I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

It sounds as though you've had some difficult relationships to deal with - narc mother, enabling father, bad marriages. Some of the parent stuff could have affected your siblings and how they later in life relate with others. Although you're lonely, I'd refrain from dumping on other people too regularly, as it is hard for others, especially if they have their own life problems going on. If your sister says "are you ok?" Don't take it as an invitation to offload every time. You could reply that you're not ok, but don't want to burden her with your problems. Then it's up to her if she wants to draw you out and talk more about the issues. If you're always offloading and never light and fun to be around, then you will push people away unfortunately.

This.

If you treat "How are you?" as a trauma dump then for their own sanity people will pull back. People only have so much they can handle.

And I really agree with this. People have their own shit going on. Don't 'use' them for therapy or to unload.

Tbh, your OP reads like a load of teenage-style drama with you at the centre of it all, regardless of what's going on in anyone else's life.
Your training in counselling should be addressing this and teaching you how to listen actively and respond to other people.

I asked if I could benefit from talking therapy, she said do you really want to spend years unpicking every detail when the real objective is to get well. She said take meds, focus on the future and get fit. Then come back if that doesnt work.
What is your objective here? Is it to live in and with your trauma or to move on with your life? Potentially you are too comfortable with it, seeking therapy to validate it and haven't got a plan to leave it behind.

As someone who spent way too much time in talking therapy instead of focusing on what I needed to do to cope with my relationships and issues, I agree with this. Especially in respect of having a solid plan for the future and getting fit.

Also, are you sure becoming a counsellor is the right choice for you. From what you have written and the way you seem to approach your traumas, I wonder whether you might possibly see it as a means of coping with your own problems.

I think you're a gentle soul, going through a hard flipping time and there's nothing wrong with struggling with that at all. Talking to someone you know and trust is a good way of working things out, but I guess your family don't want to support you for whatever reason. However, you cannot change them, only your own behaviour and your reaction to their behaviour, however that may take shape.

I echo therapy suggestion here, just to work through things on your second marriage and hope that helps you tons. I wonder if there are any online therapy sessions to be had, while working around child care etc? There will be books around in the subject, one of those may help too.

As for family, you really cannot chose them and I wouldn't put this all on yourself imo.. even if you're exhausting their good will, ideally they should just talk to you gently about it, rather than walk away. Sometimes families are just not close and nothing at all like The Waltons.

Please don't train to be a counsellor. It will make you even more inward looking than you are now. Look outward.

It's impossible to say whether it's you or not. It could well be. I know someone who is an absolute nightmare to deal with. Super intelligent and articulate and thoughtful but is impossible to rub along with. Has alienated all her family and friends. Uses terms like anxious attachment style 🙄 She's also thinking of becoming a counsellor. The mind truly boggles. She's thinks it's everyone else's fault. Thinks shes really interesting and superior to everyone else because she doesnt do small talk and wants to explore deep connections. My eyes cant roll back far enough. Without knowing you, it really is impossible to say.

I will be checking with my best friend to see if I over stimulate her too.

Gently OP, this is the problem.

It sounds like the conversations are all about you.

If you think you’re trauma dumping and talking about yourself too much - don’t then ask them and make it even more about yourself, just be more self aware and stop doing it.

When you see them make a conscious effort to not talk about yourself and issues.
Just talk about them and the films that you’ve both been watching etc.

If you need to vent, then talk to chatgpt for now or come on here.

Its really nice talking your problems through with someone but it can be very draining for them, especially when everyone has their own problems too.
It sounds as though you meet up with them just to talk about yourself - that’s not fun for them at all.

You say that you would be the type of person who would want to help if someone came to you with a problem. Has anyone ever done that? It might be the case that the people around you perceive you as someone who is always in need and never in a position to give. All of these people have problems of their own. Do you ask them about them? Do you really know what they are going through in their lives?

OP: This is AIBU. You suggested you might be, and everyone is happy to agree with you.

So how about this instead: you've had some crap things happen, you're allowed to be unhappy about this. When you have bad feelings people often just want all that to go away, they don't want to deal with it. And on this thread, you hinted at the get go that it might be all your fault and then one poster came on and said well yes it probably is, and then everyone has thoughtfully contributed their agreement.

Basically people want to hear good news about happy things; you say you have some good friends and hopefully they deal with the light and the shade in your life better than your family do. There's a lot to unpick but not sharing your troubles basically means you accept that people just don't want to hear it. A significant majority of people just simply cannot imagine how a string of loss and unhappiness can play out, particularly if they have more resources like a good partner, money, a supportive family etc., but please don't let that invalidate your feelings or make you feel worse about yourself.

