I'm the problem aren't I? Please be honest.

[feelingutterlyhopeless]

I'm a single mum of 3 (currently seperated from my second husband as I asked him to leave).
im NC with my mum as I believe she is a narcissist - due to this my father who I had a high opinion of hates me and doesn't speak to me (will walk past me and my children in public and ignore us).
I have 5 siblings - no relationship with 2 - a as and when I see them with 2 which is rare. And one younger sibling who I thought I was close to but yesterday learned how they really feel about me and how I'm always involving them in my trauma and I'm overly sensitive and they have to tiptoe around me etc which came as a huge shock.
my siblings and parents are avoidant and I guess I'm the only one who has the anxious attachment style who needs to talk things out. I was reminded yesterday that it's not my sisters fault no one in the family wants to have a relationship with me, when I ask her sometimes why my niece doesn't talk to me. Despite my efforts to fix and repair. I know that in most cases the common denominator is the problem. But in reflection other than dealing with my own traumatic childhood and marriages Im a good person. I'm empathetic, I'm a people pleaser, I don't hold grudges, I apologise to keep the peace. I'm a kind person. I think.
I have a good group of friends. Who now I worry might think I'm also trauma dumping on them if my sibling feels that?
I recently asked my husband to leave due to his drinking so I guess I just asked my sister if she was free on weekends more so have spent more time with her , some weekends at her request. But she told me yesterday she's noticed I'm using her more since my separation. I'm hurt by this because I just wanted someone familiar around at some lonely times. I've been really unlucky with my first marriage where I had to go through a lot which I dnt think i healed from yet (I am in counselling now) so I talk about it at times, maybe more than i should with my sister.
she said i forget she's younger than me and i always involve her in my drama. I'm heartbroken at the realisation she doesn't like me as much as i thought she did. My elder sister cut off from me a few years ago citing I was going through too much and she couldn't handle my trauma.
I just need to honesty know what do I do?

OP, even your “reflective” updates appear very egocentred.

You recognise you might have been trauma dumping now people have pointed it out…. BUT you feel the onus was on your sister to tell you. (The onus isn’t on you to be self aware or check yourself or have an empathetic view…??) You felt the onus was/is on your sister to feedback you’re trauma dumping so you could be made aware. It’s the wrong attitude, sorry. And she did try and tell you! She said it was too much drama. And you made yourself the victim and said “waaaah she doesn’t like me!” Sorry but no. The onus is on you to be empathetic (which apparently is one of your striving points?) and think “hmmm, is this too much?”

You also talk about you entering counselling as “I needed a change”. As if the counselling journey is for you. A journey of self reflection and change. But that’s not the reason you should become a counsellor. It’s not meant to be part of your healing! It’s about what you have to offer others. All you’ve done is talk about your own trauma, your own healing. You might say the words “I do need to consider….” But then you go on to say something else that demonstrates an astounding lack of empathy.

It does sound as though life has been hard, but you do seem to have a bit of main character syndrome and in reference to your original question, then yes, I would hazard a guess to say it is you to some extent. I actually think therapy can be quite detrimental to people with main character syndrome. I’ve known a few people who’ve ended up legitimising their poor behaviour through therapy.

can you link to the evidence for it being dangerous? It is a tool and used correctly is very helpful.

people sometimes confuse very old chat box type online ai to things like copilot which are not dangerous at all and designed to help you work through issues.

they are not designed to replace human contact/therapy but as an extra

I work in mental health and we encourage people to use it .

i encourage everyone to give it a go and see. Have fun with it. Try and get it to give you dangerous/illigal advice … I have heard the stories about it encouraging suicide. It won’t . It will say I am sorry you feel that way and offer Samaritans etc it will tell you if you are being unreasonable … it just does it in the most compassionate and non confrontational way … sometime this is better than a basic councillor who will not challenge you. They will just nod their heads sympathetically.

the op has loads of stuff floating in her head. Ai is helpful for sorting through it all.

