I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

It does sound like you are hard work. All those different people cutting you off can't be a coincidence.
Try not to be so introspective, don't analyse every conversation, don't think so much!

Most people, most of the time don't want heavy discussions they want a light hearted chat about nothing important.

Like others I wonder if training to be a counsellor is right for you at this particular chapter of your life. I know from experience that many people who are profoundly in need of therapy are attracted to counselling but ti seems like a method that will simply keep you trapped inside a cycle of self obsession and constant unhealthy rumination.

If your sister says "are you ok?" Don't take it as an invitation to offload every time. You could reply that you're not ok, but don't want to burden her with your problems.

The problem with this approach is that - especially now her Dsis has said she feels burdened by it - it comes across as a passive aggressive complaint about having no outlet because the sister would feel burdened - which is really just another way of burdening her.

If you really don't want to burden op, just don't burden. Try "I'm fine. How are you?"

Then use your therapist or a different ear if you need it.

You did well to try on here, but beware that if you ask for honesty here, you will get it!

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable or the problem.

I was recently thinking how people judge what they see, they often have no idea what you experienced or experience.. even in the same family.

I don’t know, but you may have started from minus - 30, with support, help growing up.. and you’ve climbed to + 20. Someone who has help might have started at + 15 and climbed to + 21 and think you are a pain. I know these numbers probably don’t make much sense (made up to illustrate,) but I mean to say that the effort and growth you may have done in your life may be huge, but others don’t see it. They may have had advantages etc.. and all they see if you are struggling more than them.

I feel for you and hope you are ok. Talk to your friends, ask them gently perhaps their thoughts.. try to focus on other people. Take steps each day.

Wishing you the best, your were brave to ask your husband to go. I hope you have support, care and success surrounded by you.

And on a practical note, do you have ‘Homestart’in your area. You could ask your health visitor, even if your children are quite grown. They are an independent body, I understand, not connected to social services etc. They could maybe help you round the house, a friendly person to talk to every week or every other week, whilst you go through this transition xx

Every counsellor I have ever met has been deeply damaged, narcissistic and wedded to victimhood, rumination and pointless jargon. DD is inclined to drama; she had a therapist who made her worse, I believe.

I have gone through some shit- like most people- but I have decided running, volunteering, singing, looking at art in galleries is better than this endless rumination over things I can"t change.

The part of your post which made me think you are the issue is where you say “I apologise to keep the peace”.
it might be phrasing or simply the format of this interaction but you seem to be avoiding responsibility or acknowledging the impact of your actions. Each comment where you identify that you may have some bearing on a negative situation comes with a victim statement or justification/shifting the blame.
alos. Please don’t ask someone if they find someone else’s trauma “overstimulating”! That’s wildly loaded and puts a lot of pressure on your friend.

Have you considered trying something like Cognitive Analytical Therapy rather than just counselling? I find counselling rather allows me to ruminate round in circles rather than get to the root cause of issues. If you can afford it, it might be worth trying another form of therapy, and good for your own future practice as well.

It does come across as you keep having to go through issues you have had over and over. Do you ever just go out and have fun with someone. Have a laugh and not make any reference to any bad times you are having or have had in the past.

It can be exhausting listening to the same stuff over and over

Talking through your trauma over and over is clearly not pleasing anyone of your relatives

The need to talk things through and get to the bottom of everything to fix and repair given a lot of this is historic trauma and in your mind not fixed or repaired should tell you that this method isn’t working.
Involving people who are not responsible for any of it. Isn’t fixing anything. If anything it is like picking at a scab to make sure it never heals.

You can talk about stuff in the moment to the person who has caused you this trauma and you can have a conversation about it with others but when that conversation is over try to not repeat it

When people ask how you are doing, dont take the question literally. The answer always is Fine, how are you today?

It is a passing comment that people say. They aren’t actually interested in your life.

I don’t think anyone hates you but more that they don’t want to hear the same depressing conversation over and over. They want to connect with someone who goes out and has a good time and lets them talk about what is happening in their lives as well,

My take on this is that family (based on mine) can't really be arsed with the details of each other's lives. My brothers don't like me "oversharing" - which in my view is just having an ordinary conversation. They're just not that interested!

Realising this has saved me a lot of anguish wondering what I was doing wrong. Sibling relationships can be kept entirely brief and superficial, job done.

Ultimately, a therapist is a running a business. Its a lot easier to keep a client by asking them unpick more at the next session, than it is to find another client and have a gap in their income while they find them.

@feelingutterlyhopeless oh love, I have huge empathy.
With slightly different dynamics, I now don't tell anyone how I'm really feeling because, well, I feel shit.