I did find the comments of one poster particularly interesting, and from a trainee counsellor point of view you might want to investigate this as well - they were talking about seeking therapy to validate trauma without a plan to leave it behind, but I would say that trauma MUST be validated before it can be left behind, or put into a place where you can cope with it.

I haven't read the whole thread( sorry) but I'm just going to make a point. My youngest has psychiatric issues, real issues, he constantly goes over every single thing that he feels has hurt him. Now, I didn't mind listening the 1st time but it's now every day for 3 years.
If you have therapy that's the place for you to make sense of the past, it's how you can put things in the past. It's how you can look forwards, improve your current situation and not keep telling other family members about how awful things were.
Do you think you have a tendency to catastrophise?
Do you dwell on things that others would have shrugged off?
Do you like drama in life? Some do. But it's very wearing for others.
You don't have to be a people pleaser. You can answer questions honestly, but it has to be appropriate. They aren't your therapist.

Did a name change just for this thread, OP, as I could have written it. It's very difficult and I know what you are going through. I am bringing up two on my own completely, along with trying to hold down a stressful job. I get it. The loneliness, the buck stopping with you, the pain.
Worst of all, others saying to take time for you or fix your own breathing mask first, as if babysitters, spa days and therapy don't cost £££.
I look at Meghan Markle and think everyone thinks she is the problem/the narc (on here anyway) as she only has Doria. Then you have Posh and her son. So being LC/NC can affect every bugger, rich or poor.
But it is tough, being on your own, trying to brave it out, keep calm, carry on, rinse and repeat.
I trauma dump to my ex as he is the one who will listen, given I am at the rock face of parenting and he is doing sod all in comparison (not in same country). He sucks it up for that reason only. I seldom speak to anyone else. They genuinely don't get it. And I don't believe anymore that a problem shared is a problem solved/misery loves company. Most want you to pretend you are okay and keep going.
Am I the LCD in my NC/LC relationships? Yes.
Am I the problem? Yes.
But I cannot change all of me.
Nor can I change other people.
Dad - left - controlling - is around but health issues - always very much a focus on the positive. LC as he does not want me to visit and calls easier if I am upbeat. I am not upbeat often so I don't call often.
Mum - enabled an abusive stepparent - is around but widowed and exploring new freedom. LC as not bothered whether I visit or not. Loves me "warts and all." See her sporadically.
Older sister - NC with our Dad - thinks I did not take her side. NC as she wants nothing to do with me. Has rejected all attempts at reconcilliation.
Younger sister - lost touch - sees mum - we have no relationship but nor have we fallen out.
Younger brother - LC - lives abroad but relationship cordial.
Daughter - NC - angry at her own childhood and me leaving with her siblings. She stayed with her father, her choice due to schooling. And thinks I do not like her partner. This is the only one that absolutely kills me. But I am trying to respect her wishes.

So - 6 people
LC with 3 one benign/NC with 3 one benign
The LC is their choice really. I would visit in a heartbeat but grandchildren are an issue for them (takes energy they don't have).
Two of the NC is absolutely their choice. I would never have gone non-contact. Loved them both. Love them still. But if they have to protect themselves because they view me as impacting their mental health negatively then I have to respect that boundary. No choice on that but a catch 22 - infringe it and you won't listen; accept it and you don't care.

I think many dysfunctional families have their issues and ACEs and we are all just trying to survive from day to day and try not to repeat patterns and that takes energy.
My advice to you is to expend the energy you have on the things you can change, on the three children you have and to not wallow in the grief and resentment of things out of your control or others' perception of you. They may be wrong. They may be right. But you need to focus on your kiddies' needs so that future you can look back and know you did your best under tough circumstances. Try to be more self-reliant - that doesn't mean not seeing your sister at all at weekends, but not every weekend, especially if it is only since your break up. Let her lead the way. Sadly that might mean it is less contact than you yourself need, but at least you won't be made to feel like you are putting on her/imposing.

And be aware of course that how you view things won't be their version. As with most things, the truth lies in the middle. So you are not a drain or needy or a misery nor are you a constant delight and never a chore. It will be somewhere in the middle probably.

I feel for you and hope things get better eventually x

Sometimes in 2026, people just want to have a good gossip about the Traitors. Doesn't mean they are 'avoidant' It means they need some time off from constant drama! This may or may not be you. But consider if it is!