You mention a few separate issues in your op. Maybe your sister knows the family dynamic isn’t great and can’t listen to it. It may be different to how she experiences it. It doesn’t mean you are in the wrong. The husband situation you need to take to therapy. Then you will feel less need to discuss it with your friends. Friendships are not just for moan sessions but some people use them as that. You need to have fun with them to. But you have been through a difficult time and probably need to deal with that first.

All of us are to some extent damaged/messed up/broken (imo).
The fact that you are reflecting on your own actions, willing to see that you might be at fault etc suggests to me that you are not the problem.
Those who are willing to accept their own faults and try to work on themselves are the ones most likely to be able to heal and improve.

This is a breathtakingly stupid comment and you clearly are utterly uneducated on the subject.

You are also apparently ignorant enough to think that when someone is a trained counsellor they wander around in a bEkInD haze smiling serenely and responding to idiots with a gentle tinkling laugh.

In reality, I put on a counselling head when required (which is when I was a counsellor, not a commenter on mumsnet) and was not attempting, of course, to counsel the OP except in the most broad sense.

Attempting to be a counsellor to a stranger in a few words in a comment on mumsnet would also be quite stupid, but I am not stupid, so I did not do that. I simply imparted my knowledge, which is quite correct, and to do so I used the only tool I have, as a person responding to an incorrect dangerous comment, which was sharp words to tell her to wise the fuck up.

Note, being a doormat who puts up with garbage responses from people is not in the criteria for being either a counsellor or a commenter.

And, as I pointed out, I am someone who used to be a counsellor. Learn to read.

Oh and counsellors (and as I said I am an EX counsellor) are perfectly capable of telling stupid people to fuck off, obviously.

Stop getting your information from Hollywood movies.

You sound like my sister albeit without the NC with parents but everything is always about her. She is always needing something from me, wanting support for this that and the other, it is really draining and I do try to avoid contact with her I cannot take on her issues as well as my own busy life with DH, kids and a FT job.

as for the counselling, this was something my sister started to look in to, thank god is was a passing phase as it would have been something else for her to off load on me. Counselling does not sound like a career for you, I think it is odd you are considering it whilst in counselling yourself. Perhaps you think it might be a way to heal yourself which would be wrong for a number of reasons.

You sound very negative. Negative people can be really draining and impact the mental health of those around them. You say you'd do the same for others but you talk so much about yourself and your own feelings that I think it's unlikely you've ever actually had that space for others to be constantly trauma dumping on you because it's all about you and your trauma. For example, your sister has shared you are impacting her, instead of any compassion for how she is feeling, you say she doesn't like you, you talk about how empathetic you are and that you would allow people to trauma dump on you. Do you see how that's all turned back around on to you instead of those around you? You may not be as empathetic as you think you are.

I did link to the evidence, there were several links to discussions on people who have completed suicide, become stalkers and otherwise fucked their lives up terribly trying to use ai as a therapist.

And no, "ai" it not ever useful for counselling and therapy. It's not a debate and you are simply wrong.

Ignore my warning and the facts at your peril, you plan to anyway, so there's no more to add.

AI is really just word recognition.

It's fine for advice on how to boil an egg, but I wouldn't be getting serious advice from it. There's no one really there!

I think this is very insightful post.

Low self esteem often plays out in poor choices, especially when it comes to relationships.

I wonder OP what you are like at taking advice on board? You seem very reasonable here but do you take action after talking things through?

I have a couple of friends who like to talk it out. One is very solutions focused and will act (as much as reasonably possible) on the best course decided through that chat.

The other will say she'll do it then do the exact opposite and to be honest, I avoid her now. I've given up more time than I can count to try and help but it's always pointless. She continues to make poor choices and then bemoans the consequences and it's too frustrating to be part of.

Not saying this is a factor with you but something to consider.

Worse than that, it is actually programmed to please you and will take your side when you come up with ridiculous notions.

I have linked in an earli post to actual cases - real world cases - of people who completed suicide because ai coached them to do so. It convinced one narcissist that the man she was stalking was in love with her, she is all over TikTok defaming this man who only met her twice at her absolute insistence and cannot defend himself as he is a practicing psychiatrist.

