I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Would the mum move back closer ?

so thy could stay 1-2 week day nights

You're projecting.

The OP answered that. She moved away for the bloke she left her husband for

Why does she keep moving?

but it’s not that difficult to have contact in the school holidays, they have 11 weeks of school holidays.
im just stating that the father is doing the minimum amount of parenting. The op thinks they are doing a lot, they’re not, this is why the mother thinks she can call the shots because she’s doing the majority of parenting.
I don’t agree at all with splitting the children. I do think the father should see them every weekend, they’re his children. The op is saying she wants to keep her child free weekend with her husband.

If - and only if - the answer to this is because she's in the circus I will retract all my other statements on her being a selfish and entitled parent and will be entirely on her side. Finding out she's a trapeze artist or some such would be the twist this thread needs.

Yes in an ideal world they’d all live nearby. But she may have moved to be closer to family support (given he only has his children 4 days a month), to be in a cheaper area (as she’ll be spending a lot more than £500 pm on the kids), for work - any number of reasons. It sounds like he’s always seen them this little from the start of the split so why shouldn’t she move if it might offer her and the kids a better life 26 days of the month.

I don’t think the suggestion of one child every weekend is a good one and can’t think why the mum has suggested this. But there are two sides to every story. The fact that OP seems to see her partner with rose tinted glasses makes me question if there is anymore to it. He’s not a hero for seeing his kids 4 days a month because he’s tired. I think that comment has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. He just seems quite passive to have settled on this arrangement in the first place. And the original mention of ‘we work hard, we like our weekends’ then shifting more towards it not being fair on the boys to be separated just doesn’t seem very genuine to me.

For the record I voted yanbu because it’s a crap arrangement and I don’t think it’s fair to throw around ‘no contact’ but the current one isn’t great either even if it suits op and her husbands (practically) childfree lifestyle.

I take it she isn’t with the man she left him for? Otherwise she might want time on her own.

This all seems like a power play. Clearly if she was concerned about the amount of time they spent with him she would ask for more holiday time or maybe another weekend.
If she thinks they need 1:1 time then the holidays would be perfect for facilitating that. She also wouldn’t have moved further and further away.
I think it’s sad when parents don’t prioritise living nearer to each other as when children become teenagers then it gives them freedom to visit themselves. If she hadn’t moved further away then a night during the week would have been much better.

Mediation and then court is way to go here.

Well if you are with the kids father then you can take turns going stuff while the other one looks after the kids. If you are not then hopefully the other parent has them done of the tune

I lose my vision. I lose the function of my arm, I can lose my speech.this can happen at anytime on average 25 times a month. I have severe exhaustion. I have recurrent infections that land me in hospital. I have a bleeding disorder I parent every single day some days with the help of my current oh. We make it work. What I am saying is when you are a parent you make it work regardless I would never ever use the excuse of my illnesses as a reason to only see my kids a few times a month.

dont call me stupid when you have not a clue how challenging and quite frankly debilitating my illnesses are. I’m still a present mum though.

You look worse as the posts go on. How ridiculous to say a parent who only actually parents every other weekend needs a rest! Would you say the same if the mother was the one with health problems? Your expectations of fathers is on the floor.

I know they’re both at that age where girls get a little harder to parent, are boys the same? Maybe she feels she can manage easier with just one.

Have you considered suggesting a compromise of keep your weekends as they are, but then once a month you take each child for 24 hours as she suggested in addition on her weekends? To make it work with the distance, she’ll have to meet you halfway or do one end of the run.

As part of a big family growing up, I did miss 1-2-1 time, however this can’t be at the sacrifice of family time. I’d always imagined have solo trips out with each of my imaginary children once a month pre kids to correct this. As it happens, I had one and she gets plenty 1-2-1 time

But the father is willing to have them in school holidays It's the mum doesn't want this

Of course you shouldn't be driving both weekend mornings, every weekend. That's not much quality time with them anyway.

I'd personally go to court to get the normal arrangement formalised, and ask for more time in school holidays, fair arrangements for things like Christmas, etc.

I agree with posters who've said this needs a court order. You could also get more holiday time agreed this way, as well as a fairer share of the driving. She sounds vindictive but has probably shot herself in the foot.

I would just go to court OP.
Shame she has moved away as mid week won't really work but I imagine you would get the every other weekend. Half the holidays and alternate xmas.

If shes lonely thats no reason to inconvenience other people and the kids.

Every other weekend, and some schooldays would have been fine, if mum had remained close enough so that the school was accessible to both parents, or she was prepared to take on some driving,

Oh yeah he's clearly desperate to see them more, hence refusing to even engage when she wants him to increase to a paltry two days a week and choosing to have no contact at all rather than a few days more.

This thread is a horrorshow of women defending a shit father.

If he really wanted them more he could. Blaming the mum isn’t an excuse.

Agreed!

is she not an hour or so away? I’ve traveled a longer daily commute.

He's not turning down two extra days. It's the same amount of time with each child. He can't drive and I know I sure wouldn't be giving up every Saturday and Sunday morning to do it for him in OP's place.

He needs to go to court and get more time with them, together. Claim more school holidays, every weekend with both boys (Friday to Monday, as was always the way), as much as possible. Probably the opposite of what their mother is hoping for but she brought this on herself.

Going to court for more holidays is probably what he should have done in the first place.

He's not only turning down two extra days but giving up the two he already has. He grabbed the opportunity to drop all time with both hands.

I wonder why he's never gone to court before? Oh yeah, because he's a shit father.

Horror show of defending a shit father?

He doesn’t want to split the children up each week as they will hate it. It’s the mother who has moved away. It’s the mother who is now refusing access.

are we even reading the same thread?

But the point is he wouldn't be seeing 'them' more, just one at a time which OP has said doesn't seem to be in the best interests of the children as the younger one specifically likes to be with his brother.