I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

Whatever you do never use ChatGpt or any other chatbot (they are not intelligent so I don't call them ai) for therapy. Not. Ever.

They are programmed to please you, they will tell you what you want to hear they will not challenge you, they don''t think and they are not able to be therapists.

If you give "ai" clues it will realise what you want and tell you that everyone around you is the problem. If you insist, it will change its diagnosis over and over.

Several young people have killed themselves because of "ai" .

One stalker has been harassing her ex psychiatrist using "ai" to confirm he is in love with her though he met her twice and gave absolutely zero information to even slightly suggest that he had in any way breached any boundaries.

'One woman’s saga about falling for her psychiatrist, which she documented in dozens of videos on TikTok, has generated concerns from viewers who say she relied on AI chatbots to reinforce her claims that he manipulated her into developing romantic feelings.

Last month, a prominent OpenAI investor garnered a similar response from people who worried the venture capitalist was going through a potential AI-induced mental health crisis after he claimed on X to be the target of “a nongovernmental system.”

And earlier this year, a thread in a ChatGPT subreddit gained traction after a user sought guidance from the community, claiming their partner was convinced the chatbot “gives him the answers to the universe.”

Their experiences have roused growing awareness about how AI chatbots can influence people’s perceptions and otherwise impact their mental health, especially as such bots have become notorious for their people-pleasing tendencies."

Never. Ever. Ever. Ever. Use them for therapy.

https://people.com/woman-who-fell-in-love-with-her-psychiatrist-speaks-out-exclusive-11789877

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2026/jan/08/google-character-ai-settlement-teen-suicide

No, she didn't say that. And if she did she should not be a counsellor at all and is a danger to those around her.

Signed - someone who used to be a counsellor.

@feelingutterlyhopeless
Durham University has carried out a lot of research into the behaviour of narcissists. A lot of your behaviour might fit into narcissistic type behaviour. Do look up the research and read it. For example typical narcissistic behaviour presents as defensive, anxious and hypersensitive to criticism. There is a constant self-focus. Does this sound like you?
https://theconversation.com/what-weve-learned-about-narcissism-over-the-past-30-years-258505

If you are training to be a therapist wouldn't it be better to engage with your mother whom you say is a narcissist

I really do appreciate the honest replies.

for what it's worth I do have hobbies, I work full time, I do Pilates, I study, I socialise. I don't just trauma dump on my sister. But I understand that I should be mindful of what I say and share.

I also am reconsidering if my counselling journey needs to be rerouted. Genuinely.

There's a difference between using and needing.

Using is cynical, manipulative.

But needing family or friends when you are going through a terrible time is understandable.

As a minimum, the job (counsellor) should be restricted to people who have successfully dealt with their trauma, not those still up to their eyeballs in the drama.

Well said.

Yes I agree it's part of the process. Which is what I thought I am doing. As mentioned I'm in very early stages yet.

Why then would you use them for friends and family? They are not your patient and you are not treating them. You have no basis to diagnose them. If you don’t understand that don’t go into the profession. You also can’t diagnose or treat yourself.

You are just judging people and labelling. Even if you say you aren’t labelling them you have repeatedly done it. Even the most basic training in the profession would start with not doing what you are doing and explain why. Your lived experience should enhance your professionalism. It isn’t in your case and I don’t think this is your vocation.

Well I have no reason to lie. And he did say that.
How would my counsellor be a danger? I'm curious to understand.. I assume he meant someone who has gone through trauma and dealt with it make the best counsellors in terms of empathy. Not someone who has current trauma.

You have 3 children but don’t actually make any reference to them or their feelings of being cut off from their grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins because of their mother.

The single mums who get through divorce which is traumatic in itself and some having suffered physical and mental abuse realise they can’t change the past. All they can do is try to pour all their energy into providing for their children and making memories with them so they look back on their childhood as a wonderful experience

It’s about turning from looking inward and look around at what you have and nurturing those relationships. Your children have lost their father / step father. Don’t you think they need help getting through this.

Sometimes you have to stop the self reflection and look at those around you and what they are going through

I mentioned why I used labels. And you're probably right about the vocation aspect. Thanks

No please never use ai for any kind of emotional support. That's so dangerous. Op is clearly lonely and struggling to process her past trauma, a robot echo chamber will not help.

OP, I noticed a bit of a contradiction in your post - you mentioned you don't hold grudges, yet you've gone NC. While I don't know your full history, I sometimes worry that 'cutting people off' is suggested too quickly these days. Having dealt with toxic parents myself, I know families can be a nightmare, but sometimes finding a way to manage the relationship is an alternative worth considering. However, only you know if that’s actually safe or possible for you.

I can't give you honest advice I don't know you or your family. I think you're a fighter who wanted to be free from your family but you've ended up in 2 questionable marriages. I'm not going to come on here and slag off the people who raised you. Could they have done it better bringing up 6 children I don't know I haven't met a family like the Walton's yet. The issue with your sister I understand why your sister feels drained if you are visiting every weekend you're imposing yourself. She may want to do other things but you are making her feel obligated to host you and then you get upset when she challenges you. Don't beat yourself up too much people are allowed to be human.

Hi op, im sorry youre feeling like this. I think that this doesn't have to be a situation of you're the problem , but that doesn't mean you have to be perfect either. Maybe in some situations theyve been wrong maybe in some you have, that doesn't mean youre a problem. There doesn't need to be a label. You sound aware of yourself and I find ppl who are able to say sorry (im not saying you should ever say sorry if you haven't done anything wrong) and ppl who self reflect are very rarely the problem, its others that will find you problematic because they wont like you wanting them to be the same. If I were you my advice would be to keep away from ppl that have no awareness of themselves, they very rarely change.

