I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Every other week-end is a normal and usual arrangement (DS sees his DC on this arrangement + part of the holidays, this week he has taken both skiing in France) along with time for a holiday and maybe some of the holiday time as well. Every week puts an enormous strain on the a second partner as they also need time and may have DC of their own. YANBU for suggesting every other week is pathetic. It's not.

Does he claim PIP then - that will cover transport costs?

OP updated a while back to say her DH can’t drive for medical reasons.

I’m sure the novelty of having the kids every weekend will soon wear off.

They both sound a bit rubbish to be honest. Both the current arrangement and her suggested new arrangement aren’t great. I think they should go back to the drawing board and find a more balanced solution.

I also think you need a reality check. Every parent I know is tired and works hard. They also have their kids more than 2 days every two weeks so my heart isn’t bleeding for father of the year.

He can’t drive for medical reasons.

Neither are BU. It's for them to discuss.
To answer if you're unreasonable to "let" your step son go to his dad's house every weekend yes you are.

She sounds awful. I’d go for mediation and then court if that doesn’t work. She’s asking for an insane proposal

Now you're just taking the piss, right? As mum's, we're all fucking tired. But we still have to parent.

You have no idea why he can't/doesn't drive. I don't drive for a very good reason. I get fed up of people on Mumsnet moaning about people who don't drive.
OP isn't complaining about the driving she is complaining about the child's mother unreasonable demands.

Why are people being so twatty about the dh? It's been explained that the ex has moved further away 3 times. They have offered more times during the holidays and ex won't let them.
Sometimes it actually is the ex being a cow and not a deadbeat dad.

And his ex is a shit mother. Moving the kids further and further away from their father knowing he can't drive and then wanting to split the kids up when they are visiting their father? What an amazing mother 🙄

Go to court. 50 percent each. Maybe he moves? I can’t imagine not seeing my
children for so long. It’s almost forgiven in here if it’s dad.

I love my children. If, bizarrely my dh had them full time after a divorce and moved. I’d go aswell.

Have you read the OP’s posts? Her husband can’t drive for medical reasons.

OP says her DH has a medical condition which prevents him driving, so l’d say that’s likely pretty substantial. Being tired is one thing, being tired because of a health condition is quite another.

You are absolutely not being at all unreasonable. They’ll need to attempt mediation before it can be heard by a court, I’d suggest your husband gets on it immediately, if his ex refuses it’s no problem, they’ll give him a certificate to show that he tried and he can give that to the court.
its impossible to say for sure but if this arrangement has been in place for years and works well for the children (which it sounds like it does) then it could well become a court ordered arrangement.
its definitely worth getting some things nailed down while you’re at it though. Get the travel arrangements mandated too, and discuss whether to have it included that you don’t need permission to take them on holiday abroad if you think that could become an issue.
remember once it’s court ordered that’s it, and if the resident parent doesn’t make the children available for the court ordered times then he will be back to court for enforcement.
hopefully none of that will be necessary and it can be worked out in mediation.
Good luck!

OP has two stepsons. The issue is that her DH’s ex wants to send them one at a time on alternate weekends instead of both together. I don’t think OP is the unreasonable one here.

I don't think that should give you a pass on parenting tbh. Mum's still have to parent 24/7 regardless of illness or health conditions. It's easy to use that as an excuse when you only have them a few days every month.

This is only 2 full days in a fortnight. It’s really the minimum.

Read the thread.

Because the mother moved away making it difficult to have contact during school days.

‘We enjoy our childfree times too’
Which is 80% of the time.

Strange for their mum to ask this, but your husband seems quite wet

It's pretty practical and reasonable given the circumstances. She moved an hour away so week nights aren't really an option - and he could have them every weekend I suppose but I don't imagine that's a great option for most people as then one parent doesn't get any weekend time with their kids.

So what's your magic plan for the dad to have 'more time', considering the above?

At last a voice of reason.

This is only 2 full days in a fortnight. It’s really the minimum.

And under the proposed new arrangements, the DH will only see each of his sons, and each son will only see his dad, for one day a fortnight - Sat-Sun alternate weeks, instead of Fri-Mon alternate weeks as under the previous arrangements.