I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

As a general rule, people treat others as they expect to be treated. So it may be true that you would be a good listener and not mind if someone needed you for emotional support, but other people are not like that. I tend to have a little moan then move on, and expect the same of friends. I couldn't be friends with someone who went on and on about how tough their life is, just a I wouldn't be negative like that to a friend. I also have a big aversion to clingy people, or people who can't do anything alone, you know the ones who want to go to the bathroom at the same time or will wait outside a cafe because they dont want to sit alone. They usually also would walk you to your bus stop and make sure you got home ok because thats the way they want a friendship to be. Honestly i your sister is being kind being honest with you, you should take some of it on board.

Do you often say things like ‘I’m so very lonely all the time’ to your sister? Because my sister used to do this and it was very hurtful and insulting to have her constantly wail about how alone and unloved she was while I sat there with her, loving her, spending time with her, listening to her, being there for her….

It often felt like she was saying I didn’t matter or count because even with me having changed plans to spend time with her out of love she still felt alone and unloved! Fuck me then I guess!

But her sister was raised by the same parents.

I agree with all of this.

Have also felt a deep sense of loneliness (raised by narcissistic mother) I emphasis. Do believe it’s possible to work through with therapy etc, but still working on it. It can be very painful x

Well you are not wrong - I suggested AI up thread and two people responded saying don’t use it it’s dangerous.

one even said there is no debate you are just wrong…. An raised the stalker who used it. It’s like saying that the postal service is to blame for stalkers delusions… the lack of understanding and fear around ai is normal in the face of new technology… just try it I say… it’s fab …

I feel conflicted in correcting some posters but also don't want to be defensive - I wish people would read my updates without making assumptions.
I don't trauma dump the way many of you describe people in your lives do which led you to cut off from them. Infact I am an over thinker so actually I overthink anything I share anyway incase it is misunderstood.
I like to think I am aware of how I am in the company of others and I am in a place to cancel or rearrange plans if I feel I will be a drain or be not good company.
My error is that I didn't realise my sister feels how she does and that I talk a bit more than I should with my sister who has snapped and said what she has said. I have told my sister once I think in the last 10 years that I feel lonely and that would have been directly after I asked my husband to leave and my children were not with me that weekend.
I know I am a very present person and my sis has asked me to help her the last few months with a project and I have done it all - I've just been quieter than my usual while processing my stuff, which is not unusual.
My elder sister cut off from me and all my siblings about 7 years ago including sis in question - her reasoning did not make sense and we all got an individual reason given for it - mine being my divorce was too heavy. With that in mind I have always been mindful about what I share and with who. I'm an introvert by nature and I have friends from childhood who don't even know a thing about my life other than the superficial stuff.

I am not a narcissist but I was raised by one. I am
not qualified to say this but I cat think of another term to describe my childhood. Those who know how hard it is to engage with a parent who does not like you (we were 6 siblings so she had the pick of the bunch who to make her favourites and I did not make the cut).
i understand I am the problem here and I have started to address it starting with an apology. And an acknowledgement.
Some responses here are harsh as you have responded with your own experiences of trauma dumping but I take them on board but am aware enough to know that's not what I do.
I do need support in figuring out my stuff and maybe counselling is/is not for me.

I appreciate every single person who has taken their time to Comment, especially those who have shown me empathy and understood the complexities of the situation without me having necessarily given the details.

I hope non of you find yourselves in the despair I was in when I started this thread. I feel better now but it's been a tough read.

Counseling others is not a self help tool.

This should be at the top of every application form/course details for any and every counselling course or psychology degree. In large capital letters and a bold font.

Then it sounds like you now have reflected on the entire situation and know that you are NOT the problem OP. People don’t know you so they are only able to go off what you have said but you now appear to feel stronger, more secure and ready to move forward while remaining yourself.

It’s rarely a case of one person being the entire problem and usually a case of people being imperfect on both sides. You can now see that. I hope you and your sibling get along better soon.

The dynamics of narcissistic families are very different for the individuals in them.

For example among the siblings in my family there were victims and perpetrators of abuse.

It doesn’t matter that we had the same parents who had significant narcissistic traits themselves clearly we have very different experiences growing up with them.

All of us were badly affected by our parents narcissistic traits but have had very different reactions to it.

I wonder why you are using buzz words on here. What are you hoping for from the thread?

Was you hard work growing up? What makes your mother a narcissist. It's not easy bringing up 6 children why don't you try and look at it from her perspective. The only way you heal is to look at the situation and understand it. You still sound like a troubled little girl who is looking for attention. The choices you made when you left home is on you not your mother.

I don't think "it's you", OP, it sounds like you've been through a lot, and that has an understandable effect on a person.

I don't use AI for personal sensitive topics but I do think things through then validate using AI.

It doesn't compromise my critical thinking, it does help me work through whether I'm off with the fairies or not!

I used to work with (and was very friendly with) two siblings, twins actually. In the years I worked with them I never got the impression there was any trauma in their childhood. They both were very fond of their parents and other siblings, all were very close. They spoke fondly of childhood holidays etc. The twin that i was closer to absolutely idolised the parents, still does. Fast forward a few years and the other one now posts on FB all the time about their devastatingly awful childhood, including serious physical and emotional abuse from both parents. This person is apparently so traumatised by this that they can no longer function in society. There was never even a sniff of this when I knew them. And the twin never comments on the posts or offers words of support etc. I don't know what to believe to be honest.