Your words were "My current counsellor says it's the ones with trauma that make the best counsellors."

This is a lie.

He lied to you either deliberately or because he is completely lacking insight. And he is in a position of trust and power around vulnerable people, while making up nonsense narratives like this. That is very concerning indeed.

Traumatised people absolutely definitively do NOT make the best counsellors.

Those with trauma often believe it to be resolved and then discover it is absolutely not resolved when they are triggered. Triggering happens regularly when working with mentally ill people. Only emotionally resilient, stable people are able to handle the extreme emotional pressures of counselling/the therapeutic role

Trauma can cause countertransference, where your own pain gets triggered and projected onto clients. Trauma sufferers often lack sufficient emotional boundaries (as you seem to) leading to ove identification, enmeshment and blurred roles.

Those who have experienced trauma often unintentionally re-enact trauma dynamics (rescuer/victim/persecutor) with vulnerable clients.

Those with trauma often struggle with self regulation increasing the risk of harmful boundary violations, emotional dumping (as you have pointed out you engage in) and destabilising responses.

Personal trauma impairs the objectivity, containment, and safety required to hold space for others without causing harm.

The very best counsellors/therapists have strong ethical boundaries, self awareness and emotional resilience. The very qualities you appear to be lacking, and which many who have experienced trauma also lack.

Sometimes those who have experienced trauma can indeed be good counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists etc.

But most of the time people who have been traumatised cannot deal with the emotional requirements of counselling/psychotherapy.

Trauma does not ever make you stronger or more resilient. Not. Ever. Trauma is cumulative. Every genuine trauma a peson endures affects them more strongly.

Trauma can sometimes be satisfactorily resolved and if the underlying personality is strong and resilient enough that person can work in a therapeutic role.

So either you are incorrect about what he said or he has a startling and very worrying lack of understanding about the counselling role and emotional requirements for that role and this makes him a danger to be around vulnerable people.

People with mental health challenges are often drawn to psychotherapeutic roles, which is understandable. Sometimes they do make good counsellors/therapists - eventually long after their own trauma and mental health issues have been resolved, dealt with and are stable.

But your words here indicate that you are not even close to being mentally healthy, stable and resilient enough to be a counsellor.

Agree absolutely.

What I am getting from this is that you are both self aware and self reflective. In my experience, that is HUGE in terms of being an essentially good person or at least striving to be a better person.

I don't know for sure, of course, as I don't know them, but I get the feeling your family are not capable of meeting you on this plane. Take from that what you will (clue: I don't think it's you).

You're defo not a counsellor , a counsellor wouldn't write what you did. You sound aggressive and confrontational!

AI has been fantastic for me helping me get perspective in my battles with anxiety - I certainly wouldn’t recommend it for trauma counselling but for grounding whilst spiralling or giving another perspective it’s very handy

She asked for honest opinions. It would be bad practice to tell the op that when she clearly sounds vulnerable.

I doubt it is you. Not getting into details but I also come from a narcissistic family.

There was significant abuse and keeping up appearances which eventually I couldn’t sustain.

In everyone’s eyes but my own I was/am the problem. All avoidant too, all narcissists start out as avoidant but very much not all avoidant are narcissists.

It took me a long time to emotionally disentangle from my family dynamics.

We are wired for connection over actual safety so this really does go against human wiring.

I think you need to start unpicking the family rules that you are seeing yourself under and then slowly realise and break out of the conditioning you needed to survive back then.

Being hated for being honest is not a bad quality @feelingutterlyhopeless and the character flaw lies with the people dishing out harm and enabling that harm not the victims of it. You have another network. Get therapy, have good times with friends and keep moving forward.

Im sorry OP. This sounds really tough. I can sympathise with most of what you are saying. Its really really hard to judge what to do for the best. I tend to not say very much to friends, except a couple who press me to discuss what the kids and I are going through. Its lonely and traumatic living this stuff and speaking about it - ive no doubt its hard to hear it all. Some people dont need/want to hear. Some dont know how to respond and, this might explain your families response to you (as awful as it is - in am not condoning them). Ive started scribbling/doodling and it helps. No sentences or paragraphs, no set page on the pretty book i bought for the purpose. Writing fears, anxieties, problems. Sometimes a wee what if.... when im disaster thinking... what if that did happen - i would write how i would manage it. Rather than going over the "disaster" in my head. Dumping words/scribbles on a page can be a huge help compared to offloading on someone. Be kind to yourself, lots going on there. Ive also been a people pleaser my whole life, stems from tip toeing around every horrid adult in my childhood then partners/husband. Ive recently realised that i do far too much for people and have started to say no. Im also reviewing current flakey friendships and putting in boundaries. Life is a constant learning curve, and learning to manage the different people in our life, and how much we give them is key. (Even simple tme giving, info giving - we can manage it all ). I hope you find a solution that works for you. It wont be quick. My instinct would be not to bother with those who have been cruel to you recently. Let them come back if they want.

I don’t think it’s necessarily you, or that the common denominator is always to blame.

in my experience, people can often see someone treated badly and subconsciously decide to do the same since they have witnessed someone else getting away with it. It’s a pack behaviour, spotting someone at a disadvantage and feeling justified in joining in.

in the workplace it’s known as mobbing; one person attacks another, and others join in while the target is labelled the “common denominator “ it’s a way bullies justify their behaviour