I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Again. You tell yourself that. I personally don’t bother if the first 20 odd people say the same thing I’m thinking. If I have a different take then I comment.

Reading between the lines as far as I’m concerned is critical thinking. Thank fuck for us otherwise it would be a boring read. Pages of, yes op, you’re right op. Carry on with it though!

I think it can be harmful.

Sometimes as parents or stepparents it's better to just give things a little bit of breathing space and see if the matter can then be discussed rationally and get back on track that way rather than the nuclear option of going to court

I wouldn't consider it to be fantasising about the boys mothers position. No one is coming up with anything about the mothers feelings that's in any way out there. OP said the mother has been fine with the arrangement for years, but then she assumes the mother is just trying to disrupt them and inconvenience them, it would be very strange if out of nowhere the mother just decides she wants to inconvenience them. I also wouldn't consider this to be esoteric discussion, it's very in line with all the other AIBU discussions which generally do often consider what the other person/people involved might have felt or what their motives are.

I think you're really trying to overstate the direction the conversation has taken from those who don't take the OPs words as gospel.

I really do dislike the passive aggressive agreeing to disagree but I think we are on different wavelengths.

If you don't realise my disagreeing with you is me showing I'm not interested in an echo chamber then I'm not sure how to help you. I'm not influenced by other poster's opinions altogether I will consider them.

You’ve said yourself how you’re influenced. The ops word is gold and you won’t consider any other scenario. To me that’s boring and pointless when about 50 other posters have said the same.

I think we may be derailing the thread. So we’ll just have to move on.

This situation is just not that straightforward. The mother moved 3 times, each time further away making it impossible logistically for the father to have the children during the week. The mother lived an hour way and she won’t even meet halfway.. Also he isn’t allowed to drive making it even harder. If he was single how would he see his children without the OP doing the driving.

I’m not influenced by the OP. I actually said ‘I'm not influenced by other poster's opinions’.

I am reacting to OP’s offered first-hand information; I’m not taking it as fact. If it’s a load of lies, so be it. There may be other scenarios but in the absence of any first-hand information about them I don’t see the point in speculation. None of us know the mother’s intentions.

OP didn’t ask us to speculate what the mother’s intentions were, she asked if she was being unreasonable to react in the way she has based on the information she has given us.

Taking her information as the only information we have. People have reacted to that. It’s not only I suggesting it’s time to go to Court.

She could be unhinged it's not uncommon for women or men to start behaving difficult because their ex has moved on. The damage people like this do to their children is shameful. I think you mentioned cheating maybe she did and that's why she moved around to be with a new man in every town she moved to. Who knows 🤷

She could be, but it's definitely not uncommon for the father and stepmother to be the unhinged ones or at least the unreasonable ones but to paint themselves as the ones who always behave reasonably.

It sounds like the OP has been with her partner for a few years so it would be unusual for her to suddenly starting to become difficult years down the line. A few have painted her as being unreasonable because she restricts holiday time etc, but I think agreeing to a 7 day holiday rather than a 10 day holiday is fine, the mother clearly isn't away from them for very long the rest of the time.

Yes OP said she left her husband for another man, it's unclear if there was physical cheating, she didn't say that she followed the man every time she moved though, just that she moved because she wanted to. Most likely she had other reasons other than just wanting to. Then there's people who think each move was designed to inconvenience the OP and her OH, like that would be a weird long game to play, I'm going to move 15 minutes further away and then another 15 and then another all as some master plan to inconvenience them.

I meant she met a new man in every town she moved to not that she followed one man only. Unless she's a free spirit I don't know any other reason why she would keep on moving. She could have moved because the ops relationship made her feel uncomfortable. When you have children you have to put your feelings to one side and not use the children as weapons. They have a routine seeing their dad EOW it's wrong to change that. Maybe you're right the op and her husband might play a part in her how she behaves so they need to stop. Without knowing them all we can do is fantasise and guess.

This isn’t the situation here though is it?!
In this case the mother left the dad, took their kids 2 hours drive away knowing full well that this would mean he couldn’t possibly see them in the week, he sees them every other weekend for as long as he can fitting round school pick ups and drop offs…. He can’t really do anymore than that because of what the mother has decided!
His illness isn’t even a factor here really… even if he could drive he wouldn’t be able to have the kids 50% of the time on account of their school being TWO hours away!! Or would you expect him to leave home at 6am every week day to drop his kids off for 8am… then not be able to start work till 10am…. Then have to leave work at 1pm to go and pick them up at 3?! Only getting home again at 5pm just in time to eat and go to bed……. That is not in the best Interest of anyone!

Excellent post @T1Dmama

God you really love to exaggerate timings don't you?
ONE hour away, not 2.
And for an hour of that he would have had the kids, and car trips with kids can be fun!

How is he leaving work at 1 to pick them up for 3 and then only getting home at 5, where's the 4 hours coming from? 😂

How many hours does it take them to eat in this scenario if they only have time for food before bed?

Anyway in this scenario OP never said that they saw them during the week, and also it really doesn't seem like they would have wanted them 50% of the them because they enjoy their 'balance', which is a very skewed balance when it comes to parenting.

The poster got the timings wrong l agree, but it’s still a two hour drive - one hour each way, twice a day. That’s four hours driving each day just for the school run, and OP would have to leave work each day at 2pm to pick them up at 3pm. DH is also unwell enough that his ex is concerned about his ability to care for the kids, so clearly his illness is significant enough to rule out him taking hem on public transport. The lengths posters are going to to blame OP and her DH for a situation the ex has created is batshit.