Being a single mum is hard work & it's hard to find time to explore your emotions safely.
I hope your therapist gets you where you need to be 🪷

I am lucky. I have a mum and sister who like details of my life. But I don't tell them too much. And I make sure to tell them fun stuff too. They have their own issues.

Yep.

Find a hobby. Be around people who are happy and outgoing. Think about anything other than your issues. Watch amusing stuff on TV. Get outside your head.

I honestly think that if I hadn't done those things, I'd be in an awful place right now.
I had a couple of sessions with a perfectly pleasant and highly recommended counsellor, and recognised straight away that focusing on my head was not helpful. You might well call me avoidant, but I'm a lot more mentally healthy by focusing out rather than in.

You counsellor couldn't be more wrong to be honest.

Especially as you clearly haven't learnt to deal with any of yours.

Yes, my parents were different. Both dead now though.

Yes I kind of feel the same.

I actually think (from my own admittedly limited) experience and observing the experiences of others (friends, family) that 'talking therapy' can make things worse. Much much worse. I am an introvert and a very anxious person and I twist myself into knots over things (doing it now actually over some legal issues we are currently experiencing). I think it's healthier for people like me to go and take a walk or pick up a hobby. I heard a thing on Radio 4 months ago where they talked about this. Talking therapy vs people who say 'shit happens, move on'. I am actively trying to do the latter for myself, but it's a work in progress. What I DO know is that counselling - for me- tends to keep me stuck.

Sensible people don’t. It horrifies me when people suggest putting sensitive info into AI like co pilot/chat gpt. A lot of mumsnet users run their replies through chat gpt before they post them.

people are for sure going to lose critical thinking skills

Well she would, wouldn't she.

The most unstable and difficult person I knew, is apparently now a counsellor. That terrifies me. And yes, those still in touch with her have confirmed that she's still unstable and difficult.

I’ve had mental health issues in the past 2 years where I’ve been hospitalised. The family don’t really like me talking about this. However, I have had talking therapy during this time which really helped me.

I’ve learned now to do as others have suggested, walks, seeing friends and family and sometimes speaking about my past and problems but generally not.

Too much navel gazing means you just look inside yourself and can tend to dwell on your own problems rather than move forwards.

I actually think the counselling course could be a good move forwards for you and to repair yourself.

And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.

I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did.

Did your sister say she didn’t like you? Or doesn’t want to remain close?

Or did she simply explain she finds it difficult to hear about your trauma or know how to respond without the risk of upsetting you?

You sound self-reflective, OP. Could you not thank your sister for letting you know how she feels and that you’ve taken it on board. And when you see her from now on, focus on having a happy time together, rather than offloading to her, unless you really need to.

Being a single mother without family support or a partner can be very challenging, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed by these difficulties. I’ve experienced this myself. What kept me going was the support of a friend, managing my work and children. Now, after taking some time for myself, I’ve returned to dating and feel genuinely happy. Remember, you're not alone, and better days are on the horizon! Ultimately, only you can decide when those days come.

Op, why do you cut off from your sisters instead of rejigging the relationships to be more like ones that they can bear?

Both your sisters voiced that they find your marital woes and traumas too much. So the obvious thing would be that you would apologise and resolve, to yourself, not to over share.

Keep your problems aside and just enjoy a relaxing, loving time when in their company.

Find ways, not involving them, to fix your problems.

Hear this revelation today - Everyone has major stumbles, dramas and low days. Every person is managing large problems of their own. Rejoice in the company of close family and friends because you can laugh, forget about burdens and know that you are loved.

Try this exercise - Zip it. (shut mouth) Open your ears and eyes. Sometimes just listening to how other people's lives are going teaches us helpful things that we didn't know.

Being a single mum is indeed the hardest thing on earth, so I apologise if I am being too harsh. But don't cut yourself off from your sisters.

People who think others are using them are generally not in a good place and overly paranoid imo. They don’t realise people are busy and have their own stuff going on and then things change/ shit happens and they move to be back to the people they need/ want to be near. Op I’d say get back to enjoying life and take a break from worrying about all of this/analysing your life. Be with your kids/ find stuff you can enjoy by yourself and start enjoying life where you can x

she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times.

My underlining. It seems your sister has a point. You are using her for your needs - seeing her because you're lonely, not because your interested in her specifically.

My current counsellor says it's the ones with trauma that make the best counsellors.

I'll bet this shiny pound coin on her having become a therapist because she has trauma. It's understandable that the jobs we think about doing are the ones we see - like all opticians being glasses wearers - but it doesn't necessarily follow that we're best suited to fixing things we have problems with ourselves. As a minimum, the job should be restricted to people who have successfully dealt with their trauma, not those still up to their eyeballs in the drama.