"AI" is not a therapist, has absolutely no value as a therapeutic tool and cannot be trusted, it is dangerous and has in the real world led to deaths.

What it could perhaps do is list a number of specific suggestions for people to try - eg people who are in marital strife. It might suggest a few exercises (have an agreed to period of non criticism of one another with strict guidelines in place, write a letter outlining the harm you have done to one another to show you understand your partner's point of view and so on) that people could implement for themselves.

But the instant you ask it for an opinion on which one of you is in the wrong or who has been the abusive one it will default to trying to please the current user. For example, a cheater will be validated by an ai who will agree with the user that cheating was not their fault, not really.

It's not a therapist and it's incredibly dangerous to treat it as one.

Op is in the right place for advice then.

Why is it so often the people who seem to have endless shit going in their lives who train to be counsellors?

The key thing that stands out to be is something is said and you hear something totally different.

your sister points out, reasonably she’s struggling with your behaviour round her, you only want to see her more as you’re seperated and use that as a way to off load on her.

there is nothing unreasonable about this, it’s fully healthy.

your response is well she can’t like me as much as I thought and I’m going to now seek attention on mumsnet. It’s also become apparent you do the same to your friend, but instead of thinking thay through and wanting to pull back you are going to make it her problem and ask her, and there is no good way to do that where she won’t say it’s fine and you know this, so deep down you want to keep off loading to her and for her to give you permission. And I suspect if she does say it’s too much you will decide she doesn’t like you much either.

in addition you also have a counsellor, so it feels like you’re quite self focused and want to talk about you, a lot.

up your therapy sessions if you need to talk more, but friends and family are not trained to support you. They can only do their best, but there comes a point where it’s enough,

I agree with this. If the endless shit if endless then it’s unlikely you’d be a good counsellor as you can’t do it in your own life. Having trauma, dealing with it and moving on to healthy behaviour and life makes a good counsellor.

Hi op don’t give up on your counselling training the idea is to work through your issues and come out the other side. I believe most counsellors do this job because of their past. Maybe tell your sister you didn’t realise you were unloading your drama on to her so much and say you just feel more comfortable sharing with her. but you have taken on board her p.o.v and will dial it back and keep it in your counselling sessions but you definitely didn’t mean to make her feel used after your separation you just enjoy her company and will also dial that back to when it’s convenient for both of you. Maybe break up your weekend with seeing different friends so no one feels your using them but also keep in mind you need to get used to your new life without needing company all the time yes your lonely but that will change in the long run.

Please listen to this.

I am going to leave it at this comment. I hope the OP takes it on board.

I do wish you well OP. And if you have not already talked to a real, live counsellor/psychotherapist specifically about your interpersonal relationships I encourage you to do so.

Ironically, seeking therapy for personality challenges can lead to even greater self absorption, which doesn't sound like it would be helpful - however it is unfair to engage in toxic venting with those you are close to and a properly trained psychotherapist will be able to listen to you without being damaged themselves.

I would ask you to consider this too - venting doesn't improve our mental state, quite the opposite, it causes us to become more negative and more unhappy.

Anyway, I'm not a counsellor anymore and certainly not yours - but hopefully you will find the answers you need in the real world.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201602/5-ways-to-stop-reliving-painful-memories

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/common-sense-science/202505/why-our-brains-cling-to-bad-memories

I'm glad that you are in therapy/ counselling. Keep going, you need it. You have had a chaotic life and you need to discover why you have made poor decisions. You also owe it to your children.
I'm sorry but you are the problem. All large families have a member that the others say: oh god! Now what's she up to? And roll their eyes.
I had a lifelong friend, we were friends for decades. Grew up together. Teenage angst etc. Marriage, kids.
The friendship survived long distance. Our paths diverged. She fell out with her only surviving sibling. Refused to talk to them. Her marriage collapsed. Alcohol was involved, but I'm not sure of details, she was always moaning but never gave details when asked. One of her kids was involved with drugs. She enabled the kid and then was hand wringing over the result. She paid off the dealers and worried about having no money. Then decided that she had been sexually assaulted several times growing up. I was there. Recollections vary. She was never interested in my problems- just dismissed them as first world issues. OK true. But they were important to me.
She fell out with several friends over small things and cut them off completely. Eventually, the day came when I texted to say I'd had a nice afternoon out. I had a very nasty reply saying that she never wanted to speak to me again. I severed the relationship and blocked her. Completely happy without her.
Sorry op. You are a similar person. You are drowning in a mire. You are absorbed with your own problems. You don't care about anyone else's problems or small victories in life.

