I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Leave it at no contact then, perfect!

If you'd checked OPs posts you would see he is unable to drive for medical reasons

I have explained a lot of occasions here that dh has medical reasons?

Anywhere and at any time? Regardless of job, family, friends? What if they moved again? Would you be a little travelling hobbit who dutifully follows along? What if they went abroad?

Would you really? Or is that just a virtuous thing to say given you're not doing it?

Or, I suppose, you could put in a court order to stop them moving, even if the reasons for that move were valid and offered a better life in some way but you could try and trap them all in one place for your benefit, sure.

I was on your side until this comment. I work hard too and manage to care for my children more than 4 days a month

Thy shouldn’t be split but equally one shouldn’t spent every weekend with you so no child free time at all

I’m happy to do the driving. I’m happy for pick ups and drop offs it’s not an issue but it is an issue when it’s an unfair schedule. Splitting up brothers who love to share joint time and experience. To go out together, to watch films in the evening with us they chat for a bit before bed. Younger Dss scared of being alone because of darkness he likes his brothers company in their room he would be sad to be in his own and for actually less time ?

I have chronic health problems. I’m talking severely affects day to day life. I am the mum in this situation who has the kids 80% (I also do have a partner who can chip in like you could).

having health issues does not mean you can opt out of being a parent. Don’t use chronic health as an excuse when there are parents who parent 24/7 with or without help) with said conditions

edited for typo

Yeah, and I initially voted yanbu - mainly due the fact that it would be unfair that you had to do all that driving every Sat and Sun - but tbh, you lost me with that comment. Parents don't get to opt out of parenting because they're "tired", no matter the reason.

Why can't dh drive or is he learning or a medical condition. If not is there a a bus, train etc. he should be the one doing this not you

@ImthedriverSo i don’t think every other weekend is enough . If you liked your free time you needed to pick a dh without kids already .
true mother is parenting nearly 100% and your dh is doing very little .
I think it should be offered to both kids every second weekend and half of holidays .
Oh and dh needs to learn to drive doesn’t he .
Did he leave the area his kids lived to move in with you. ?

4 days of parenting a month make him tired? How about his ex doing 26?

I'm guessing she moved for support or other reasons, considering your DH pulls very little parenting weight.

RTFT!!!

Feel sorry for the two boys that they'll never have a weekend together! Mum is being selfish, she doesn't want t have that empty house while they're with you, maybe hoped you'd say no to pull this stunt. So sorry, it isn't child focused, not unreasonable to say no at all.

That’s why sensible parents don’t move too far to make week days impossible due to the school location. When my son in law and his first wife split, they both stayed in the area where their children went to school. It wasn’t exactly an amicable split, but they put the children’s needs first. He, as the bigger earner, also made sure they were well supported financially, regardless of how much time they spent with him. When DD first met him, his DC moved comfortably between both homes. They are adults now, and have good relationships with both parents.

The mother in this case has moved, the children’s school is an hour away, not exactly feasible for the father, who can’t drive, to do pick ups or drop off during the week. OP has facilitated her SC seeing their dad as the mum won’t bring them to dad’s house. I find it hard to understand some of the criticisms levelled at OP and her DH, hopefully mediation or the courts will put the onus on mum to be more reasonable.

I cannot give full details it is not my medical
history to give and also is private. But dh has a condition that can be better or worse and in time will become more challenging. He cannot drive due to it and it’s very draining for him

You aren’t wrong op. Not one bit.

No of course your DH's exW doesn't get to dictate the child access arrangements unilaterally, nor should she play the very silly trump card of "no access" unless you and your DH fall into line with her dictating her terms. Quite apart from anything else, you and your DH mustn't let the DSSs see you being bossed around and blackmailed by their mother.

I'm not sure if dh has a contentious relationship with his ex but has he thought about asking her why she's wanting to change things around? it sounds like she didn't have any problem with the previous arrangement, has something happened with the kids? that she's wanting to change things

Didn't you read that it was the mum who moved away?

He uses so much energy to work so he can pay for things the boys need he is a good father doing the best he can

So when would their mother get to spend any time with them then?

I feel for your situation it seems like you had a setup that suited all parties & I hope you get resolved.

However just to clarify, 6 nights a month and holiday in the summer is not “…spending a lot of time” with children.

Why does your husband only see his kids every other weekend?!

Medical reasons is bullshit.

Don't be stupid. Not every illness is the same.

DP never has his son on his own. Never. Partly because he has a tendency to have massive seizures very frequently and we don't like him having them on his own with his son. We, his Ex and the consultant all view it as a safeguarding risk. Also DSS is too terrified of it happening again to he on his own with him, even if anyone else was happy with it.

But partly because being tired is what brings on the seizures and children are tiring.

Just because your ill health doesn't prevent you safely looking after children doesn't mean that it can't happen at all. Horrible statement.