Except that the school is one hour away, not two. It’s a two hour round trip, not two hours one way.

I think it’s odd she’s asking that the children be separated when it sounds as though they’d be far more comfortable and happy coming together…

I think I’d be happy to facilitate every weekend but it should be both of them and I’d also be requesting she drives one way and you drive the other.

Or we could advise OP sticking to the facts and actually answer the question she has asked, instead of providing an unasked-for critique of their current contact arrangement, largely ignoring all the relevant factors and coloured by posters own experiences which are totally irrelevant to OP. But that doesn’t stop these clearly bitter people from twisting their own experience with the sole intention of painting DH as just another deadbeat dad, when that’s clearly not the case.

More and more on MN I’m seeing a trend towards disbelieving everything an OP says, and posters ignoring facts in favour of making things up as they go along. And MN may as well just delete the ‘see all’ feature for updates, because, as evidenced by the number of times OP had to explain why her DH doesn’t drive, nobody reads them. So threads get filled up with irrelevant and inane comments because posters can’t be bothered to update themselves before posting.

Your own post is a perfect example. OP said very early on that ex’s moves away weren’t based on need. She also said that ex was the one who had an affair and left the marriage after DH received his diagnosis, so why would the relationship with OP make her feel uncomfortable when she had clearly moved on herself ? The poster you were replying to also said it was unclear whether ex had cheated on the marriage, when the fact that she started a relationship with a co-worker and subsequently left the marriage leaves no room for doubt. Fantasy and guesswork derails threads, and it’s tiresome.

Did something happen recently when the children were with you? Was your DP particularly unwell? It sounds to me like she may think it is too much for him to have both children at once. She is clearly worried about his illness, perhaps she thought that this would be better for him and for the children too. I think you all just need to sit down and have a conversation.

No nothing has happened, sometimes he isn’t well but it has been very much a similar level for years on and off, no incident or anything like that. We are going to move forward with court as formal agreement sounds best for all involved.

It was the wording of the orginal op posts. He is tired, we need our alone time, he has a chronic illness that influenced the comments.

@ImthedriverSo further to my other post, just a couple of thoughts.
If you go to court, don't waste money on mediation or solicitors. Mediation is expensive and pointless where one party is entrenched and I'm sure ex won't agree to pay her half anywsy. Gather all possible evidence including medical and instruct a direct access family law barrister for the hearing (s) - usually at least 2. Fixed fee rather than open ended hourly Solicitor rates. Seek recommendations for the court area (which will be where the children are resident).
Cafcass will look into all claims regarding health, safety etc, speak to the children and make an assessment of the current arrangements. The court will have no interest in 'fault' around the prior parental actions.
You are likely to get an order for EOW and half the holidays and shared transport. The issue will be compliance and I'm guessing ex will still seek to control. Enforcement involves going back to court but that doesn’t usually produce much outcome in practice since she will always make plausible excuses.
So it's all super stressful, costly and frustrating with no guarantees.
Resolving the informal arrangement if at all possible would be the better option. Good luck with it all
.

The op knows what her next steps should be there is nothing more to add. Unless you want a broken record of go to court, go to court and go to court. I didn't say I disbelieved the op. The thread has run it's course and I was having a little bit of fun. Unless the op has something new to add I don't wish to continue with the broken record.

The other way around more like,

The only thing the ex has created in this scenario is that she said she wanted to change having both boys EOW to just having one boy for a day. And she backtracked even though she originally didn't let them take the boys and now they seem to be negotiating or it will end up in court.

She did NOT create a situation where the dad couldn't have them EOW, and the OP has clearly said that the EOW routine works perfectly for them because they enjoy the balance. They have never wanted 50/50 or anything close to it so making out it's the mums fault that they can't have it is completely disingenuous when the dad is perfectly happy not having it or anything close to it.

You're completely ignoring the rest of what the OP says about how EOW suits them, it's clear that this is the arrangement they want, she said they enjoyed the balance, and trying to make out that it's the mothers fault that the dad can only have EOW, even though that's all he want.

The reason why I said it isn't clear if he cheated is because some people don't think it's cheating when people leave for someone else if they haven't done anything physically. I don't know if he considers it cheating or not. Also sometimes people leave people and then start a new relationship quickly and then the assumption is they left for that person when they didn't, so as she didn't use the word 'cheat' it wasn't clear.

It wouldn’t make any difference if they did want them 50/50 because the ex has made it impossible to accommodate the school run. And as l said before, there is clearly a significant health problem here, and that may be influencing the EOW arrangement. If DH works full time and supports his kids he may not have enough physical resources to have them every weekend. If he gave up his job and could no longer support them posters would have something to say about that too. He can’t win.

I don’t think I’ve seen such ridiculous hair splitting in a long time. OP clearly says ex left DH for a co-worker after DH received his diagnosis and then ended the marriage. She’s clarified it at least twice. I don’t think you can get much clearer than that. Whether the relationship was emotional or physical it’s still cheating - why are you defending the indefensible ? If a man posted that he’d treated a sick wife like that he’d be torn to shreds.

And OP isn’t trying to make out EOW is ex’s fault. She’s saying that every weekend one child at a time is unreasonable. If DH is significantly unwell then maybe EOW gives them the balance they need to allow him time to recuperate in between visits. She said in an update they work longer hours in the week so they don’t have to work weekends but that on the child free weekends they have to do other things - that could potentially be DH resting or receiving treatment. A significant degenerative health condition necessitates rearranging your life to accommodate it, and DH already had the condition when they came to this arrangement so it could well be a factor. Not sure why it’s so difficult to understand.