strain to be processing: you do. But I wonder if focusing on your role in it and what you can do, rather than putting blame and labels on everyone else - narcissist, avoidant etc - would help move you through this difficult time. The problem with seeing everything as everyone else's failing is it is so much harder for you to do anything about it; it is kind of self-disabling. And most interpersonal situations, when viewed objectively, are a mixture of factors, not the fault of one and the other deserves to be exonerated.

You are clearly having a bad time, OP. And you are allowed to feel down and depressed and as though life is getting on top of you. It's hard. But I was struck by your OP, with your mentions of being empathetic and an anxious attachment style and other similar therapy-speak and I wonder if you're taking therapy a little too much to heart and you are regurgitating it to people who have no idea what it means and are hearing it as you trying to over-explain what's going on in your life?

When people ask us how we are, they really don't want to know. Even close family. They want a reassurance that you are dealing with life, getting on with things and that you're not in any immediate danger. If you want to tell someone how you REALLY feel, that's what your therapist is for. Regular people have no idea what to say, all they can do is listen and they can only do so much of that before compassion fatigue sets in. I know you want people to help you, but realistically, what can they do? They can't solve your problems for you. It's really really hard but have you tried being superficial with your sister? Asking her how she's doing before you launch into your woes?

I don't think you are at fault, necessarily, your life is clearly hard. But if you want connection with other people, you might need to dial down your struggles a little and try being a bit bright and breezy for a while to give them chance to connect with YOU, rather than your troubles.

I know you asked people to be blunt, but you also deserve kindness and support. If your mum is genuinely a narc, you did the right thing going NC, and the rest of the family will be in a pattern of keeping the status quo with her. You will be painted as the problem, not her. Sister probably finds it too hard to hear your truth as she will be told that you're the problem by the rest of the family.

Have to spoken to your GP about your current wellbeing? I say this as you sound low in mood and overwhelmed by your feelings. Some therapy is available on the NHS (although it can be limited and there are waiting lists) and it would be worth exploring. Other sources of support may be online groups for relatives of narcissists. Other posters have suggested AI, but please avoid this, as it is extremely limited and will only agree with you, whatever you say. While this feels nice, it doesn't allow you to explore yourself and grow, and keeps you trapped in a loop.

Good luck, this all sounds hard and lonely, but there is a way through.

I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair.
who reminded you and why? Did you bring it up in a ‘woe is poor me’?
how old is your niece and what are you wanting to talk to her about? Her parent and your relationship?
and what are your attempts to fix and repair? Is it everyone else in agreement with you?

Thank you everyone for all your valid responses.

I am training to be a counsellor hence why the buzz words - part of the training I guess is to work through your own stuff but I have obviously misjudged and made an error on how I do it.

I thought I was aware of how I share but obviously not enough.

I will be checking with my best friend to see if I over stimulate her too. I appreciate the views from the people on the other side.
the only thing I would say is if you feel how you do please tell the person who is trauma dumping that they are doing so because before the argument yesterday with my sister I had no idea I was and it's come as a shock because I would've hoped it would have been communicated in something other than an argument and in anger.
But I fully accept I have a huge part to play in how this has played out. I'd like to think I don't have victim mentality however I really need to reflect on how I do come across.
ps yes my mum is a narcissist 4 out of 6 of us are NC including the sis in question. The 2 that are in contact with mum are also the 2 siblings that the other 4 siblings are NC with too.

To be frank it does sound like you are making it all about you. Your sister has told you she feels you put too much on her and are just using her because you’re lonely, instead of reflecting on the fact you have clearly been putting too much on your sister and how that has made her feel your focus is on the fact she clearly ‘doesn’t like you’ and how it makes YOU feel.

Your sister didn’t say she doesn’t like you, she said you’re putting too much on her and involving her in drama, you admit yourself you talk about your separation from ex husband more than you should. It sounds like you are twisting her words to make yourself the victim rather than looking at the behaviour which made her bring this up with you and how you can change it. Your sister hasn’t been unkind, she hasn’t said she doesn’t like you, she said you’re involving her in too much drama and putting too much on ger.

The easy solution here is to stop putting all your troubles on her, you feeling lonely is not her responsibility. You clearly need therapy and she is not a therapist so seek out some proper, professional therapy/ counselling so that you are not relying on your sister to cure your loneliness.

How can you not hold grudges yet go nc with close members of your family?

Are you training to be a counsellor through an accredited BACP?
and how so you plan on asking your friend I will be checking with my best friend to see if I over stimulate her too. without making it completely loaded?

Yes.