OP, you sound like a good person. But the truth is, none of us know if it’s a ‘you’ issue. It’s impossible to tell based on one person’s say.
I hope the future is a wee bit brighter for you though

Sounds like you are basically a nice person being used as a scapegoat by your family The best family can be the one you choose for yourself Just because you are related to family they are not necessarily on you side I have a very arrogant older brother who despise s me Since I came to terms with the whittling away of my personality by family and started seeing more of straight forward nice friends I've been a lot happier Choose the family you want for yourself

Sounds like you are basically a nice person being used as a scapegoat by your family The best family can be the one you choose for yourself Just because you are related to family they are not necessarily on you side I have a very arrogant older brother who despise s me Since I came to terms with the whittling away of my personality by family and started seeing more of straight forward nice friends I've been a lot happier Choose the family you want for yourself

Look up the narcissistic family tree. Eg. childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/the-narcissistic-family-system/

Your family sound like “flying monkeys” and aren’t there for you because you have called out the narcissism/ abuse. You need to find ways you can be supported by normal people and also heal your relational trauma. This way, you can gain confidence. Look up EMDR therapy as it is very good and quicker for trauma than normal counselling (as long as you find a good therapist that you like). It’s a horrible place to be but you have hope because you are living in more truth and not hiding in lies. Good luck.

In all likelihood you're not the only one going through a rough time. Everyone has their own stuff going on. I'm wondering if you really genuinely understand that.

One other note after reading about your counselling training: the genuine healer will also have healed themselves. Many people in healing professions have made the journey through difficulty and have worked to sublimate their traumas, making them hardened and wise enough to help others. Not that I’m saying working as a counsellor will necessarily be good for you! It might not pay enough, for example. Or, you may find a good community of similarly experienced people who nourish you and who you nourish.

You're obviously from a toxic family system OP. Just because you seem to be the common denominator it doesn't mean it's your fault. It's similar in my family. Mum was personality disordered, dad enabler, eldest sister golden child, middle sister also narcissist (but unusually also the scapegoat), brother is just a 'not interested, you're all as bad as each other type'. BIL also abusive towards me and all these difficult characters are generally unpopular with a lot of people so I know it isn't me.

It does mean you end up not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like and you're so used to being talked down to that you allow others to do it because it's all you know.

I don't know how much you trauma dump but I do know how difficult it is not to do when you're lonely and all this stuff is going around in your head. It's actually quite empowering to just keep quiet and ask other people questions and it can help to put things into perspective. Also ChatGPT really is a good counsellor as long as you're careful. People think it says what you want to hear but it definitely doesn't. For example, it doesn't allow me to slag off my BIL willy nilly. And it came to its own conclusion that my sister is a narcissist from some examples I gave it. You just need to tell it to remember what you've said. It's honestly better and more knowledgeable than any counsellor I've ever been to and it never gets fed up (I went to a counsellor once who kept looking at the clock and yawning!).

the only thing I would say is if you feel how you do please tell the person who is trauma dumping that they are doing so

This is the problem in a nutshell. You have exported responsibility onto others and made them responsible for managing you. It’s not someone else’s job to manage your emotional state and tell you when you’re being too much. It’s your job to know what to say and when, and to notice when someone is overwhelmed.

This is the type of thing my sister says when I tell her to stop dumping. She interprets boundaries as an attack or lack of care. The burden is put on me that ironically I should have better boundaries and stop her at the time. Everything is externalised. She processes out loud and constantly broadcasts her thoughts and trauma dumps.

The effects on me are that I am constantly bracing for the next dump. I leave the contact feeling flooded, violated and unseen. Over time family members have drifted away or cut off contact and I am the only person in contact with her. She perceives other family members to be narcissistic. They are not. They have realised she doesn’t have the skills required for a reciprocal relationship and have given up trying.

My sister is not a bad person, there are reasons she has not developed a steady sense of self and not developed containment. I have had to minimise contact not out of lack of care but self protection. Her coping strategy is to use other people’s minds and nervous system to regulate herself. And while I understand why she does it it’s incredibly damaging to our relationship.

It’s possible to be a basically good person who’s had a really tough upbringing, AND to sometimes push the trauma of this onto others a bit too much.

Most of the people who have a problem with you are your blood relatives, that’s not a random sample - don’t draw too many conclusions from it.

I suspect if people you think are decent are saying that it’s too much, either they feel like you’re going round and round and round in circles and whatever they say makes no difference, or that you’re not truly interested in them/thinking of them. Either behaviour can be draining in the long term. Just because someone confides in you it doesn’t mean that you’ve shown an interest in them. It might be that someone tells you a problem in their life as an experiment to see if you genuinely engage with it and try to help them talk it through, or basically do a “oh dear, now back to me” type response. If that’s how you’ve been behaving I’m sure you can have a think and be a bit more outward looking in future. You’re obviously a very reflective person.

One thing that occurred to me and is probably not relevant - have you ever wondered if you might have autistic traits? I just ask as some autistic people I know often feel that sense of isolation. Feel free to ignore.

I’m a psychotherapist that lives within a wide ranging narcissistic system. My mother is also a psychotherapist, she was the scapegoat in her family. There is no reason you shouldn’t train to be a counsellor/psychotherapist. In fact, some of the skills you learn to survive having a narcissistic family are useful for being a therapist. A lot of the posters being critical don’t seem to understand that it is an important part of the training process to go through the, painful, process of facing your trauma and getting to know the darker parts of yourself. Of course there’s training that isn’t thorough, and there’s people that shouldn’t be therapists. But nothing you’ve said makes me think that about you.

Too true.
I have a young relative in and out of psychiatric wards for nearly 10 years and she is convinced she will make a good mental health therapist and is repeatedly trying to complete courses in this area. Any therapist advising mentally ill people that they would make the best counselors is probably not well enough themselves to be counselling anyone. A patient with a broken leg is not the best person to fix someone else's broken leg.