^THIS. It is very manipulative to say that people are against you just because they cant be an unending sponge for your problems.

Find a therapist to unpack your issues with. If, as you believe, your mum is a narcissist, your siblings will have their own trauma to work through. Don't make them work through yours as well.

Well you can't simultaneously be non contact with your mum, and a people pleaser. Pick one!

Over the years I have meet a few of the me me me gang.
Old friends and family members, the moment you say something they have had it worse, then it all about them.
Or when I use to meet up with any of them or a call or messaging, it just turned to all the depressing stuff, how hard up they are, past trauma that makes them the way thy are the trauma from other things.
How they need to talk all the time about the same crap.

Tbh I got fed up with it.
Im all ears and very supportive but there is only so much I can take.

My own mother was one of these me me me people.
They want all your attention and to feel bad for them but never show interest in us.

My sil has gone nc with her dm, and by all accounts is actually the problem herself. As the outsider, and onlooker I can completely empathise with her difficulties with her dm, my mil. What she hasn’t noticed is that mil behaves terribly towards everyone. Sil is very self-focused and doesn’t notice when it’s happening to others, or maybe does but mistakes the difference between her own intense nervous system activation under fire, and her detachment when others are in the firing line for a difference in mil’s cruelty.

It’s not surprising, because she’s continually working out of her wounded child self. But for the rest of the family, they see her “making it all about her” and blowing everything out of proportion. The other four siblings have different coping strategies and a subconscious panicky instinct to maintain the status quo. As a result nobody is able to acknowledge her pain to the extent that she feels really seen. So she leans into her suffering, and they lean into avoidance. From their point of view she’s making a fuss about their mum just being mum.

She went nc with her in-laws, and took her dc out of school over the behaviour of a teacher and this is seen as a pattern with her as the common denominator. I think her sensitivity to her pils abuse probably stemmed from her childhood experiences, and that her protectiveness of her dc was also linked. I have a very loving and supportive family behind me, and I think that helps me see, and swerve red flags much earlier.

No one has ever noticed that I’ve been low contact with my mil for years, or that she’s never been alone with my dc without dh or I also present. She’s not malicious, more of a vulnerable narcissist if it needs a label, with some complex family trauma of her own and marital difficulties no one acknowledges. If I was more obvious, dh and I would probably have divorced and she’d have much more influence over my dc. But I can see her clearly because I wasn’t screwed up in my early childhood.

I have so much empathy for sil, but in all honesty she is hard work to be around right now because our common link is family. That doesn’t make her the source of the problems or the common denominator. It’s because she’s wounded and healing. I think it would benefit her to find other interests to focus on because compassion fatigue will stress her friendships.

I don’t know if any of this resonates @feelingutterlyhopeless You’re in a tough situation but I think you’re asking the wrong question. Figuring out who is to blame, is picking at your wounds. There’s a difference between feeling the pain, and picking at scabs.

I would worry that learning to be a counsellor is not a good choice for you at this point in time. It would be better to find a couple of hobbies or interests and talk and think about those. You need space to be a person, away from the toxicity. You’re physically nc, but you’re carrying your tormentors around in your head 24/7. That’s just not good for you.

Of course you can. Your narcissistic parent conditions you to be a people pleaser and going nc with them represents a partial unlearning of that but it can still be your go to response.

I am training to be a counsellor

To be a counselor requires objectivity, balance, deep insight, and emotional resilience. Counseling others is not a self help tool. You have to have a really strong and secure sense of self to begin working from. If your personal issues aren't resolved, that would likely impact your patients. Counseling can bring a high degree of work related stress and how would that work with a stressful personal life?