I have lost quite a few of what l thought were good close friends lately. My adult son died less than a year ago and although l can do an amazing act of a 'normal' carefree person when lm out or in company, l do break down sometimes unexpectedly, something completely trivial or random will just hit me and l can't hold back the tears. I do very quickly compose myself somehow but a couple of friends have just stopped contacting me to go for a coffee or a day out or whatever.
My grief counsellor says that a lot of people just can't cope with someone else's grief.
They don't know what to do or say when you get upset,(because obviously there isn't anything) so feel awkward /uncomfortable.
Diversely some extended family or acquaintances who l was not necessarily close to before have been amazingly supportive, often the ones who have historically been quite flaky with keeping in touch or bothering even in one case, answering me, thanking me or even acknowledging cards/gifts for over a decade, they have been amazing.
I would do as PPs have advised and try and monitor how much you talk about your sadness or problems, try getting hold of your younger sister again but with something very light and casual, like invite her to go to something with you that she would like or just a coffee. Then obviously,even if she asks, don't go full throttle into it (something l did a lot in the beginning till l got a counsellor) just keep it brief then change the subject .
It is sad that we feel we have to hide our grief or upset sometimes but sadly it's just how a lot of people, not all, are..
As l have found, the ones you can truly be yourself with , without suppressing your sadness, without worrying about them swerving you in the future are few and far between and in my case have been the ones l least expected , have been the most supportive.
Don't even start me off on all the 'It's good to talk' and 'Its ok not to be ok' platitudes doing the rounds. My experience has been very different.

I am training to be a counsellor hence why the buzz words

I'd be out of that chair and demanding my money back like a shot if anyone used a string of buzzwords to me.

Have you any idea how dehumanised you could potentially make your clients feel?

They're not going to want to pay to hear a load of text book waffle, when they're opening up about their trauma and real life.

I think becoming a counsellor in your position is a terrible idea anyway, but if you're planning on using text book speak to real human beings, that makes it worse.

OP, from a younger sister pov, my sister went NC with the whole family for many years, then I found her on facebook & tried to build a relationship.

She would get drunk & trauma dump on me & say the most horrible things. I kept the contact sporadic & about a year later our father died and she got worse to the point that I had to cut all contact for the sake of my sanity.

saw someone suggest going and doing fun things with your sister over talking about why you are down, I would do that & keep the issues for the therapist because ultimately they are the one to help you

Yes. I would say all the people in my life, including my sister have confided in me, even recently, about issues in their life.

This. Its probably the job you are least suited for .

No you've misunderstood. In the type of training I am
currentlyndoing we use theory to help understand the clients needs. We don't use this with clients this is what we learn behind the scenes. A poster said they identified the buzz words and I gave context that is all.

It does sound like it’s you in the surface but as others have said families can have weird dynamics and differing personalities that just clash.

that said you currently seem to only be close (in your opinion) to one sister and she’s telling you loud and clear how she wants the relationship to be. If you want to keep her in your life I’d work your hardest to respect that whilst you try to unpick the wider issues with your therapist. That would be my recommendation.

It's really interesting you say this. My current counsellor says it's the ones with trauma that make the best counsellors. Who knows. I'm in early stages anyway I started to understand myself better because I need a change.

It's very difficult to diagnose the problem based on one post but first impressions can be powerful. You do seem to be very inward looking and focused on yourself, maybe due to self-protection in childhood.

your self -evaluation as someone who is empathetic, a people pleaser and who apologises to keep the peace seems to be rooted in unworthiness and low self-esteem. You put everyone else's needs ahead of your own, but in so doing you are making yourself unhappy and unfulfilled which becomes a negative cycle. Then you try to gain validation from others which is t always satisfied, as people see you as someone who burdens them with your concerns.

sounds like you need to do some work on yourself to build resilience and self-worth, which will give you some peace of mind and a more positive outlook on your relationships. Have you thought of CBT?

ETA just read your updates, so some of what I've suggested may not be relevant,

Are there any support groups for single parents near you? I am a big believer in talking more to people in the same space as you. And less to others who won"t get it or have compassion fatigue.

Loneliness: are you in any hobby groups which bring joy? A book club, a crafts circle, a choir?
Or volunteering? You need to get out of yourself. Not navelgaze and circle the drain.

If you're in training to be a counsellor, isn't having ongoing counselling for yourself part of that process?

Co pilot can be very good at unpicking things like this.

Co Pilot? Do people really tell AI about their traumatic childhoods, deepest darkest secrets etc? No concerns about that info being stored?